There's a storm coming in. I can feel the warm air getting heavier with humidity and the wind moving faster and more erratic than before. I can nearly smell the moisture in the thickness of this storm.
I look up from the winding dirt path filled with so many crushed shells it is more white in color, and gaze upwards. This area is so flat you can see miles of this wetland and endless sky.
"Pfffft," I draw out the noise, then mutter "of course".
The incoming storm is so vast it takes up nearly a third of the horizon. If it wasn't status quo, I'd say it's almost amazing that I could be this unobservant. I can say, however, that I have been more distracted than I usually am while hiking outdoors. With these many thoughts pressing on my mind, I haven't exactly stopped to smell the roses. Or...in this case, the swamp lilies, cordgrass and cormorant dung. This is Florida afterall.
A storm would be a real kicker to this bullshit of a day. And with the light show I can see in the clouds, it's certainly going to be a doozy.
I sigh and rub my temples.
It's just this place. It's stale and unsatisfying. I can't remember the last time I have enjoyed going to work, looked forward to a date with Marco, or even felt content at my own apartment. The only time I seem to feel something other than complacency is during moments like this: ones that I can spend in the woods or swimming in the ocean and exploring the outdoors.
Although, even that seems to be less interesting these days.
Maybe it's me that's the issue. The only things I can control are my own emotions and thoughts, so it seems logical that I could be the root of the issue. Of this growing discontent.
Florida certainly hasn't changed. Perhaps, it is me who is changing. Yet, maybe, it is the lack of change that is the problem. I don't have the answers I am hoping for, but I do know that I need to do something to improve my current circumstances.
I glance back at the impending storm that is peppered with lightning and leaving the ground trembling in its wake. The first raindrop hits my cheek and leaves a cold trail to my chin.
'Let it come' I smirk and think to myself. Let it break up this monotony and mediocrity. I have nothing to lose, but I might have something to gain.
A storm doesn't stop me from enjoying this, unless I let it.
I lick my lips in anticipation and pick up my pace. I have some decisions to make, and I won't put it on hold anymore.
...
"What did you just say?" Marco's eyes were wide in surprise.
After my hike ended, I called Marco and asked him to meet outside of a coffee shop nearby his place. I decided to get this done as soon as possible, which means I didn't even go home to change or clean up before meeting with him.
The storm was utterly massive, and I spent the majority of my hike being splashed with dirt when the rain pounded the trail and had to constantly wipe the water from my eyes. Every inch of me was soaked to the bone, which is still true, since my clothes have barely started to dry.
He was taken back by my appearance at first, and slightly amused, but any of that humor in his eyes has been replaced with shock after my first statement.
"It's over". I repeated, frowning in thought about how to word this in a better way….but, I'm coming up blank. What am I supposed to say, 'it's not you, it's me'? No, thank you. That's true only if one sees with a shallow perspective. Where we are - and where we are ending - is not because of a sole person. It is due to a multitude of factors, missed opportunities, shots taken, contrary actions and misunderstandings. All of which are moments that have led us here.
"It's time to call it, Marco". I don't know when I settled on using a sports reference for this, but let's just roll with it.
"W-why?" He finally spits out.
Some small, itty bitty part of me was hoping he wasn't going to ask me this question. I realize that is unrealistic, but I wished for it nonetheless.
I blew out a deep breath.
"Look, I'm making changes in my life. I'm going to start fresh, and I need to do it on my own. We had our time, and it was great for awhile, but we need to move on".
"..."
"..."
"What?" He finally asks.
"Marco! You're a smart man, so I can't imagine you haven't noticed that we have plateaued. Our relationship is neither progressing or worsening. It just is. Which was comfortable for awhile, but both of us can do better than that". I didn't want to come off as harsh, but I do need to make this clear. And I doubt that any of this is news to him, he had to have noticed this as well. So to give him a boost, I quickly added, "Sex is still great though" and give him a wink.
That seems to finally crack through his confusion. He chuckles quickly before drawing in a sharp breath and releasing it in a low sigh. "Yeah...I know what you mean". He contemplates in silence for a few moments before finally nodding in acceptance.
"When I head home, I'll be packing up and leaving. I don't know when I will come back to visit, so this is goodbye". I tell him.
He taps his fingers lightly on the table between us and looks down at his movements. His light brown hair falls over his forehead in subtle waves. "Where are you going?" He asks me.
I shrug in response. "I have a few places in mind, but I am going to take a long road trip to find out what else is out there".
He looks up at me, and his hazel eyes steadily hold my gaze. "Since I have met you, you've been known to wonder and want for more, but when will you appreciate what you have? Try to make the best of it. I caution you, Mer, the grass isn't always greener."
That's fair, and I can see where he's coming from. I can rarely feel settled, and continuously question my circumstances - but that hasn't been because I have failed to see the value of the things around me. It is because there is something else that I want. It might be naïve, but I feel that something more is out there for me.
"You might be right, Marco, but I need to find out for myself. I will make mistakes, but I will also make choices for the better. I owe it to myself to try".
We sit in silence for a few more moments before I begin to fidget and get ready to leave.
"You're leaving right away?" He asks.
"Yes" I reply with assurance.
He glances at me before looking to the side with a slight blush in his cheeks. "Any chance you want to come to my place for a proper goodbye?" He asks with a boyish grin.
I laugh in response to his playfulness. "As tempting as an offer as that is, I'm afraid I have to decline. I'm a little distracted at the moment and need to get my things in order at home".
He lifts his shoulder in a small shrug, "Can't blame me for asking".
"No, I don't." I start to stand and say, "Alright Marco, take care of yourself. You know how to reach me if you want to stay in touch."
"Same here, Meridian."
I give him a tender smile and a small nod before walking away from the table. The moment would have almost been sweet, if it wasn't for the squelching noises coming from my soaking wet sneakers. It was hard to feel solemn when all I could hear is wet, flapping noises coming from my feet.
Amused, I dig my toes into the bottom of my shoes and press down, causing the noises to become louder. If I should make the best of things, why not start now? I grin to myself and head out to take care of the next item of my to-do list.