Zenith had told Theo to rest, but he couldn't. He just couldn't. Who cared that every muscle ached like it'd been run through a shredder and he could barely sense more than a few scraps of Levia. He still couldn't be in half as awful a condition as Ryan.
With nothing else to do, Theo and Zenith had gone to their room. Theo would've liked to join Sam, but she was watching over Ryllis in the infirmary, and Cay had barred all nonessential people from entering. So now he sat on his bed, feeling like the most useless lump in the world.
Zenith stood facing him in the middle of the room. His knight, proud and noble as always, even if his armor was battered and his eyes tired. Nevy still hadn't gotten a chance to fix him, after all.
But at least she still could. A shudder rippled down Theo's spine as he remembered the hole in Avia's chest.
Armor creaked as Zenith stepped closer. "Theo. Are you all right?"
Before he could stop himself, Theo let out a bitter laugh. "I'm not the one who needs to hear that the most, you know."
"Perhaps." Zenith glanced at the floor, his hair spilling over his shoulder. "It seems Ryan wishes to be left alone for now, however."
Made sense. Theo thought of Ryan's furious rant in the cargo hold, the grief crumpling his face. He couldn't even begin to imagine what the other wizard must be feeling.
All this time, he'd thought Ryan was a petty jerk with the emotional range of a brick. But of course he was more complicated than that; all people had more beneath the surface. And Theo couldn't deny that in the end, Ryan truly had come to care about Avia.
If...if it were Theo in his place....
Theo shuddered harder, his heart twisting. In all truth, he'd never once considered the possibiliy. Not when he'd gotten used to thinking of Zenith as practically invincible. No matter how difficult the situation, the knight always pulled through. He'd shaken off losing an arm, even survived a blow to the core in their battle against Ulrich.
Yet that battle should've made it clear that a homunculus' life was as fragile as anyone else's. Now Avia's death served as a reminder he would never forget.
Theo couldn't take Zenith for granted. He never should have.
Zenith could die in the future. Anyone could. They were fighting a full-on war against opponents that far outmatched them. He remembered Hellebore's feral smirk, his maniacal laughter as he traded blows with Zenith, and a wave of nausea swept through his body.
What if...what if he lost Zenith before he could tell confess his feelings?
The thought hit like a punch to the gut, driving the breath from his lungs. No.
He'd told himself he had plenty of time, there was no need to rush – but that wasn't true, was it? Any day, any moment with Zenith might be his last.
So maybe he should tell Zenith right here and now. At least this way, he wouldn't have any regrets.
But even as the words began to rise in his throat, he shoved them down with all his effort. 'Think, dammit!' Not with his panicked lizard brain, but his actual rational mind.
Hadn't he sworn he would only confess to Zenith when he could be sure his feelings were no longer selfish? Wasn't this – confessing out of fear he might miss his chance – the absolute height of selfishness? He still wasn't considering Zenith's feelings at all.
Shame settled in the pit of his stomach, but he almost welcomed it. Taking a deep breath, he looked up at Zenith, who gazed evenly back at him.
"Is something wrong, Theo? You've been quiet for a while."
"It's okay," Theo said quickly. "I was just thinking, I guess."
"I see." Zenith took another step closer, though his expression seemed a little hesitant. "I admit...I may not be the best with such things, but...if there's anything you would like to talk about, I...I am always here for you. I promise, Theo."
He turned away, a faint flush rising in his cheeks. It made affection swell in Theo's chest, so painful and tender he felt like he might burst.
This part of Zenith had never changed – this awkward but heartbreakingly genuine kindness. The least Theo could do, the very least, was try to protect it with everything he had.
Resolve thrummed through him like a string pulled taut. He stood up, reaching out for Zenith.
Zenith took his hand with unconscious ease, making the affection burn brighter. "Theo? Did I say something wrong?"
"No, not at all," Theo said, meeting Zenith's eyes. "Just – can I ask something of you?"
"Of course. Anything," Zenith said, though he sounded mildly puzzled.
"Then...um, could I give you a hug?"
As the words tumbled out of his mouth, Theo tried to fight down the heat burning in his face. What the hell, why was he getting so embarrassed when he'd already kissed Zenith multiple times?
Zenith's reaction did not help; he stared back in that innocently confused way of his. Just when Theo began to consider telling him to forget it, his expression softened into a gentle smile.
"I would be honored, Theo."
With that, he pulled Theo closer, and Theo didn't have to think – he flung his arms around Zenith and buried his face in his familiar's chest, feeling not only the hard metal of his armor but the light thrumming deep within.
Zenith's hands settled on his back, their touch gentle yet reverberating all the way through Theo's bones. More than anything, though, Theo felt comfortable. Safe.
He had no illusions it would last forever. But for now, it was all he could ask for.
~*~
Darian sighed as she gazed into the cloudy sky. Though the storm had ended, the sun had yet to show its face and the sea remained rough and choppy.
By now, they must have gotten several dozen leagues away from Mare. The thought didn't comfort Darian at all. How could it?
Her hands curled into trembling fists atop the railing, knuckles digging into the cold metal. She couldn't get the image of Ryan screaming in grief and rage out of her head.
While no stranger to loss herself, each death of a comrade still cut deep. It had been years since the last one, and that it had happened to Avia – someone who otherwise would've had nothing to do with her quest, someone who hadn't even chosen to come to Tielos – only made it hurt more.
By all means, Ryan ought to be back on Earth. Enjoying summer break with his friends and family, strengthening his bond with Avia in the arena.
Darian's fists shook harder. Her nails bit into her palms, drawing blood.
Quietly clicking footsteps from behind. Darian didn't have to turn around to know it was Guntar.
"Prince Darian," he said. "You ought to rest."
"It's fine. I barely did anything in that battle." Darian glared at the waves churning below. "Even though I was the one who came up with the plan."
Guntar let out a soft cluck. "My liege, you mustn't blame yourself. The plan was sound. We simply had no idea of General Hellebore's strength."
"Well, we should have!" Unable to help herself, Darian slammed her fist against the railing. "Of course he would be – he isn't one of the Four Grand Generals for nothing. I completely underestimated him."
"Then we will know not to in the future, my liege. Perhaps we paid a terrible price to gain that knowledge, but that only means we must make good use of it. I believe that would be the best way to honor Avia. Or would you rather we turned and abandoned Mare?"
His tone became stern, severe. It had been a long time since Darian had heard him speak like this; perhaps even after her mother's death. Somehow, it calmed her a little.
"No, of course not," she said, lifting her gaze. "That's not an option. But now that we know what we're up against, we can't charge in recklessly. We have to regroup, make a new plan."
She faced Guntar, who nodded back with a pleased spark in his eye. "Well said, my liege."
It was one thing to say something, quite another to do it. The stakes were higher than ever, and this time they'd have no smokescreen potion to help them escape if things went wrong. Last night's diversion had almost used up Cay's entire supply.
But that wouldn't stop Darian. She owed it to all her people – including Avia. While nothing could bring Avia back, at least Darian could defeat the one who had slain her.