Ryan had no idea how long he spent sobbing over Avia's body. All he knew was that after a while, the tears stopped coming. He felt empty, used up.
He lay his head on Avia's chest, letting the cold metal press against his temple. An ache throbbed in his skull and his throat felt raw and swollen. Only the sound of his ragged breathing filled the stuffy air of the hold.
There should've been something else, shouldn't there? Something inside him, beneath the green light fitfully sparking through his veins. A low, calming thrum, so subtle he'd never even noticed it until its absence. Background noise, almost like an air conditioner running inside a house.
For all these years, that was exactly how he'd treated Avia. She might as well have been an air conditioner, just a tool for his convenience.
The regrets knifed through his heart again, but they felt duller this time, their edges blunted. Maybe because he didn't have the energy to feel much of anything anymore.
Some insane part of him almost thought he could fall asleep like this, lying on top of Avia. Maybe he'd meet her again in his dreams.
Just when he started sliding his sore eyelids shut, he heard a rustle of cloth. Felt a drift of salty sea breeze.
Alarmed, Ryan lifted his head. Sure enough, a tiny figure stood at the base of the ladder. Clutching the front of their poncho, staring at him with huge, glistening black eyes. There was something terrible in their expression, almost a plea.
Ryan moved his lips, wanting to demand what Fia was doing here, but the words wouldn't come out. He'd probably used up all his voice on crying.
Fia swallowed. "It's...it's been three hours."
A hacking cough cleared Ryan's throat enough to let his voice crawl out. Hoarse and weak, sounding nothing like himself. "Yeah, and? You just came here to tell me the time?"
Fia twisted their poncho beneath their fingers. "You can't stay here forever."
"Fuck off," Ryan growled. Not wanting to look at them any longer, he dropped his gaze back to Avia. At that awful hole in her chest.
For a while, Fia didn't say anything. But they didn't leave either. Ryan could hear them shifting and shuffling, their fast, nervous breathing.
Then they said his name. "Ryan."
Ryan glared harder at Avia. As if hoping he could fix the hole with his eyes alone. But even if he could, it'd be useless.
Once again, the memory of Hellebore crushing her core flashed through his mind. Those sparks drifting away like fireflies. It made his heart twist so painfully he felt like it was being torn in half.
"Ryan." Fia spoke again, louder, more insistent.
Why hadn't they left yet? "I said fuck off," Ryan snarled.
"I won't." To his shock, Fia raised their voice. "Ryan, do you think you're the only one who wasn't able to save somebody precious to you?"
Before he could stop himself, Ryan snapped his head up. Fia glared back at him, their hands clenched into fists and shoulders trembling. The tears still gleamed in their eyes, but something else in them shone even brighter. Anger. Resolve.
"I know exactly how you feel. Irin sacrificed himself for me, just like Avia did for you." Fia's voice came out in short, sharp bursts. "All I could do was stand back and watch."
They drew in a shuddering breath. "And now, this time. I said I'd become stronger. But I – I also ended up doing nothing. Just standing there while the rest of you fought."
"That's not your fault," Ryan said without thinking. "You couldn't have beaten Hellebore."
"And neither could you. So don't blame yourself, okay?"
"No, it's different!" Ryan burst out. The words tore at his throat, but wouldn't stop spilling out. "It is my fault, a hundred percent. It'd be one thing if, if Avia just lost to Hellebore. But I – she lost because of me. Because I was an idiot and she had to save my stupid life!"
The crunch of metal echoed in his ears again. He wondered if he'd ever forget that sound, or if it'd haunt his dreams until the end of time.
"It was the same for me," Fia said, biting their lip. "Irin took an attack that should've hit me. I should've run – but I couldn't, I just couldn't make my body move. So Irin had to – "
They gulped, their throat convulsing, and briefly turned away to swipe at their eyes. But when they looked back at Ryan, their glare was ferocious as ever. "As long as there's one medium, Irin said. Even though I was just an apprentice who'd never managed to channel Samakah once. Anyone could see that – that he shouldn't have sacrificed himself for someone like me. But he did."
"Why are you telling me this, huh?" Ryan bit out. "Trying to say you got it worse?"
Fia flinched like he'd slapped them. "No! I'm just saying you're not alone. And I – I want to help you."
"Help, huh?" Ryan shifted so he was sitting on his rear, legs curled up to his chest. "Okay, then. How'd you get over your mentor's death?"
For a terrifying heartbeat he thought Fia might start crying, and it made him feel even crummier – if that was possible. Instead, the sprite just rubbed their eyes before facing him again and saying, "I'm not over it. I still dream about him almost every night."
"So you're saying I'm always gonna feel like this," Ryan said bitterly. "The guilt's never gonna go away."
"It won't, but you can't let it swallow you either. Like it or not, you can't change what happened. I used to imagine it all the time, what I could've done differently. If I'd just been able to move one foot…." Fia shook their head, their hair flapping. "But after a while, you realize there's no point. It won't bring that person back. Instead...you have to think about why they did it. What they gave their life for."
"To save my worthless ass." Ryan glared down at his knees.
"Avia didn't think you were worthless," Fia said sharply. "And Irin didn't think I was. They – they wanted us to live. Can't you see that? They cared about us, and had faith in us. So the best we can do is honor them. Keep on living. Keep on trying. Become stronger."
Ryan wanted to retort Avia had made a mistake, but it just wouldn't leave his throat. He kept thinking of her last words to him. With all her remaining strength, she had asked if he was all right.
That was just like her. Always thinking of him. Doting on him like he was her kid – and maybe to her, he really had been. She had looked at him all those years ago, this overconfident little shit of a wizard, and seen something in him worth protecting.
How long had she wandered after her creators abandoned her? Until she'd finally met someone who wanted her, who reached his hand out to her. Maybe for a moment, she'd remembered what it had felt like the last time she'd been needed. The last time she'd been happy.
Ryan could wonder all he wanted, but he'd never know for sure. Even more regrets, even more things he should have asked.
"I, uh, um." When Fia's voice drifted to his ears, he looked up to see them furiously rubbing the back of their head. "Sorry, I dunno what I'm even saying. And I don't – I definitely haven't honored Irin as best I could. I was gonna prove myself in that battle, right?"
They laughed, nervous and embarrassed, and rubbed harder. Slowly, without even realizing it, Ryan rose to his feet.
His legs swayed, unused to bearing his weight after all this time, but he managed to stay upright. "Hey," he said softly. "I made that same promise, didn't I? We said we were gonna get strong together. And look how that turned out."
Another shaky laugh from Fia. "I guess…."
"But we still can, can't we?" Ryan said, barely able to believe what was coming from his mouth. "Your town's not free yet. Hellebore's still out there. We've got another chance."
"Huh?" Fia blinked huge eyes. "Ryan, what are you – "
Ryan took in a deep breath. He must be going crazy. But if he was, he didn't give a shit. "Avia shouldn't have sacrificed herself for me. But she did. You're right, I need to honor her. I know she'd want me to keep fighting. And I bet your mentor would want the same for you, yeah?"
Fia nodded, hesitant at first, but then with more confidence. "He would."
"Then…." Step by step, Ryan walked around Avia and approached Fia. "Our promise still stands, right? Let's become stronger. Together."
"Together?" Fia blinked when Ryan held out his hand. Then their eyes widened, their face paling. "Wait a minute. You mean – "
Summoning all his confidence, Ryan met Fia's gaze. "That's right."
He fought down a little voice in him arguing it was too soon, that he was dishonoring Avia. No, hadn't he just said this was to honor her?
And – and – maybe it was stupid, but he wanted to thank Fia somehow, and this might be the best way he knew. Because Fia had gone out of their way to talk to him. Because they'd given him hope for the first time since Avia's death.
"Ryan," Fia whispered. Their hands twitched, bunching up their poncho. Then they tore their right hand away and brought it to Ryan's, delicately wrapping slender fingers around his own. Their skin felt cool and smooth against his.
In spite of everything, a grin spread across Ryan's face. He squeezed Fia's hand tight and pulled them closer.
"Thanks, Fia," he whispered back. And though it might be his imagination, he thought he felt a quiet hum somewhere deep beneath his Levia.