"Lucy~"
"Hey, what's up?"
"Remember, you said to find you a psychologist or psychiatrist? Right after that, I called your last psychiatrist if she can handle it, but she suggested another psychiatrist because she's on a break. I just got a phone call from her, and she's free today. Should we go for it, now?" Vaness told me on the other line.
"My schedule for today is finished, so I could go... I guess." I said.
"Roger that, let's meet at the mall near your company building."
"Okay. Bye."
"Bye!"
—
Weeks passed already after that incident. I asked Vaness to find someone who can explain what's happening to me, but I feel like this is beyond explanation that's why I hesitated. Many fans bombarded me with messages trying to ask if I'm alright. I gave a public apology to everyone for ruining the interview.
My situation got worse to be honest. Every other day, that Illia is trying her best to take my consciousness. I always feel like vomiting, and my head aches. Sometimes, it's too hot or it's too cold. I feel like I'm going out of my body. At first I hesitated to seek for a medical help, but I decided to go after all. I am afraid that she'll take over my body again, because she might hurt anyone around me. Especially those people who were important to me.
I removed all my make up, put a facemask and ball cap to hide my identity to public. Facemask really suffocates me, but having a stampede outside might kill me more so this is better. I don't have a car yet, and the mall is just few meters away from the building so I'll walk.
I waited until the stoplight turns red. I was holding my phone while crossing the road, so I put it at my sling bag when a man passed through me and whispered something. I don't know why I froze in the middle of the road. I feel pain and sadness. I wanted to run and talk to him even though I didn't saw his face. 'What is this feeling?', I asked myself. It's full of sadness, I suddenly cried, I am crying and I don't know why. I didn't notice that I'm still in the middle of the road. I jumped out when I heard lots of vehicles already beeping their horns, I say sorry and ran through the other side. I looked back hoping to see him but he's gone. Who is he?
--
"Lucy? Lucy? Lucy!" Vaness shouted at me, "Girl, are you okay?" she asked.
"Oh, yes, sorry." I said and fix my food.
"You invited me to eat first before going, but you haven't eaten anything yet. Why are you spacing out? What's the problem?"
"It's nothing. I pushed myself too hard while shooting my scene, maybe that's why." I lied again for the nth time.
"I told you not to push too hard, right? Are you hurt?" Vaness ordered a refreshing drink and gave it to me.
I sip some of the drink, "I'm not. Just a little tired." I said.
"Finish your food so we can go to the psychiatrist now, and go home for you to rest." she said.
"Alright, alright."
After eating our lunch, we decided to go to the address that the doctor gave. It was a place I've never been before.
"Where is this place?" I asked.
"I don't know. This is where the GPS takes us. I'm just following it." Vaness drove faster, "Oh, this is it. The hospital she's saying." she said and park the car.
I thought it's a mental hospital but it is not. It's just a medical hospital. "She's working here?" I asked.
"Nope. Her family owns this place. She's just here for today to help with documents." Vaness explained.
"I see."
We went to where the psychiatrist is, and talked to her. I told her my background. Even though I don't want to bring up my past, I had to.
"I don't remember who were my parents. All I remember was they sold me to someone I don't know. He abused me, hurt me, and... rape... me almost everyday." I can't hold my tears while telling her my story. This is what I don't like, bringing up the past that I want to bury.
"He took advantage of my weakness. I was w-weak back then. I shouted, I screamed. No one heard me. Until one day, there were people going inside his house. He was arrested. I was broken back then, he raped me when I was just 5 years old. I got out of his house when I was 12." I hugged my knees, I can remember everything. I can remember how miserable I am. I always hide my past by smiling and having fighting scenes behind the camera, but in real life I am weak. I'm so weak.
I felt Vaness' hand caressing my back. I didn't realize I was already sobbing. I can't continue my story, that's why Vaness continued to tell her what happened next.
"My mom saw her at the orphanage. She was always alone, and she don't want to talk to people. We decided to adopt her so I can have a sister and a friend as well. After that, she learned lots of martial arts and went to school. She had a hard time. Everytime it's getting dark, she was screaming and afraid. I always hugged her whenever she does that. We decided to give her medication. She was traumatized, but after few years she surpassed it." Vaness said.
Yes, I did. It hurts me everytime I remember it, but now I won't let it haunts me back. I was weak, but people change. I guess.
"I am sorry to bring it up, I just really need to know what was happening to you Ms. Lucy." the doctor said.
"It's alright. I know this might happen." I wiped my tears away and faced her, "I know I had a dark past, but I feel like I overcame it already." I said.
She smiled at me, it was so comfortable. "So, what was happening to you lately? Is your trauma coming back?" she asked.
"No. It is just that... I also don't know as well." I looked at Vaness.
"What do you mean by that?" the doctor asked.
Vaness speak on behalf of me. "After we adopt her, she was doing a homeschool to cope up with the studies at her age. I asked my mother to gave her the attention so we can go to school together someday. Nothing happened back then aside from curing her trauma, until we're in senior highschool." She paused for a while to get a chair and sit, "We were doing some activity when she suddenly fainted. After waking up, she was asking us weird things and telling her that her name is not Lucy. She said there is a kingdom, I just don't remember what is the name of it. Then told us that her friend vanished, and she was looking for him." she said.
"Then?" the doctor asked.
"Then after that, she nagged us. After few minutes she fainted again. She became Lucy again, and asked us like nothing happened." she said.
"Yes. After that, it didn't happen again until graduation. We went to college as well, and it didn't happened to me. That was the first time, not until few months ago." I added.
The doctor looked at me, "It happened again, isn't it?"
"Yes. There was a time that I don't remember what happened in a whole day. I woke up in a hotel, my hair became black, my friend told me I talked to her like I don't know her. Then a hotel staff who witnessed me that night I checked up on the hotel said that I fainted and he brought me inside my unit." I paused for a while, "Then it happened again this past few weeks." I said.
"Tell me what happened as well." she said.
I let Vaness told her since she knew it better than me. "All of us were watching her interview when she suddenly stood up and fainted. We went to the hospital near the venue right away as instructed by her manager. When she woke up, she started blabbing that her name is not Lucy, but Illia. Her facial expression changed, the way she speak is not the Lucy we knew as well. Her gestures changed, and she's saying words that we can't understand. She then started to talk about where she came from, but after that she fainted again. When she woke up the other day, she was normal again." Vaness explained.
"It doesn't occur again, after that?" the doctor asked us.
"Yes. But sometimes, it seems like there's something that's trying to take over my body. There are times that I'm having head aches, or I feel too much heat or too much cold. Sometimes I just can't explain what I feel." I explained.
"Well." she looked at us like she got an answer and look at me, "To be honest, this is the first time that I had a patient like you." she said.
I frowned. It means she doesn't knew why it was happening to me?
"Don't frown. It's my first time, yes, but it doesn't mean that I don't get the gist of what was happening. It only happened three times, but it might be happening when you're alone. Nonetheless, it's too early yet to give you a final answer," she stood up and get something from her drawer, "Based on your story," she looked at me, "you might have a mental disorder called Dissocial Identity Disorder. But I can't really say for sure. This identity you were saying appears to be only one identity, her name is Illia. But Dissocial Identity Disorder or DID usually have 3 personalities or more." she said.
"What does it mean? Can you explain to us more what is DID?" I asked. It's kinda confusing.
"DID is a mental disturbance. The main cause of it was early childhood trauma, mostly severe traumas just when a child was about to build their own identity. It would led someone or an individual to dissociate or disconnect with the outer world. It happened when you faint, you don't remember anything because another identity hold your body. The identity seems to possess you." she explained.
I blinked multiple times. "You say you're not sure, right? I thought you're expert to this? Aside from that, my trauma was gone now. Why is it still happening? How can I be sure that I have DID? " I asked.
"About overcoming your trauma, it might be possible. But the identity was built and you haven't noticed it for a period of time. There is a chance that a fragment of your personality or consciousness is not yet healed, thus you haven't totally overcame it. It is still unsure because there are certain things that I want to observe first. In most cases, there are "trigger" for them to come out. I also want to talk to this identity Illia, and if she comes out," the doctor looked at Vaness, "let her physiological needs checked. Come at the nearest hospital as soon as possible, I will list it for you to remember." she started writing on a paper, it looks like a prescription. "I will let the doctor here checked her normal heart rate, breathing, temperature and allergies. I would also suggest you to have a CT scan for brain patterns." she gave the paper to us, "When the other identity came out. Do all of these as well." she explained.
I can't say anything. I don't know what to say or what to believe. I guess I have to stick with this for now.
"Thank you very much." Vaness said and we went out of the room for my check-ups.