I shuffle through the gravel on the way back to my house; well, sort of a house. My own little paradise rests in the loft of our abandoned barn. Keeps me away from the fighting most of the time at least. My parents have no clue that I've been myself a getaway up here, and I'm trying my best to keep it that way.
I stubble up to my makeshift bed in the loft, and lay down for just a moment before I hear my dad's truck rumble down the driveway. I stow my bookbag away and climb back down slowly. I wait until I hear the slam of the screen door before I walk into the actual house myself. Beer cans and fast food bags litter the floor from the front door to the living room several feet away. A pack of Pepsi calls my name as I stomp into the kitchen. I crack it open as my mother comes down the stairs.
"Hey hun, how was school?" She asks me absently.
"Fine." I sigh, not that she cares. I try to shift from the awkwardness into the living room but she follows me regardless. I wonder where my dad disappeared to. I sink into the couch and turn on the TV, nothing good is ever on but I can't stand silence.
"I need to talk to you about something. Can you turn that down for a second?" She sounds more gentle than normal, now I'm wondering who died.
"Okay..." Sipping my drink does not ease the silence the same as the television.
"Your father and I are separating. I can't stay another fucking minute in this town." She spits, no remorse, nothing other than pure hate. I can't say I didn't see this coming, I think everyone I've ever met has told me that my parents are horrible for each other.
"So where does that leave me?" As much as I hate it, I hope wherever my mom goes I can tag along. Being alone with my father makes me want to vomit.
"You can stay or come with me, but we all know you don't want to stay with him. I'm planning on going to Washington, your grandmother is there, she can help me get on my feet and from there I don't know what I'm doing." She sighs, it almost feels like she might actually be a little scared of what might happen. Doubtful, but possible I suppose.
My family has never been a stranger to change and uncertainty. I've dealt with constant moving, my parents' on-again, off-again relationship, and just about as much as I can take of family drama. My mom had a rough childhood from what I can tell, my grandfather, Ben, was an alcoholic and wasn't very nice about it. My grandma though, the sweetest lady on the planet. My mom has countless stories about her and idolized that woman, and for good reason, I believe. Teri was always protecting my mom from Ben, took the abuse in whatever form it came in as much as she could. I think my mother hates her for that somehow, but I wonder what my life would be like if my mom had protected me throughout the last 17 years. I wish she'd had the guts to divorce him by now, but it's just another separation. They always do this.
"I would love a trip to Grandmas, I'll pack my stuff. How long should I plan for?" I huff as I swirl the remaining soda in my can, before setting it on the stained side table. She looks at me with a gleam in her eyes, like a child.
"Forever, we're not coming back Hailey. This time it's really happening." She whispers to me. "I'll tell you more when we leave, but I have a plan. Just pack as much as you can. We're getting out of here baby." She seems so hopeful, and I start to believe her.
I take it in for a second and scan the room. It's dirty. No matter how many times I clean, it's like someone just presses the undo button as soon as I'm done. I look at my mother up and down. She's not high, her emerald eyes are relatively normal. She has such pretty eyes, and her smile used to be gorgeous too before she got into some of the more... intense drugs.
"Lidia-"
"Coming!" She interrupts my father calling for her. Standing, she shrugs her cardigan further over her shoulders.
"Get ready now, we're leaving tonight. He said he wants us out as soon as possible." She snatches the pack of Pall Malls and rushes up the stairs to him. I hear the slam of the bedroom door and murmuring. I throw back the rest of my Pepsi and decide it's time to pack like she said.
My room isn't the worst if I'm being honest. I have a decent mattress, plenty of clothes, even a TV. My mom really does take good care of me when she's sober enough to remember that I'm here. I open the sliding doors of my closet and grab as much as I can. Mom had already set my suitcase out on the bed and some trash bags for the rest.
As I pack I can't help but think of all of the memories I have here. This house has been the longest stay so far. We moved to Nebraska almost four years ago, when my parents decided they were going to try to get their shit together. Both of them tried to get sober here, and it almost lasted an entire year. My 15th birthday party ruined it. It was a hopeful year, life was good.
But now as I shove everything I own into Hefty bags, I know I should never have hoped for anything more. I can hear arguing from the room above me, it sounds like I need to finish packing sooner than I thought. I try to hurry.
Once everything important was gathered, I tossed the bags into my moms' hatchback. I'm not entirely sure that this thing was going to make it to Washington. I start it and crank the air up all the way. The middle of July is not a very nice time of year in my opinion. Sweating is gross.
I decide maybe I should say goodbye to my dad, since this time it is "forever". I step into the house, hear the yelling, and decide against it. It won't be long before we leave anyway. I climb behind the steering wheel and wait to be the getaway driver.
My Mom comes out sulking not too long after and jumps into the passenger side. She says nothing, just hands me her phone with the directions and turns away.
We drive in silence until I run out of my own money for gas. I used all of the cash in my purse and refused to dip into my savings. She's still asleep, and I need her card to refill. Panic sets in when I realize I need to wake her up and ask her for the money. My hand buzzes as I tap on her shoulder. Flashbacks of every time I've asked for money race through my mind, but this time it's not just for me.
She twitches and her eyes flutter. Mumbling, she sits up and looks around.
"Where are we now?" She seems groggy. I point to the sign on the corner of the road.
"Edge of Montana." I swallow down what feels like a cotton ball and pick at the steering wheel a bit, suddenly interested in it.
"Erm.. Do you think I could maybe use your card for the next couple of tanks? I ran out of money. If not that's okay, I can figure something out, you don't have to worry about it. I-" She hands me her wallet.
"Here. You should've asked earlier. I don't understand why you have such a hard time with this shit. It's not that hard to talk to people." I nod and take the wallet from her. I find the card and slip outside to the pump. I try taking deep breaths to get rid of the ball in my chest, but can't quite accomplish it.