After a few hours on the road, I wake up from a nap to find we still haven't arrived.
'Well, well, well. She's awake.' I reach for the coffee to find the cup completely empty. 'I had the last of it, we can stop off at the next services if you want?'
'No, it's okay, I don't want to delay the journey any longer.'
'Wasn't your fault, although if we had left an hour before...'
'I know.' I sigh. 'I didn't realize how long Shay and Sophie stayed for.'
'Always overstaying their welcome, nothing new there. I can't count the times I've come home from a shift to see them sleeping on my sofa. They're like teenagers.' From the moment Adam met Sophie, he hated her, and she hated him. I don't know what it was, but Sophie never believed he was good enough, or she was envious, as she saw and liked him first. They don't say anything to each other, however, they have plenty to say to me behind closed doors.
'I wish you two would just get on.'
'Maybe we will now since we're not seeing each other every single day.'
'Ah, the real reason for the move.' He chuckles, amused, not denying a thing.
'You know the reason, Robbie.'
'When do we get started?'
'Well, we still have some work to do on the house, so we should get that done first. If all goes to plan, maybe in a month or two.'
'Wow.' My heart races, I thought I had another year.
'Robbie.'
'I didn't think it would be that soon.'
'Robbie, we're not getting any younger.'
'I'm only 28.' I scoff. 'We can put it off for another year.'
'We've been trying for a baby for four years now, Robbie. I don't want to put it off anymore.'
'Let's just get a dog to practice on.'
'No!' He snaps. 'We're doing this whether you like it or not.'
'It's my body.'
'A fucking useless one at that.'
Useless.
Yeah, that's what every woman who's infertile wants to hear. Not words of encouragement, no reassurance, no, hearing we're useless is great.
I turn away from him, absolutely appalled that he can say those things to me without remorse. It's not the first time he said it. When we first found out, he... well, he wasn't happy, to say the least.
*Two years ago*
'You doing okay?' Adam asks as I shift on the bed for the 1000th time in the last minute. Pulling the robe up, then down, up, then down.
'I hate hospitals.'
'I know.' He rolls his eyes, crossing his arms over his chest. He finds my fear irrational, considering how I intended to be a nurse.
'Why did you make me come here?'
'Thomas was kind enough to see us straight away, why are you complaining?'
'I don't think we need to waste his time.' I stand up, pulling the robe down once again.
'Will you stop fidgeting with that thing, it's like being with a child.'
'Ironic, no?' We've been trying to have a baby for two years, but if I had my way, I'd wait for another 10. I'm not ready, but Adam is and always will be a family man, he thinks we're on the wrong side of 20 and can't afford to waste any more time. He knows as well as I do how complicated it can be.
'You're irritated, I get it, no one likes being poked and prodded. But we need to know if there's anything wrong.'
'How come it's just me who's going through it?'
'What are you talking about, Robbie?'
'Maybe I'm not the issue here, maybe it's you.'
'Don't be ridiculous.'
'Always blaming the women.' He goes to respond, but Thomas walks in. Thomas and Adam went to university together. They both were in the medical field, but Adam went into P-paediatrics, and Thomas is a gynaecologist.
'Adam, Robbie.' His tone is sombre, immediately Adam's face drops and he starts playing with his tie.
'It's bad news.' He stays quiet. 'Thomas you're a friend, so please speak to us as such.'
'Please, take a seat.' Taking my hand, Adam leads me to the bed and I sit down. Thomas comes over, reading a medical file. 'I wish I had better news, however, the chances of Robbie conceiving are very low. I'd say it's impossible for you to get pregnant without some kind of medical help.' Adam's hand tightens around mine.
'I don't understand.'
'Robbie, Adam told me you suffered from an eating disorder a few years back, is that correct?' I pull away from Adam's grip, he promised he'd never talk about that to anyone.
'I guess.' I look away from them both. I didn't have support back then, nor do I want it. 'I got it under control and I'm okay now.'
'I can see you're okay, but eating disorders can cause problems later in life, fertility issues being one of them.'
'So it is my fault.' My voice cracks as I try not to cry. 'I did this.'
'It's no one's fault.' Thomas reassures me.
'So what do we do?' Adam asks. 'Are there any options?'
'You have plenty of options.' He tells us. 'IVF is your best bet if you want to get pregnant.'
'Then that's what we'll do.'
'Adam, hold on, you can't just jump into it like that.'
'Hardly, we've been trying for years, we're ready for this.'
'You were ready to have a baby, however, this is something you both need to sit down and research. You need to be aware of the procedure and the risks. Besides, this is a very expensive treatment, we're talking thousands of pounds.' I wasn't mentally ready to hear this, but I knew Adam would do anything for a family, even if it means us going bankrupt. 'I highly suggest you two really think about this. Start saving, start considering your other options, but don't jump into this, you need time, and luckily you two are young enough to have that luxury.' I'm not sure that's how Adam sees it.' Do you have any questions?'
'No, Thomas. Thank you.' Adam jumps in before I can say anything.
'I know it's hard to hear this news, but it's not a no, it's just a not now.'
'Is that all, can we go?' I struggle to get my words out, I just need to get home, get into bed, and stay there for a few days.
'Yes, of course, you can go.' I get up quickly and grab my clothes, I rush to the bathroom, locking myself in. I never wanted to believe anything else could go wrong, that I could have any more bad things happen. Just give me a break. Please. It's times like this I wish Mum was around, she'd know exactly what to say to make me feel better, she would know exactly what to do. It's been years since she passed, and still, my heart aches. A loud knock snaps me out of my thoughts.
'W-who...' I take a deep breath. 'Who's there?'
'It's me, idiot.' Adam snaps. 'Are you ready?' I quickly throw my underwear and dress on.
'Yes.' I unlock the door and Adam opens it before I can get to the handle. Adam stands there with a scowl on his face, and his hands lay by his side in fists.
'Let's go.' He storms out with me trailing behind him. He stayed quiet for the entire ride home; his teeth clenched so hard he made his mouth bleed.
As soon as he pulled up outside the house, I get out quickly and run inside. I go to the bedroom shutting the door behind me. I've been here many times before, every time the fear intensifies, and his anger grows more and more every time I find myself behind this door. There once was a lock, if I was lucky enough to get here before Adam caught me I'd lock myself in. No matter how much rage he had, he had time to calm down, he could be talked to, he could be reasoned with. Until he kicked down the door, breaking the lock clean off. Ironically the only thing keeping be safe, was the one thing used against me that day. After that, I never dared put a lock on the door again.
I hear the door slam, the walls shake as he stomps up the stairs. I step back as the bedroom door flies open and hits the wall, making a dent from the handle.
'You are fucking worthless!' With one strike to my face, he knocks me to the ground. I let out a loud scream as the impact happened. I clutch my face desperately as the pain intensifies. I look up at Adam, tears blocking my vision, but I can see him clutching his bloody hand, but never flinching. I raise my hand as I slowly stand up, my legs shaking, threatening to give up on me and send me back to the ground, I hold on to the bed and finally get my balance.
'I know you're sad.' I sob. 'I'm sad too.' Letting out a monstrous scream, his hands are around my throat. I grab his hands trying to pry him off me, as panic sets in the tighter his grip.
'You did this.' He screams. 'You always make me look a fool!' He throws me down on the bed. 'Why can't you just be normal?!' I hide my face, shaking like a coward, I just want him to stop. 'Look at me!' He grabs my hair, his face inches away from mine.
'Adam...'
'I have done everything for you, and you continue to let me down. I've been there for you for everything! A lot of people would've given up on you, but no, not me, I stupidly stood by you, but you're nothing but the bane of my fucking life!' He throws me down, ripping his hand away from my head. 'I'm going out. Do not leave the house, do not answer the door to anyone.'
'Yes, Adam.'
'I mean it, Robbie.' He snaps. 'If those fucking friends of yours are here when I get back-'
'They won't be.'
'Give me your phone.'
'It's in my bag.' He snatches my bag from the floor, rummaging for my phone. He grabs it and places it in his pocket. 'You can have it back tomorrow.'
'Please don't leave like this.' I reach out my hand to his. 'I want to talk about this.'
'Well, I don't.' He slaps my hands away and leaves the room. He didn't come back for a week.
And when he did, we carried on, as if nothing ever happened.