There. There it was. The truth, laid bare at his feet.
The answer Theo hadn't wanted to hear, but maybe should have expected all along. Because once again, yet again, he'd gotten ahead of himself and started seeing things that weren't there. Just like the first time they'd kissed. Just like when he'd sang for Zenith in his room. When they'd taken a bath together.
Why didn't he ever learn?
Tears flooded his eyes and every breath stung like he was swallowing needles. He felt embarrassed, pathetic, but he couldn't stop it. Shouldn't he have gotten used to this heartbreak by now? And it was all his own fault for being childish and self-centered, anyway.
Still. This time had been different from all the others, hadn't it? Because while Zenith hadn't replied that he loved Theo too, he'd still kissed him – not to mention much more. How else was Theo supposed to interpret that? It wasn't just wishful thinking to assume his feelings were being returned, right?
Maybe he was just telling himself these things to feel better. Even so, he didn't want to roll over and let it go. Not this time of all times.
"Why?" he choked out. His voice sounded strangled, horrible. Like he was dying.
"Why?" Zenith still hadn't faced him.
"You – you know! Why don't you feel the same?" He hated how his voice came out, whiny and pathetic. "I thought you did. You kissed me back and everything, I thought...."
It was starting to become unbearable to talk. The tears burned hotter, fracturing his vision into a blurred mess. Which was maybe for the better. At least it'd keep him from seeing Zenith standing there indifferent as a statue.
"I apologize for giving you such an impression. I should have rejected you clearly at the time."
"Why?" Theo demanded again. "What's wrong with me, anyway? Do you really hate me that much?"
"Please do not misunderstand. It is not that I hate you; I simply cannot hold you above my duty. I am a knight of Miria, sworn in the service of Prince Darian. My duty to her takes precedence over all else."
Theo's jaw dropped. It really was all about Darian, wasn't it? He'd known all this time he would never be able to displace her in Zenith's heart, yet he'd still foolishly thought he stood a chance. But only because Zenith had given him reason to think that.
"Really now?" he spat out. "But I'm the one you wanted to comfort you. You said it yourself, you needed my Levia. You were even begging me, remember? Somehow I don't think you'd do the same for Darian."
Or would he? Against his will, Theo remembered the time he'd caught Darian in Zenith's bedroom. The soft gratitude in Zenith's voice as he thanked her. Had Zenith only clung to him for comfort because he'd been right there? What if he had really wanted Darian all along?
The realization settled in Theo's stomach like a block of ice, but the rest of him was still burning with rage. He clenched his hands into fists, glaring daggers at Zenith's back. The tears were sliding down his cheeks now, but he no longer cared.
And it seemed he'd succeeded in getting a reaction out of Zenith. Though he still didn't turn around, he hunched his shoulders and gripped his sword so tight the tip started clattering against the deck. "It was...a moment of weakness. I deeply apologize for my undignified behavior. I promise it will not happen again. From here on forth, I will strive to uphold myself with true honor as a knight ought to."
His voice was tight and strained, yet the words remained flat as ever. Words without any life or warmth to them, words that held no recognizable emotion. It was like Zenith had stepped straight out of a storybook, the same way he'd seemed when they had first met.
But bit by bit, day by day, Theo had become closer to him and started seeing the person beneath the fairy tale image. A young man who had thoughts and opinions and desires like anybody else. Who was honorable and brave, but also kind and awkward, and even had a nerdy interest in sea creatures.
Now Zenith was trying to deny the very existence of that person. Like he was trying to erase the person who Theo had fallen in love with in the first place.
"Quit talking like that!" Theo burst out, more desperate than angry now. "Like a perfect knight or whatever. That's not you. There's so much more to you. I know better than anyone. You liked the aquarium, didn't you? You hate Victor. You've got your own feelings about everything. You even have a dream for the future. So don't pretend like all that doesn't exist!"
Zenith stiffened further. "Perhaps that is the case. But even so, I should not have...allowed things to reach this point. I became...distracted from my duty. I will permit that no longer."
"So is that all I am to you?" The tears burned in Theo's eyes again. "A distraction?"
"You are my wizard. The one who allows me to fight."
"And that's it? I can't ever be more?" Theo hated himself for the way his voice trembled. Why did he have to sound so desperate, so needy, while Zenith stayed coldly indifferent?
Or maybe not so indifferent after all, judging by how he hard he was squeezing the hilt of the sword – to the point where Theo could hear metal creaking. Still, his voice remained emotionless. "Please...do not think that way. I bear you no personal animus. This is simply...what is the best for both of us. If we are to succeed at our mission, we must never lose sight of our duty. Perhaps it is presumptuous of me, but I would ask that you uphold your duty as well."
Duty this, duty that! Theo couldn't stand it. After he'd finally laid his soul bare to Zenith, and after he thought he'd finally gotten to see Zenith do the same for him, Zenith wanted him to just forget about it all?
"How can you say that, you bastard?" he yelled, stepping toward Zenith for the first time. "Maybe you don't like me back, that's fine. But it sounds more to me like you're afraid of your own feelings. You're going on and on about duty, but you're really just a coward!"
"I'm not – " His hair and cape whirling, Zenith spun around. His eyes were wild, haunted, and that gave Theo the strangest burst of bitter satisfaction. He might try to act above it all, but his face couldn't lie.
Too bad it didn't last. Breathing in deeply, Zenith straightened his shoulders and lifted his head. When he looked back at Theo, his expression was cold and calm again. "Please do not act this way, Theo. I know you are better than this."
"Oh, so now you're lecturing me?"
"You are a strong and capable wizard. I have seen as much through countless battles. In the coming battles, I – and all the crew – will need to rely on that strength more than ever. Behaving like a petulant child because you did not get your way is utterly beneath you."
Each word was icier than the last, digging into Theo's heart like a tiny but deadly knife. Until now, he hadn't even known Zenith was capable of such cruelty. No – not cruelty. That was the worst part about it. Zenith thought he was actually helping.
"We will both need to become stronger." And he just wouldn't stop blathering. "Put aside irrelevant emotions, and focus on fulfilling our mission. I know it will be difficult, but it will be for the best. I am certain you will come to see this too."
Theo couldn't take it, not another second of Zenith spewing nonsense and expecting him to agree with it. All because he'd dared hope for something real. Because he'd been a fool and trusted Zenith with his heart, only to get it trampled all over.
"Oh yeah?" he snarled, clenching his hands into fists. "Well, you're fucking wrong! You want to forget about everything? Fine, you go right ahead. Go and make sweet, sweet love to your oh-so-precious duty. It's nice and uncomplicated and won't act like a petulant child. But me, I won't forget so easily. I never will. And I definitely will never forget what you're really like!"
"Theo – " Zenith began, but Theo didn't want to listen to his pathetic self-justifications any longer. Heart slamming a war beat in his ears, he whirled around and began stomping down the deck.
The sun had risen higher in the sky, and a few more people had already arrived on the deck – all of them staring right at Theo and Zenith. All the more reason to get out of here fast.
Zenith had other ideas, though. "Theo!" he said again, louder and more urgent.
"Fuck you and fuck your duty!" Theo yelled without looking back. With that, he took off running.
Where to, he didn't know. Only that he needed to get as far from Zenith as possible. Or maybe...the one he wanted to escape was himself. Because while he'd called Zenith a coward, he knew that in the end, the biggest coward was still himself.
All this time, he'd told himself he wouldn't confess to Zenith until he was sure his feelings weren't selfish, acting like it was some grand and noble promise. When it really came down to his own cowardice, his fear that he wouldn't get the answer he wanted.
Now the worst case scenario had come true, and every last pretense had been stripped away. Love, comfort, selflessness. And hope.
Now only the bitter truth lay in front of him.