I'm on my way now to the cafe for work. Ms. Ava has been checking up on me ever since I hadn't updated her last Friday. She always worries about my being, which I am truly grateful for because only a few care about me.
The afternoon was quiet. No one really bothered me. Although I have heard a lot of whispers and gossips in the hallway, I just shook my head and rolled my eyes. Nate and I haven't bumped each other since the rooftop. He was in class, but he didn't even glance to look at me. He was so focused on the lesson. "Good for him," I thought in my head, while I can't even process any class we just had for the day.
My phone beeped, and it was a reminder that I have due paperwork tomorrow. "Shit," I cursed to myself. I totally forgot I've got homework to do. Good thing I use reminders on my phone, or else I would totally forget about it.
I messaged the group chats with the class I had last Thursday.
"Hey, guys, who still doesn't have a partner for the movie report?" I typed.
"Sorry, @Luna! I already have @Kate," said Jane. Kate sent a sob emoji.
"How about you @Valerie?" I asked, mentioning Valerie, but she didn't reply. Then, one of our classmates said another person and me on the same line of the message.
"Hey, @Luna. I think everyone already got a partner except for @NathanielCooper."
"Fuck," I shouted, and when I realized I disturbed the other people on the train, I ducked my head in embarrassment. I glared on the group chat looking at the people who have seen the message, but I don't see Nate's name. Obviously, he still hasn't checked our group chat yet. Hopefully, he'll never take a look at it, just until this homework is over.
I shook my head and cheered myself that I can do the movie report alone. Even though this is my first time doing such homework, girls gotta learn, or I won't really achieve anything.
It's already 9:30 PM, and the cafe is about to close. The other staff is doing the inventory checking with Miss Ava while I was cleaning up the tables. I heard the door open because of the clanging of the bells hanging on top of it. I greeted the customer but stopped midway when I realized who it was.
I turned around and immediately went to the staff room by my locker. My heart was acting up crazy again, beating up and down fast. I can't understand the feeling; it is as if I can't breathe. Then, I heard Ms. Ava called for me.
"Yes, Ms. Ava?" She was busy giving instructions to my other co-workers while glancing back and forth on the paper she was holding.
"Oh, you're here. Good. Can you please take the gentleman's order? We're almost done with the inventory, but there might be some anomalies. He might get impatient," Ms. Ava requested. All I could do was say 'yes.' I grabbed the order sheet and slowly took one step at a time, hoping he will just leave after a few minutes.
"G-good evening, Sir! May I take your order?" I stammered, trying to smile like the friendly employee I am.
"One Iced Americano," he coldly said. His tone made me raise an eyebrow. What's with the cold shoulder?
"Is there anything else?" I asked.
"No," he said, putting down the menu. He then gets his phone to check something on it.
I really don't understand him. One day, he's sweet and gentle. The next, he's annoying as fuck. And now? He's giving me a cold treatment? What the hell? Is he playing games with me?
"If that's all. One iced americano coming up," I cheerfully said. I don't know why I'm acting stupid in front of him. I hurriedly grabbed the menu and turned around, but he grabbed me by the wrist - again. He really likes grabbing wrists, huh?
"Luna, can we talk?" he asked. I turned to look at him and saw that he is as confused as I am and uneasy. I only nodded and turned back around to get his order.
I went to the counter and prepared his Iced Americano. What does he want to talk about? Would it be about what happened between us? What would I even say about it?
I didn't even notice that the coffee was already spilling over the cup, not until Ms. Ava called my attention. I snapped out from my thoughts and asked for apologies for my clumsiness. I looked over my shoulder, and Nate was looking at me with concern. I finished his order and brought it to him.
I sat in front of him without saying anything. I moved the cup over him, and he took hold of it, causing our hands to brush one another. I pulled away from my hand, but he took it and held it. For so long, I wanted to be someone who will take care of me and be concerned about my well-being. Yet, now that I feel someone might really do feel that way for me, I feel like I don't deserve it after everything I've done. So, I pulled my hand back again and rested it on my lap.
"What do you want to talk about?" I said, finally breaking off the silence.
He took a sip on the cup before answering, "I--Well… The documentary report."
I totally forgot about the documentary report! Shit. Wait, did he read the group chat about me not having a partner for it?
"What about it?" I asked, trying to pose as if I don't have a problem anymore, but he didn't buy it.
"Let's do it together," he said.
Stunned by his answer, I wasn't able to say anything to counter it. Now, I'm in a cab on the way to his apartment. We are clearly sitting far apart, hoping that the distance is enough to lessen the desire to touch one another.
I looked to the window, trying to get a glimpse of him in the reflection. He looks confused and uneasy. The playful Nate and his threats were no longer there. It seems like he's just an innocent boy, nervous about confessing his feelings to another. I shook my head with the last thought. What am I thinking? He obviously came by the cafe for the report. But what about him holding my hand? Argh! Stop! 'Stop overthinking Luna,' I whispered to myself.
"We're here," he said, bringing me back to the reality that I will be staying over at his house for tonight to finish the homework. What could possibly go wrong tonight, right?
We took the elevator together, and the silence was deafening. I need to think about a topic we can talk about. I need to break this awkward atmosphere between us because it's really suffocating.
"Nate, about the report--"
"Let's just stop--"
We both talked in unison that we didn't really understand what the other was trying to say. I insisted Nate go first.
"Well, I said. Let's just stop," he said, scratching his head as if he seems to regret the next words he is about to tell.
"Stop? What do you mean by stop? Have we even started something?" I asked with a confused look. I could feel my heart racing in my chest. I feel hot and uneasy all of a sudden. I want to get out of this elevator.
"What I mean is that, let's stop acting so awkward to one another and just start over again. Can we? Can we start over again? As friends?" He asked. He was staring deep into my eyes with sincerity, and it felt like I can't hide anything from him. Yet, his voice sounded like he was pleading for another chance. But somehow, his last word gave me a sharp pain across my heart.
"Of course. I mean, yeah… We can be friends," I said, looking at the screen of the elevator and watching the numbers increase as we go another floor up. I turned my head and smiled to show him that all is well, but why does it feel like my stomach's churning.
When the elevator opened for our floor, we walked towards his apartment. I realized that I don't know much about Nate. If I remember it correctly from before, there weren't pictures of him when he was a kid or with his family. Yet, it seems like his family is wealthy. Maybe he is the son of some big company, and he has bad blood with them, so he lives alone with his aunt? But that doesn't explain the fact that he is a transferee with a scholarship.
It's already late. Can we really still finish the homework in this apartment when there are just the two of us? Nate turned on the lights when we entered the apartment, illuminating the room with a calming ambiance. I breathed in and remembered the scent and the memory it brings with it. Flashbacks of how we wrecked his room came to mind but immediately stopped when Nate spoke.
"You can put your things by the couch. You can take my laptop from the room, and I'll get us something to eat," he said, walking to the kitchen.
"You won't change?" I asked and realized at the same time that my question is a bit absurd. Why would I care if he changes or not? I sound like I am on to something.
"I will after I'm done preparing here," he said, smiling at me.
I followed his instructions to get the laptop from his room. As I entered, it was still the same. No pictures. Nothing that would connect to his past. He is one mysterious guy.
I took the laptop from his bedside table when I saw a camera by the bed. I put the computer aside and took the camera instead. I browse through images that were taken from it. I can't deny it, but he has an eye for photography. His pictures somehow speak untold stories. Yet, what got my attention was my own portraits. It was beautifully shot. It was when I was taking the afternoon rest last weekend. I would have felt insulted if it was another guy, but surprisingly not him.
I took the cam and the laptop with me and went back to the living room. I settled the computer by the table at the dining area, where Nate is just a few steps away.
"So, your hobby is reading books and taking pictures?" I said while acting to skim through the images I have obviously seen already. I wanted to tease him and see his reaction. He turned his back and was surprised to see me holding the camera. He tried to grab it from me, but I stood up immediately and moved away, holding the camera.
"Give it," he said, trying to reach the camera.
"You know I could file a case against you. I don't remember giving you permission to take photos of me," I said, still teasing him and pushing him away from me.
I kept on taking a step back, trying my best for him not to take hold of the camera, yet I stumbled and fell on the couch. Nate stumbled, too, resulting in him on top of me. My hand was still holding the camera, and Nate had a hold of it, but our faces were so close to each other. No one was trying to move. Our eyes locked. My heart is beating fast. I could hear it go up and down. His leg between my thighs is enough to make me lose my composure.
"Luna," he called out my name, his eyes staring at me and my lips.
"Nate, I--I think… We shouldn't," I stammered. Lost for words, I didn't know what to say. My mind is telling me to stop, but the desire is too strong for me to counter.
I leaned my face closer, hesitating to kiss him or not. He caressed my face with his hand. Oh, how I miss him touching me! But, I pushed him with all my might causing him to fall down.
"I'm sorry! Are you hurt?" I asked when I realized how loud the thump was.
"I'm fine," he said chuckling. When I heard him laugh, I laughed too. I don't know why we were laughing, but it was a good laugh.
While eating some noodles and nachos, we were about to finish our documentary report. Nate is smart, like really smart. I was even surprised by how smart he is. He even taught me things I didn't know before, like using keywords to search on the internet for better results of related articles that I want to get.
At first, I thought we will not be able to finish this report, but thanks to Nate, all is well.
"Well, we did a pretty good job," I said, content with the output of our collaborative efforts.
"We?" he raised a brow while looking at me.
"Yeah, WE," I said, emphasizing the last word. He chuckled, and I hit him on the shoulder for teasing me.
"Okay! Okay. I'm just teasing you. I know you tried your best to finish the report even if it's 90% of my hard work," he said. That's it! He just crossed the line. I threw the pillow at him, and we started bickering.
We both stopped when we realized our position. I was on top of him, gripping his hair playfully and his hand on my hips. We froze, and then I gathered my composure and sat quietly beside him.
"I think I should go. It's already midnight, and we still have classes tomorrow," I said, gathering my things and putting them into my bag. "Thank you for helping out. You're really a lifesaver," I continued. He held me by the shoulder, and I looked over him.
"Stay for the night. It would be dangerous for you to go home late. I'll sleep on the couch. You take my room," he said. I was to protest, but he shook his head, telling me that it will be a waste of effort if I insist on going home.
"Fine. If that's what you want," I said.
I stood up and bid him a good night. I walked to his room, then glanced at him one last time before going in. He caught me staring at him. For a few seconds, we only looked at one another, but then he spoke.
"Take a shirt and boxer in my drawer. You could also take a shower if you want before hitting the sack," he said. I nodded as a response and went inside the room.
I turned on the shower. I let the water run while closing my eyes. I tried to understand what I am feeling. It's been a while since I felt something like this. I am happy, but in a way that I couldn't explain. Yet, at the same time, I feel guilty for being happy. Should I be happy knowing that someone out there is not okay because of me? Because of a mistake made in the past? I curled down and ducked my head. I tried to suppress it, but the feelings are overwhelming me. My thoughts are running back and forth. I feel like I'm drowning from every little thing. I cried, but a silent one. I didn't want Nate to hear me. I don't want him to see me so vulnerable and fragile like this.