"Ugh..." My head was pounding from the brightness of the sun, peering through my bedroom window...
Wait.
I rolled onto my stomach and felt the cold prickles of grass poking my bare skin. I wasn't where I thought I was, not inside the comfort of my own bed at least. Blinking a couple of times to adjust my vision, I sat up and took in the unfamiliar surroundings. I was outside in a field, a grey plaid blanket bunched up a little ways from where I woke up, and my back hurt as much as my headache. I was with Kankri, we were talking and had a few drinks, which explains my pounding head right now. One of my hands reached up to rub the base of my forehead, then last night's events clicked as my eyes widen and my whole body froze.
A memory bubbled up and took over my unclear thoughts, which forced up a violent blush on my drowsy features. Kankri and I had slept together last night and that wasn't even the most surprising aspect of it all; he was nowhere to be found. I could take a gamble that he left to get home to his douche of a father, but why didn't he wake me up so I could take him home? The truck was still here, so Kankri obviously didn't steal it... Did he walk all the way there?
'His sweaty body tensed as his hands clenched at the plaid cloth beneath us. Every sound that came out of that lovely mouth only drove me more to reach every part of his small body. I couldn't get enough of him, watching him below me, cowering and quivering at every move I made.'
I violently shook the un-pure memory out of my head for now. Even the bare thought of last night's quarrel had given me a raging hard on. Thankfully enough, there was no sign of anyone around, not even the star of my pleasantly dirty thoughts... It made me uncertain about a lot of things, confused, frustrated, and even a little agitated that the other male wasn't here. Why though? Kankri did nothing wrong and he certainly has every right to leave when he wants. I mean... We're not an item or anything, so why would it matter?
With a sigh, I stood up and stretched out my back, trying to ease the stiffness from sleeping on the lumpy ground. I started gathered my scattered belongings, piece by piece slipping the clothing on then retrieving my phone from my now grass stained dress pants. As I checked the time, I cursed to myself knowing that it was going on noon and my father is probably wondering why his truck was missing.
I'm mentally starting to prepare myself for the fight in confronting him as I started down the hill towards the blue rust bucket patiently awaiting my demise. While looking down at my phone, I hesitated in sending a text to my last night fling. Should I even call that a fling? Would it be a good idea to bother him? Obviously I wasn't used to being on this side of a one night stand nor actually being stood up for once. This was foreign territory for me, and now I'm getting a hard taste to what this feels like.
You: Hey Kanny, just checking up on-
No, that sounds a bit weird sending that to a person I just had sex with. Delete.
You: Where did you go??
Ugh, no. Too desperate. Delete.
You: Hey Kan! What's up?
... Okay, good enough. I settled on the short and sweet greeting to get the conversation started. Hopefully Kankri will respond soon to calm my nerves a bit. I didn't plan on him jumping me last night, I didn't plan on actually going through with everything, but I let it happen. Now? Now I might lose a good friend from all of these complicated feelings drifting through my head. I was never attracted to any other guys until he came along. These type of things were confusing. I enjoyed it, hell, it was the most exciting thing I've ever experienced. In the same aspect what would everyone think of the star athlete jumping out of a closet he barely even understands himself?
My cellphone started to ring as I entered the truck and ignited the engine. One hand placed a firm grip on the steering wheel as the other held up the device to my ear as I answered it.
"Hello?" I groggily answered, my hangover was killer. Why was I such a lightweight when my father could drink gallons without it affecting him much?
'Cronus! Thank the fucking heavens you answered. Where were you last night dude? I've been trying to get ahold of you all morning!' It was Mituna's voice coming through the device as he sighed in what it seems to be relief.
"WVhoa okay, slowv down a bit. I just got up." I groaned as I flipped down the sun visor to try and help block those annoying burning rays.
Another sigh, though more annoyed, was heard from the other end before he responded, 'Just get your ass over here, you don't wanna go home right now. Give you dad some time to calm down.'
My eyebrow raised in question, "You talked to pops?"
'Duh, like I just said, I didn't know where you disappeared to. Calling your dad was my last resort and boy did he sound pissed.'
"Great." I muttered into the phone towards no one in particular, "Alright. I'll be there shortly."
●◉◎◈◎◉●
"-and then the dude face planted into the wall. I'm telling you, this was the best one yet." Mituna finished yet another wild story from last night's party that I missed out on. Though I don't really regret spending that time away, I do feel a bit left out of the conversation. My mind started to wonder about other things, tuning out the talking individual and replaying yet another moment from last night.
'Tell me if I take this too far." The curly haired boy whispered into my ear, currently leaning down on top of me. His hot breath was now on my neck as both of his hands were lightly tracing the shapes of my bare chest. We were both exploring each other's bodies, timid touches, small bits of laughter, and long passionate kisses. Every time our lips met, the more farther I took it. I couldn't help myself, as if Kankri was the drug I needed to satisfy my lustful desires. My hands greedily roamed his small frame. His skin felt so smooth, his lips so soft, and the moans that slipped out of his sweet mouth could drive me insane.
"Earth to Cronus!" A slap to the back of my head jolted me back into the yellow and black room of my best friend. "What is going on with you today? You've been zoning out ever since you got here."
The complicated matter of hand here, I've always been able to tell Mituna secrets. He's pretty well versed at keeping his mouth shut and when it's nessesary to make inside jokes about things, but this... Secret affair. Last night is a whole other ball game and I'm not too sure how he will react. I'm scared to say the least, scared of my friends reaction, scared of everyone finding out that I slept with a dude, terrified of whatever my father would do to me if he knew. There was a lot of caution needed to deal with this situation. Even a simple trip up could cause a waterfall of negative consequences. Why couldn't I have just pushed Kankri away...?
"I-..." With a sigh, I began pondering the fate of everything at stake here. Should I risk lying to the only individual I trust? Or should I stop being a pussy and man up? With that being taken into consideration, I took a deep breath and decided to be less descriptive and more cryptic. "I slept wvith someone last night."
I watched as Mituna raised an eyebrow, "So that's why you ditched us last night. To get some ass? Really Cro?"
"Don't say it like it wvas nothin'! It... It wvasn't like that, more so... Unplanned than anythin'." I muttered the last part, in hopes this conversation would end already. For the sake of my dignity and for all that is holy from the sinful thoughts bubbling up into my dirty mind.
"Usually those things aren't planned anyways." He gave a nonchalant shrug as he leaned against the wall on the bed we were currently occupying. "You're acting very strange Cronus... It wasn't Meenah, was it? Because we talked about this already and you promised not to fuck with crazy again."
"Fuck no!" I exclaimed, scrunching my face up in disgust at the very thought of messing around with her. Unfortunately, I can't change the past with that one.
"Then who was it?" Mituna pressed for an answer as I struggled to even find the right words to tell him. It's not every day I have to confess a royally life altering thing with him. As if he took the hint, the burnett waved a hand in front of him before leaning over the bed, reaching for a plain tin box. "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to, it's cool."
Watching my friend open and pull out the contents of the metal container and a lighter to go with it. I took a shaky breath inwards and blurted out the one thing that could change my life forever. "It wvas a guy."
He paused all movements before slowly lowering the joint he was about to light. "Are you serious or is this just one of your pranks, because you sound very serious."
"I am serious! I slept wvith a guy last night and now he's not answvering my texts! I fucked up, I shouldn't havwe done that because now I'm going to lose someone I was becoming fairly close to!" I was practically yelling at my friend, though having this secret all to myself was too overwhelming for me to handle. Even if it was for only a few hours. "I-... I don't knowv wvhat to do!"
Mituna slowly nodded his head, "Okay... First off, calm down and recollect yourself man. Second, did you try calling him instead?"
That response caught me off guard. He wasn't even bothered by the fact that I slept with a guy? "Is that all you have to say? I fucked a guy Mituna and I don't knowv wvhy I enjoyed it so much, I'm so confused..." I spoke lowly as both of my hands combed through my messy hardened hair.
"Here, you need this more than I do." He passed a now lit joint over as I took it without hesitation. I placed the rolled stick between my lips and inhaled the drug slowly before letting the smoke out through my nose. One of his hands patted me on the shoulder before he spoke again. "Look, I've swung both ways before meeting my girlfriend. Frankly, I really don't give a shit if you're gay or attracted to a fucking attack helicopter. You're still Cronus to me, no matter what you fuck... Scratch that, except for animals and children."
Rolling my eyes, I took another long hit before passing it to Mituna. "I'm serious dude... I don't knowv wvhat to think about evwerything that happened last night. It wvas so quick, I didn't evwen think about the later consequences."
"Well, lemme ask you this-" The other male paused and took a few puffs himself before continuing. "Do you like him?"
"Mituna-"
"This is a serious question." He plainly stated, and by the look in his eyes he wasn't kidding.
I shrugged a bit and glanced down at my crossed legs. This was mildly uncomfortable to talk about out loud, especially to someone I've known almost all of my life. "I mean, yeah... A lot actually. Out of all the gals I'vwe had experienced, he's a totally different sensation. It's like... He triggered somethin' I wvould havwe nevwer guessed to be inside of me."
"Then call him and see what's going on. If he doesn't answer within a certain time frame, then the feelings were not as mutual as you think. Basically, you were his one night stand."
"Oh." Was all that I could say at that moment. I never would have thought that he would just use and dump me aside, but then again I barely even knew Kankri to begin with. As inexperienced as I was last night, I'm fairly certain that wasn't his first rodeo given he was the one coaching. But would he? This shouldn't matter to me, I've personally ghosted girls right after without a single thought. Yet, being on the other side, I can't help but to feel indifferent.
Hesitantly, I decided enough was enough. I need some clarity and the only way to get that is to call. I reached into my back pocket to retrieve the device, pulling up Kankri's contact. My finger hovered over the dial icon as Mituna scooted himself closer to my side, leaning in with a questionable glance. "Well?"
With a deep breath, I tapped the phone once and lifted it up to my ear. Each ring charged my nerves as my mind raced to even know what to say if he picked up. Though, as the ringer turned into a robotic voicemail, I got a bit more discouraged and tossed the phone onto my friend's bed. "He didn't answver." I spoke in a monotone voice as my head rested against the wall.
"The infamous lady killer, Cronus Ampora, getting stood up by a dude!" The burnett shoved my shoulder playfully, though I wasn't really in the mood anymore. I took the blunt back from Mituna and placed it between my lips again. "Awe, c'mon Cro. I doubt you were that bad of a top, or bottom boy... Who busted a nut inside you anyways?"
"Don't you fuckin' start wvith this bullshit Tuna, an' that's none of your business for me to answver." I coughed a bit, the smoke coming from both my nose and mouth. "Shit, this is good."
He gave a laugh, "Probably not as good of a pounding your ass got last night."
"I'm wvarnin' you." My head shot up as I glared at the laughing individual.
"I'm sorry- I'm sorry! I just can't stop imagining you being a butt boy-" Before he could finish the sentence, I slapped him in the back of the head. "Ouch! Hey, be nice Cro, or I'll tell your boy toy."
"You don't evwen knowv wvho he-" I stopped myself before I told him any valid information on my secret fling. There was no point in continuing an argument with a smartass cracking gay jokes left and right. I decided to excuse myself off of Mituna's bed and head towards the door. "You knowv wvhat? It's 'bout time I head off home anywvays."
"Dude, I'm just joking around! Don't take it to heart, sheesh." Mituna got up as well, but stopped at his bedroom door frame as I walked out down the hall without another word.
I needed to calm down before I said anything I could regret later, so excusing myself was the best option. I'm getting so defensive when it has to deal with Kankri, yet I don't even know where he stands throughout all of the chaos in my head. If only he would have picked up the phone or hell, even send a simple text back saying there's no shame in what we did. I'll even take a fucking selfie at this point, nude or clothed.
What was more important on the agenda, was heading home. That was the easy part, entering on the other hand was an all new territory. I knew what to expect going in and with Mituna firing me up already, getting pissed off with my dad will be a piece of cake. As I entered the truck after saying some goodbye's to my friend's folks, I started down the neatly paved road. It was only a couple of houses down the road, so it didn't take much time to get there and feel the pit of my stomach churn with the unrelenting possibilities of punishment awaiting. I sat there in the drive way, mustering up the courage to open the door and exit the vehicle. I stepped out and headed towards the door, the keys jingling in my sweaty palms. If I could just make it to my room without confrontation, it would make this day more easier.
The door creaked opened as I haphazardly looked around the living room. There he was, leaning on the kitchen entrance frame with his brows knitted together as his icy blue eyes stared me down. I returned the glare before trying to make my way to the bedroom without acknowledgement of his presence.
"Ah-ah-ah... Get yer ass back over here boy." His voice cut through the silence like a knife as I stopped in my tracks, not facing my dad in fear of losing my cool. I felt a hard grip on my shoulder before the older male yanked and spun me around. "Look at me when yer spoken to."
I kept my eyes trained down on the floor, hardening my expression into a scowl. "WVhat do you wvant."
"What do I want?" He gave a nonchalant laugh before crossing his arms in front of his chest. "I wanna know where my truck sped off to an' where the fuck have you been."
"I didn't wvreck it or anythin'..." I muttered lowly, but that wasn't the response my dad was looking for. I then felt his hands grab at the base of my collar, pulling me forward into his face.
"Is... Is that a hickey on yer neck son? Ya stole my car just to fuck a whore huh. I hope she was worth it, cause you're grounded from seein' anyone beyond me." I opened my mouth to say something in protest, but he shoved me backwards as I hit the back of the couch. "I ain't raisin' no fuck boy in this damn house!"
"Oh, I'm sorry." My face flushed with anger as I approached him, almost nose to nose in his face before clamouring, "Ya finally decided to be a father, huh?! Go fuck yourself!"
"You little bastar-"
"Stop!"
The both of us turned our heads to see the smallest Ampora of the house almost to the brink of tears. His fists were clenched to his side as he glowered, more at me in particular. "Stop it! Both of you! All you guys do is fight and I'm fuckin' sick of it!" His voice cried out within the silence that struck the tense air around us. "I hate this house!"
Almost immediately, I backed down from my father's face and stood in the raw and intense emotion lingering in the room. With my heart pounding from the adrenaline of almost breaking out my fists, I took a few deep breaths before speaking in a haphazard tone. "Eridan..."
A hand instinctively reached out to comfort the now silently crying boy, but he stepped back quickly before snapping, "Don't touch me!" He spun on his heals and before I could even get another word out, he was already down the hall.
"Great." I spoke aloud as both of my hands run through the lose strands of hair falling onto my face. My vision focused on a grass stain on my white dress pants. I was angry, no, exasperated at my parent and the fact that I'm slowly driving Eridan away with every decision I make. I didn't mean to let him see me like that, in a verbally violent war with pops, again. He has to be in the middle of this shit, hearing us bicker and fight almost over the most irrelevant things. He deserves to be angry, but so do I.
Without another word to the older male, I head towards my bedroom for the rest of the night. As soon as I closed my door, I screamed, letting all of my frustration out in one loud outburst. I flopped onto my bed, landing on my stomach as I rolled over to face the ceiling. Reaching up to my neck, I loosened the tie just enough to slip it over my head. I then tossed it across the room as it hit the closet door with a soft thud.
My thoughts were busy with questions, frustrations, and sadness. It was an eventful few hours, but even though I barely did anything today, I was exhausted. Mentally and physically exhausted as I lay here and recollect little fuzzy memories of last night in hopes to cheer me up. I smiled a bit and decided to check my phone again for a message from the curly haired boy I so desperately needed in my life right now. Though, to my disappointment, he hasn't sent one thing back. I sigh aloud and close my eyes as I placed the phone down beside me. For the time being, I might as well sleep off this hangover.
______
I was afraid at that time for a long list of reasons, more so selfish than anything else, but it never stopped me from persuading myself that this was normal. And it was, for the most part. A young teenager discovering himself rather than keeping it tucked inside. It was just more simpler to think that I was that bland type of normal everyone expected me to be. I was always respected as a charming lad, an athlete, the friendly and sociable one in my friend group. It took me years to build up my reputation, aiming higher than my old man ever said I would.
It got exhausting, but I loved the attention, the spotlight, the acceptance into a family that I didn't have. I see it all now, why I did the things I've done, no matter how hard it is to admit to them. It all boiled down to selfishness, one of the many traits I learned from my father.
Little did I know, I used Kankri as much as he used me that night. Through the purpose and desire to feel loved, even if it's short lived. His presence, his smile, his laughter, every part of him I desired even more than the first time I saw him. That's what lust does to a person, drives them mad to the point of just thinking about one specific thing. It's a sin, a lovely pleasure yet corrupts the sinners mind completely.
I guess what I'm trying to get at, is that love and selfishness don't mix. They poison each other.
- C.A.