some nights when I just want to turn the music all the way up, the lights all the way off and phone on silent... thoughs are my rough nights, the long restless nights... The I'm up all night unable to sleep or not willing to try... Some nights are bad, more bad then what I'm used to, but in the end, I fix myself before school and walk in with my head held high... This is not what I feel... no sleep will make you crazy... but the worst part is falling apart at night and not having a way to make what's wrong better... I blame not having my andrew as a reason I fall apart so often... but truth is... I'm just lost, I'm waiting for answers that no one can give me and answers that leave me with more questions... but the person who can give me my answers is no where to be found... and no one is willing to find them for me... they all say "he's no good for you" "he's out to get you undressed" "he's grooming you" ..... I don't care, I need answers... Maybe then I'd stop screaming at 12 am... Maybe then I'd be able to heal... Three years is a long time to be breaking, unable to get help all because of some questions... I'm tired of crying and I'm tired of my body and how it responds to my tears... stop trying to make me pass out! I want to cry... I want to scream... because it means I still remember... I'm forgetting slowly... my love, I can barely hold onto the image of your face... please come and save me, my love... I'm waiting... Still waiting... Always... Please come find me, save me, protect me, hold me, heal me, comfort me... Or tell me to stop waiting... I will wait forever but if you tell me to let go... I will, I'll let go, I'll let myself fall and hit the ground... but please choose soon... I can't die from a broken heart. please dear husband, dear lover, dear protector... Stop this pain, save me or let me go.
"I know, just, sometimes I see you slipping away but I guess I've always been prepared to lose you. I've known whose the most important to you the entire time. . ."
Yeah... A person who I will never be able to have... A person who will never be there to hold me... Fix me... Protect me... And yet... I'm still waiting...
I'm hurting myself, I know, if I just forgot the pain would stop... but forgetting hurts worse then being able to remember all the details... Forgetting just means I'm trying to fill in empty spaces with made up details... Forgetting only hurts more because it means that my mind is trying to help me or my memory loss is just a response to this trauma...