They were back on the Blue Sky. Flying away from Mare, slinking off to lick their wounds.
Ryan couldn't give less of a shit. All he saw was Avia's crumpled body in front of him. That hole gaping in her chest like an endless void.
The cargo hold was dim and stuffy, lit with only one globe-fish and packed with people, but Ryan didn't care. He didn't ever want to leave this place. Didn't ever want to let go of Avia's hand, heavy and cold in his grip. Which made sense – she'd never been warm in the first place.
Still, there'd been more to her than this. At the very least, she should've reacted in some way. Tilted her head, gazed at him in that mildly curious way of hers. Asking him what was wrong, why he couldn't stop trembling.
But her head didn't budge an inch. Twisted to the side, not even looking at him.
When the hatch flung open and footsteps thudded down the ladder, Ryan snapped his head up. Sure enough, Nevy was making her way into the hold.
More steps thundered after her, trembling the entire ladder; must be Kress. The others shuffled to let her through, but Ryan only had eyes on Nevy.
Her gaze landed on Avia and she let out a gasp, hands flying to her mouth.
Ryan leaped to his feet, swiping out his arms. "Fix her! Now! You can do it, can't you?"
"What?" Nevy flinched as if Ryan had struck her, and that sent white-hot rage searing through him.
"Don't play dumb! I know you can!"
Right, it wasn't over. Avia wasn't just any familiar. She was a homunculus. The toughest of the tough. She'd make it through, she definitely would, and afterwards Ryan would get to apologize as much as he needed to –
"I can't. I'm sorry."
Nevy's voice sliced through his racing thoughts like a knife made of ice. Ryan stared at her, gaping.
"Say what?"
"I can't," Nevy said again, firmer. She shook her head. "It looks like...like her core itself was destroyed. Without it, the homunculus won't be able to function. Even if I repair her body, she'll have nothing powering her. I'm so sorry."
Her words washed over Ryan's ears, each more terrible than the last. He could only stare at her, a sickening disbelief twisting his insides into knots. No, no, it'd drive him insane – he had to let it out –
Without thinking, he lunged over Avia's prone body and seized Nevy by the jacket. "You fucking useless piece of shit!" exploded out of his mouth. "What do you mean you can't do anything? I'm telling you to fix her right now! If you really can't, what the hell are you doing here anyway?"
He shook her once, twice, but before he could a third time a heavy hand grabbed his arm. Ryan twisted, but couldn't fight against the steely strength of that grip. As he writhed and sputtered, the hand yanked his arm back and forced him to release Nevy.
"That's enough!" Kress' bark echoed through the hold. "I know you're upset, and you have every right to be, but you are not going to take it out on Nevy! Got it? She's trying her best to help!"
With that, she gave Ryan a shove that sent him stumbling backward. Indignity seared through him and he almost welcomed it – at least it meant he wouldn't have to feel this awful sinking helplessness, like he was drowning in tar.
"Her best isn't enough!" he yelled. "Useless, you're all fucking useless!"
And – and – the most useless one of all was –
Just like that, the rage fled him in one violent swoop. Feeling dizzy and weak, he sank back down to his knees. Once again, his eyes landed on that awful hole in Avia's chest. For a horrifying flash, the rain was pouring again and a fist wrapped in vines protruded from the hole....
It kept playing over and over in his head, like a video on loop. The moment Avia had appeared in front of him. The crunch as Hellebore's fist tore through her body.
Over and over, faster each time, until he though it would drive him crazy – he couldn't breathe, it hurt too damn much –
"Ryan Crowley!" he raged, clenching his hands into trembling fists. "The best, the hope of the Crowleys! Strongest in generations! What's it all mean anyway? Huh? What's it mean? When I – when I can't even protect my own damn familiar – "
The words burned as they came up, scraping his throat like barbed wire, but it wasn't enough, it still wasn't enough. He had to, had to get them out, but what did it even matter? What would they change?
Nothing would change what had happened. No matter how hard he screamed or raged, no matter how hard he begged or prayed, no matter how awful his regrets.
His vision fractured into a colorful blur, then hot liquid flooded his eyes, dripping down his cheeks in stinging trails. He couldn't remember the last time he'd cried. Now it felt like he'd never be able to cry enough.
"I couldn't do anything, I couldn't do fucking anything!" he wailed, slamming his fists into the floor. "I'm a Crowley and I still couldn't – what's the point, what's the goddamn point?"
"Ryan." A voice, so soft and gentle he almost didn't recognize it. Blinking hard, he made out a tall, auburn-haired woman through his tears. Striding his way, a terrible expression on her face.
And he had no choice but to stare at it as Meg leaned closer to him. "Ryan, I...I can't begin to imagine what you must be feeling. If – "
"Yeah, that's fucking right, you can't!" Ryan's howled. "So fuck off, will you? Leave me alone! Leave me the fuck alone!"
"Ryan – "
"I told you to go!" Wildly, unthinking, he swung his fists. Meg stepped out of the way, Lodo grabbing her shoulder and murmuring something to her. The sight drove a bitter spike of hatred into Ryan's heart. Damn those bastards, rubbing their bond in his face!
"Go! Go!" he screamed. "Get out of here, all you goddamn – "
Miraculously, it seemed like they were going to listen. People began trickling out of the hold, climbing back up the ladder. Some threw him pitying looks, and that made Ryan incandescent with rage. He didn't need it, the last thing he needed was their pity – and when Theo glanced back at him Ryan almost wanted to throttle the little emo punk. The day when Theo Hua of all people felt sorry for him –
But the worst thing was, Ryan knew that if their positions had been reversed, Theo would've never allowed Sir Zenith to suffer the same fate as Avia.
The truth sat deep in his gut, heavy and cold as a stone. And he couldn't do anything to defend himself against it.
When the last of the footsteps faded away, Ryan bent low over Avia. His tears fell onto her chest, sliding glimmering trails down her armor. Just like the rain in her final moments.
"I – I – I'm so sorry." Finally it came out. Just one of the things he needed to say to her, and it wasn't nearly enough. His fumbling fingers found her hand, closed around it tight. Dug into the cold metal like they never wanted to let go. "I'm so sorry, Avia. This is all – it's all because of me. If I hadn't, if I hadn't gone and spouted off my big mouth like that, he wouldn't have noticed me. And then you – you w-wouldn't have had t-to – "
That was what hurt the most about it all. Like a dull knife digging into his muscles, tearing them from his bones. The knowledge that in the end, this was all his fault. Because he'd wanted to show off like some kid at the schoolyard, he'd made Avia sacrifice her life for nothing.
The tears fell harder, hitting her armor with little plinks. Somehow he couldn't help remembering their last conversation, when she'd told him about the little boy she used to serve. At that time Ryan hadn't wanted to hear it, but now he wished more than anything that she could've told him more.
Now she never would. He'd never know more about her – who she'd been before she'd met him, or even what she thought about him. Even after he'd started trying to get to know her, she'd never talked much. And Ryan had been fine with it. Why did he have to hear her babble when he already knew she'd chosen him?
The realization he'd never hear her voice again, that hesitant yet soothing contralto, sent bitter regret wrenching through his guts. She'd never nag at him to eat his vegetables again. Never...never ask if he was all right.
Like her last words. Even at the very end, she'd only thought about him.
That did it for Ryan. He collapsed over Avia's chest, wrapping his arms tight around the lifeless metal. Sobs shook his entire body, echoed around the entire hold. Nobody was around to hear, to feel sorry for him, to offer him useless comfort. Just the way he wanted it.
Right now, he only needed one person with him.