POV: Ethan
"I'm tired as fuck." I know that no one's around to hear me, but cursing to the empty room still makes me feel slightly better.
It wouldn't be as empty if Shiv was here.
And thanks brain, now was definitely the time for that. Glad we're all on the same side here.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuckedy-fuck fuck!
And now I can't stop thinking of Shiv and how she would be telling me to go to bed right now. I would be replying about how I need to do this now so I can spend all day tomorrow with her and Eli. She would respond that I wouldn't be able to stay awake the whole day if I didn't go to sleep soon. I can almost hear our ghostly conversation reverberate around my empty office.
"I fucking miss her." The words betray the brokenness I only allow myself to feel when I am alone.
There's not a single thing about her that I don't miss. I miss her brown silken hair that Eli used to always pull on and drive her crazy, I miss her porcelain skin, and the way she used to run her hands over my stubbled jaw, I miss her beautiful smile that she used to beam at Eli and me for the smallest things. I miss her wonderful personality, bright and bubbly, and always willing to help out anyone in their time of need. I miss her gorgeous hazel eyes that she gave to our son, they would always get darker when she was angry or thinking. Visions of the woman I love dance behind my eyelids every time I blink. It takes all of my willpower to stave off the ever-present voice in my head that would allow me to give in to the darkness and leave my grief behind.
Ethannn, catch me if you can...
Lately, the voice is beginning to sound more and more like my love. And lately, it's getting harder and harder to ignore.
It's been almost two years, but it still feels like yesterday I was last able to hold her in my arms.
Fuck. Okay. I'm definitely not getting any work done tonight.
I get up from my desk and cut out the office lights as I go. Tonight my tall wooden desk seems to be mocking me. I can almost remember the joy I felt when I first took office, but it seems like both lifetimes ago and just yesterday. The one picture of Shiv that I allow to invade my office beams at me from the only corner of life I have in here. The picture of Siobhan, heavily pregnant, arms carelessly outstretched in an unreturned hug while the wind and sunset behind give the appearance of a halo is the last thing I see as I close the door behind me.
Not for the first time, I wonder which deities are responsible for us ending up here. I would pledge myself to anyone that could promise to bring her back to me.
I sigh and try to rub the exhaustion from my eyes. I'd better go check on Eli. He has nightmares sometimes and wakes up crying. I always want to know what is going on in his brain that bothers him so. How is he so young and already has such violent dreams?
I open Eli's door to see him tossing and turning on his little toddler bed. His brow is crinkled and he looks as if he is going to wake up crying soon. I pick him up from his bed without waking him up and instantly his furrowed brow softens and his trembling stops. I wish I was always able to take away his troubles like this, but unfortunately, there are some forces even I am powerless against.
I sigh again. Either I take him to my room now or he comes in later crying. As if to weigh in on my unspoken choice, Eli snuggles further into my chest in his sleep. Even though I wish I could take away all of his troubles, this is my favorite part of fatherhood. I love to be able to just stare in amazement at the curious life I helped create, and it is definitely easier to do that when he is still and quiet and not when he is screaming and tearing up my house.
I carry the sleeping boy to my room and set him down on my bed while I change. Unconsciously he searches for the place that smells the most like me and he ends up with his arms wrapped around my pillow.
I look down at my son and I'm reminded again how beautiful his mother is and how much I miss her. There is so much of her in his face. When he was first born she was so upset that he looked just like me, but as he grows I am reminded every day of the legacy his mother left for him.
I wish she were here to see him. He is still young, but every day I am more and more proud of the man he is becoming and I wish she were here to share this feeling with. One of the worst things about being a single parent is not having anyone to share in his accomplishments. Shiv and I used to be a team, and now I am the only one left.
Ethaaannn...
While I am lost in my thoughts, Eli starts to tremble again, probably his nightmare starting back up. I tuck him under the covers and slide in next to him. Once again, I wish I could understand what was going through his mind at times like these so I knew how to help him.
I wasn't ready for fatherhood. The day Shiv told me we were going to be parents was one of the best days of my life, don't get me wrong, but she was always so confident. Even as an eighteen-year-old she knew exactly how to raise Eli. She never had any doubts.
I, on the other hand, never knew (and still don't know) what the fuck I am doing. Don't get me wrong, he's the most important thing in the world to me, but I am constantly overwhelmed by the day to day realities of single fatherhood. Sometimes I still stay up late, terrified, and thinking of all the ways I am screwing up my son.
Eli turns over onto his side and snuggles back into my chest, breaking my dreary train of thought. His eyes are fluttering behind his eyelids and I can only hope his dreams are pleasant.
I look down at him and am overcome with how amazing he is.
His chubby little cheeks puff in and out as he breathes and a little tuft of hair falls over his eyelids. He needs a haircut, he's starting to look scraggly, but I guess so am I.
He needs his mom.
I need his mom.
Fuck me.
Fuck.
I fall asleep as I usually do, thinking about Shiv.
And how spectacularly fucked I am.