As soon as I left the hospital, my lips started shaking in low sobs, tears coming up over my face. I found myself walking around the park, without having somewhere to go. My hands were so cold, and the clouds were coming up to me, almost like chasing me. The sky was as numb as me. The tears stopped and I just looked over my own hands, sitting over a bench. The thunder and lightning crashed over the naked floor, making everything noisy. Plastic and metal were shaking over the power of the rain, with me included. I couldn't care less about it, I was rainy too, again. The blue feeling was so perfect with all the tic tac of the raindrops. Violently, leaving big marks over my clothes and the petals of the dried flowers, who were falling around, getting away from the old branches.
The wind was roaring and I felt so frozen, like ice. There were looks all over me, like asking what I was doing from their places. And I didn't know it, but there was no way to express it. Completely soaked and iced, I left. All the glances were making me feel only more and more strange and my frown was getting more pucker.
My hair was a wet disaster, as my clothes and skin. I started shaking, again. My fragile skin was starting to get paler, my voice was disappearing over the wind. And it didn't have sense, but I couldn't stop on my own feet. I walked and walked around streets whose names I didn't know. They were empty, more like an abandoned town full of alleys. The raindrops were getting heavier and louder then, when everyone started to close some business. The thunder was loud even through my headphones, making me shiver with their roaring. But it was just me and the rain, while everyone was hiding under the store's sheds. The pain was stepping my cold fingers wildly, but it didn't matter. Nothing did, again everything was senseless in the deepest part of my soul. They left ,e behind again, and probably was it my fault. If I could just… not be me anymore. Be someone else, someone less chaotic, then I could get better words. It felt like in my weak body there were two shadows fighting and I couldn't stop their screams. Were awful screams, full of pain and anger. And fear.
I walked away, looking how the rain was gping lighter. My legs were tired and my head was full of awful screamings to myself. I just wanted to make it stop, but it was so hard to even know which part was me and which was the monster screaming. It wouldn't stop, I could not stop it. Walking was hard, with my knees crashing slowly with the other. I ended up taking an old train, feeling like I was melting, although the horrible weather. It was like melting over my own form and what I thought I was then. Any other face looked unrecognizable, and the bright sky hurted my eyes. I walked away from there almost running, when the car stopped in front of my new place.
(...)
Was an small room of green walls and a little bed, like it was a motel's room. The furniture was only compossed by a pedestal table with one of those coth closet's. There was no TV, there was only an empty and little fridge too. At least there were blankets and pillows. I changed my clothes and I leaned over the bed, falling asleep.
The days passed away, and there was no call to my phone. I wasted my time sleeping in the morning and ended up staring at the white ceiling at night. I didn't used to eat or talk, some days I couldn't move from the bed like I was suffering some horrible illness. My chest hurted, my head and back too. Sometimes it was hard to recognize myself, my cheekbones were more remarkable over the image the mirror showed. My eyes looked empty and my hair was falling down in heaps, I was scared of how less it was when I touched. And one day someone knocked on the door.
I couldn't open because I felt weaker than never. There was no strength in my muscles, there was no will on my words. Maybe they thought I was when I didn't say a single word, and a huge problem started. The next morning, for the first time I heard my phone ringing. I was surprised when I saw it was his number, but again I couldn't have the will or energy even move. It was like rotting over my own figure, who wasn't me anymore. Thousands of names that never bothered before on texting me were there, even tagging me on posts. And I couldn't stop thinking that if they would really cared about me, they would have texted before I disappeared. Over that night I fainted.
I barely heard screams, maybe hours or days before. The time got s-o s - l - o - w.
I woke up in the hospital bed, all alone. A probe was over my lips. Everything was so loud and lighty, in a strange feeling all over me and what I could ever be. My skin looked different again, my long hair did too. Even if they were strangers, they were patiently talking with me. The nurse and doctor always asked about many things, and even the old landlord sometimes visited me without caring if I was able to answer or not. I used to think he could be my grandfather, how much I would have liked if he were. He was so kind and cheerful. A completely different feeling, knowing finally someone was there to hear me. It was so hard to be a human again, to think, hear and feel. Was hard to eat, it was like having a new body. A forty pounds less body, with all my bones so markable, my tight hands and the way I could count my ribs.
They said that I had signs of a "painful" mental condition.
I met another doctor, a lady who made me talk about what I could remember and she had such a kind expression. She heard all I could say, and asked some things. I felt so blue, no familiar face who even called, nothing. I was by myself, and it was so confusing to deal with what I have done before. They carried me on the ambulance after I recovered physically, weeks later. I was on my way to institution.