Zenith stiffened – but only for a moment. He melted expertly into the kiss, his lips molding to Theo's, his breath filling Theo's mouth. When their tongues brushed, sparks flared inside Theo.
Literally. He could feel his Levia churning, the waves of dawn light flowing toward Zenith's crystal core. Combined, their power blazed so bright it brought tears to Theo's eyes.
Zenith tilted his head, changing the angle slightly so he captured Theo's bottom lip between his teeth. To his great embarrassment, Theo let out a little squeak.
Just like that, Zenith drew back. Theo almost cried out a protest, but one look at Zenith's flushed cheeks, his still-glistening lips, shut him right up. His hair had gotten a little disheveled too, one loose lock falling between his eyes.
He had never been more beautiful. Theo wanted to burn the sight into his memory.
But at the same time, he couldn't miss the change coming over Zenith's expression, transforming breathless exhilaration into….confusion. Zenith blinked, his eyelashes sweeping elegant arcs.
"Theo?" His voice definitely sounded puzzled. "I thank you for the Levia, but it was unnecessary. I am fully charged."
A cold knife sliced through the heat blanketing Theo. Suddenly, he became exquisitely aware of the tingling on his lips.
What….what had he done?
He'd kissed Zenith. Again. This time, he'd initiated it. Not to exchange Levia, but – but because –
Because of something he didn't want to face. Something he'd spent all this time desperately shoving into a dusty corner in the back of his mind. But instead of disappearing, it had festered in there until he couldn't ignore it anymore.
'I'm still...in love with Zenith.'
Still in love. If anything, he'd only fallen deeper in love after their conversation in the park. After he'd fought to save Zenith from Oliver. After Zenith had visited just because he'd been worried….
Not that he'd meant anything romantic by it. No, Theo was the one who'd invited Zenith into his room, who'd sang that sappy song to him. The song he had to acknowledge, deep inside, that he'd written thinking about his knight.
"Theo?" Zenith tilted his head, still innocently confused.
Theo couldn't meet his gaze. Curling his fingers into his palms, he stared down at the floor. He had to apologize. But would Zenith even understand what he was apologizing for?
And – and – and he didn't want to. Maybe, this time – after all, Zenith had called him beautiful. No, the song. Well, he'd he'd been the one to approach Theo, to touch him first.
'You know that doesn't mean he wanted a kiss,' Theo told himself angrily.
But his heart was hammering so hard and every inch of his skin was prickling and he just couldn't, couldn't let it drop. Not so easily.
"Zenith," he found himself saying. "What...what do you want the most?"
Coward. Even here, even now, he couldn't ask the question he really wanted to. Because he was too afraid to hear the answer he knew he would get.
"Theo?" Zenith's innocent confusion only made him feel worse. "Why are you asking that?"
"Just answer," Theo mumbled to his feet, hating himself.
"To fight for my liege so she may fulfill her mission," Zenith replied without hesitation.
Theo's heart sank. Of course.
He ought to take that as a sign to give up, to stop pressing. But his mouth was already moving. "Isn't there anything you want for yourself?"
"That is what I want for myself." Once again, Zenith sounded puzzled.
"No, I mean…." Theo dug his nails deeper into his palms. "Like, just imagine you didn't have to fight for her. If you were a human on Earth. There's – there's gotta be something else – "
"Theo!" Zenith's sharp voice cut through his babblings like a sword. When Theo looked back at him, he almost wished he hadn't.
The blush was gone, replaced by a sickening pallor. His eyes were huge with horror.
"What are you saying?" Zenith breathed rapidly, his voice shaking. "If I didn't 'have' to fight for her? That's wrong. I don't view it as an obligation, not at all. Fighting for my liege is the entire reason for my existence."
Shame twisted Theo's stomach into knots. What the hell was wrong with him? Everything had been going so well today. Until he'd had go to and ruin it all with his childish selfishness.
The worst thing was a part of him still didn't want to give up. Find more ways to say it, or maybe just keep hammering in the same point until...until what? Until Zenith finally said Theo mattered to him more than Darian?
Stupid, stupid, stupid. Theo already knew it wasn't going to happen. If he kept on pushing, he'd only hurt both of them more.
"Please, Theo, are you sure you're feeling all right?" When Zenith took a step closer, Theo involuntarily recoiled. Zenith fell still, but that only made Theo feel worse. "If I have done something to upset you, then – "
"No, you haven't!" Theo burst out. It hurt so much to speak, like coughing out rusty nails. "You haven't. It's all – I'm just being stupid. I'm sorry, Zenith. Forget I asked that, okay?"
Zenith blinked a few times, not looking convinced. "Are you certain?"
"Yeah, yeah, I am." Theo couldn't meet Zenith's gaze. "I really am fine. Thanks for coming, and, uh, listening to me sing. I feel better now, so you can, um, go back."
"Your body temperature has risen dramatically," Zenith said.
The matter-of-fact statement sent a despairing laugh bubbling inside Theo – one he quickly crushed down. But still. That could have come straight out of a robot from a Hollywood movie. Just another reminder that Zenith ultimately couldn't give Theo what he wanted the most.
So Theo needed to do the mature thing and give it up. Bury these feelings, and this time for good. It would be painful, but it was far better than hurting and confusing Zenith.
'I am Zenith's wizard. He cares about me, but I'll never come before his mission. That's just the way it is.'
When Zenith said his name again, Theo realized he'd gotten distracted. He swallowed hard and stared at some spot to the left of Zenith's shoulder.
"I'm fine, really. I'm kind of tired now, so I'd like to sleep. Sorry."
"Forgive me for intruding," Zenith said, a little hesitantly. "Then...I suppose I'll take my leave. Please rest well."
Theo nodded, unable to speak. Zenith turned and headed out of the room, though he paused at the doorway to throw Theo one last glance.
Somehow, Theo managed a weak smile and a wave. Apparently satisfied, Zenith nodded and shut the door after him.
Theo sat in place until he heard the front door close, then crawled to the corner of the bed and dragged the blanket up to his chin. Not to sleep – he didn't know if he could ever sleep again.
The first sob wracked his chest. Then, giving in, he buried his face in the blanket and broke down crying.