She looked around in desperation, to save her son from this self torture as I smiled sadly off into a distance..... then she just stood up and slapped me hard across my face. The sound was slapped outta me. The smile was gone... I let go and the pendant fell.
Then they came....the tears....the hundred silent tears of the past 5 years.... I was crying for Ted, for Ashna....
But more than anyone, I was crying for myself.
My mother held me to her chest as I bawled.... It felt like I was crying the world's tears.... I felt so heavy.....like I was under my thoughts....
She held me to her heart.... Its beat imitating her tongue.... 'It's ok.... It's ok....'
Ages passed, I don't know....maybe....but next I found myself getting first aid.
My mom was tying the gauze tightly.... she was angry... I was silent.
'Why do you do this to yourself?' she said... I was mute...
'This is not gonna bring him back.... it's been 5 years ... who knows maybe he lived ?' I was mute.
The process was done and she was about to say something when I said 'I don't want to talk about it.'
She didn't like that 'Good, be exactly like your dad.... Don't wanna talk about anything huh?'
I picked up my jacket, pretending I didn't hear her.
'Where are you going Amias?' she asked, worried.
'To return a friend's bike' I replied.
'Which friend?' Ya she was shocked that I had friends except Vinny.
'Theo. I'll be back soon'
'Who's this now? Anyway it's 6 in the morning you...' I was out before she said more.
The air was cruelly cold as I cycled back to the Sparks'. Something felt wrong inside me, no not the crippling guilt in my heart...see I was used to that...not that guilt.... something was physically wrong....
When I reached the yard, I kept the bike next to the other one and was leaving silently when I heard Ariel call out my name. She was in the lawn.... She was signalling me to come inside through the back door. I did.
'Amias. I just returned... weren't you supposed to sleep here?'
'Something came up at home.... I came to return the bike '
'Ohhh... you sweet thing... Why are you so pale?' her eyes look worried...
'It's nothing Mrs. Sparks' I wanted to leave as soon as possible....
'Come and drink some water ' she caught hold of my hand and her eyes went wide... 'AMIAS! You're freezing.... Lord.... dial your mom for me. You ain't leaving here ....' she said firmly, handing me her phone.
My head felt light... I couldn't argue so I silently dialled Ma. She took it from there and was talking to her when suddenly, my legs gave up ....
I was on the floor.... Ariel was screaming.... And everything went black....
I was coming back... I was feeling again.... I didn't open my eyes..... they felt too heavy to lift, my body felt cold... I was on a bed... Theo's bed.... I felt hands in my hair, caressing lovingly.... My head was in his lap.
I tried to open my eyes and they did, to the vision of his face looking down at me with all the love in the world....
'Hey, sleepyhead...'
I was about to say something when he put his hand to my mouth....
'Don't say anything.... Your mom is out of town again... She met my mom before leaving. You're staying here'
I just looked at him, his palm felt good on my lips... I blinked to say yes, he smiled.... He lifted my head from his lap and laid it on the pillow as he slid next to me. His body touched mine, he brought his hands around my waist and pulled me to him, a leg came over mine and locked me in. My hands were struggling, this was too close for me... he looked into my eyes and I thought he would kiss me but instead he moved to my ear 'You're cold and sick...let me take care of you' I surrendered.
He moved and was on top of me.... the familiar weight was warm.... There were many other ways of keeping a person warm, but look I wasn't complaining either....
I fell asleep soon....
I woke up again but the room was empty this time.... It was evening. I looked at myself, my pants weren't there.... I looked over and found them in the corner. I quickly got dressed and started leaving when I met him on the stairs....
'Where do you think you are going?'
'Home. I'm ok now' I replied, something inside me was getting impatient.
'No you are not. You just recovered. No one's at your home.'
'Thank you Theo. But I can't stay. I just gotta go home' I said.
'You can't go, you're not well.... I won't let you'
I was too irritated to say anything, I tried to go down the stairs but he gripped my hand tightly. I struggled but he was stronger.
'Why are you doing this Theo? Let me go!'
'Because I care for you. Right now you're hurting yourself by not resting'
'Care??? We don't even know each other. Please just let me go now.'
'I know a lot of things about you. I know the way you feel under me, I know how you push yourself into me because you love being held, I know how your hair feels between my fingers, I know how your lips taste, how your skin tastes, how your dick...' he was taunting me....
'Stop! What has gotten into you? Just leave me be....'
'Why don't you see that I care for you, that you shouldn't be alone tonight? I want you here with me.....Why are you running?'
I snapped 'How dare you say that? You are not my boyfriend. My lover or something. We, we....'
'We are not lovers. I get it. Then what are we Amias?'
'We....um....' I wanted to say that I liked him, that he had touched something in me, awakened me, I wanted to tell him that I wasn't running from him....
I was running from myself....
But my tongue failed me..... I stood there silently, he just smiled sadly...
'Ok.... I get it now....' he said.
'Theo look....'
'You may leave' his voice was cold... I got the message, I was supposed to leave....
I looked at him once more but he looked away. I just left.....
On the bus to home, I realized that I was a huge fucking mess. Finally after years of being dead, I was finally alive, this guy was showing me how it felt to desire and be desired....
Theo wanted me... I wanted him... but a part of me didn't, the part which still belonged to him.....
To Ted....
The air in my room was cold when I entered.... everything felt empty ....
I wanted to cry... my head felt heavy.... I just wanted to go back in time to that day and change everything, I wanted to stop running.....
But it was too late again, I was being pulled again....
I closed my eyes....
I was 13, running into my room, locking it. I pulled out my diary and wrote in excitement, pages and pages and pages about him.... About the angel I had found in the ancient woods....
For the next days, his blue eyes were staring at me everywhere I went. He was my first thought when I woke up and the last when I slept, I wrote about his arms, his skin, his eyes.... Everything.....
I was in love. As outlandish, as ridiculous it sounds, I actually was. For the first time ever.
Every night I would hope for the day to come when we would meet again, if I ever thought about how I would have only two more days with him, I pushed that thought away....
Then it came, the first of his last two days with me....
As usual, I walked into woods to find him on a tree, waiting with a smile.... Something like a button clicked up in me, and BAM! You've a Happy Amias...
The branch was too high for him to jump from so I stood below to catch him.... He jumped and I caught him by the waist....he was slender and light... I was keeping him down when he hugged me, clinging to me. I hugged him back.
I felt my heart fly....
'I missed you Raven.' he whispered.
'I missed you too Ted'
I didn't put him down. We stood there like that for ages..... silent.
But not the voices inside me....
You're in love one said....
You're screwed said another.....
© Alexis Vane