As 3am rolls around, I find myself tiring less and less. I keep looking around this room of mine, wondering when it'll feel like mine, how long will it take before I can call this place home? Adam lays silently next to me, occasionally turning from side to side. He's not one who really shuts down, but here it seems he's more than happy to be miles away from home.
How easy it is for him, I can't help but look on enviously, wanting to feel that much at peace. I know he has a vision, a vision of us living here for the rest of our lives, away from the awful times that we lived through back in England. But, I feel those times made us, it proved we are strong enough to get through whatever comes our way. But he believes it's who we were around.
I believe his dad is the reason Adam wanted to run. His father treated me as if I was a turd on his shoe, he's the reason Adam works the job he does, he 'encouraged' Adam to follow in his footsteps, he even pulled me aside to tell me to go back and do a nursing degree.
When I said no, he didn't let me in his house for five months, he wouldn't talk to Adam and even called lawyers in so we would get a divorce.
Moving away was always on the table, but I never thought we would end up this far away from home. I don't believe I will ever get used to this.
But I know I need to try, just for a while. I need to do this for Adam, I can see how being here has him relaxed. Maybe he was dealing with a lot from his dad, and I understand. If Billy Moores was my father, I'd rather be in Ben's shoes.
As horrible as that is, Ben seemingly is the lucky one in this situation.
But I dare say that out loud.
I shake my head, throwing the blanket off me. After sneaking out of the room I navigate my way through the house, finding my way down stairs to the new kitchen. I finally turn the lights on, taking a seat on the table.
Resting my head in my hands I allow myself to take a breath.
'It only feels strange because it's new, you will be okay in a day or two.' I repeat to myself over and over, a good piece of advice one would tell.
I stagger to my feet, knowing the one thing that would make this just a little better.
A nice cup of tea,
Mum would tell me all her issues would suddenly seem so minor after a good cuppa, I never really understood, until years later when she admitted she would use that excuse to spend more time with me. I thought it silly, I was never too far away from her. She never needed to try.
I watch the water boil, the comforting sound of the click on the kettle, the warm steam hitting my face as I pour the contents into a big mug.
Tea bag first, sugar, stir, take the tea bag out, then add the milk.
I sit back down, clutching the tea with my hands allowing my hands to warm before sipping the hot tea. My body temp rises in seconds, beating the cold crisp Scottish air.
And I thought England was bad.
'What are you doing up?' Adam stumbles in, placing his arm around my shoulder. 'Come back to bed.'
'Yeah, I will in a minute.'
'Can't sleep?'
'It's the first night, I can't seem to settle.' I admit. 'I'll be fine, I just need a few days.'
'I understand.'
'I used to do this with mum, I'd catch her in the kitchen at stupid hours in the morning, she got me in the habit. But it always ends with good conversation.'
'You're missing her. again?'
'I never stop.' I tell him. 'You must know how I feel, I know you still think of ben.'
Ben, Adam's older brother, he passed away when Adam was sixteen.
'Yeah, I do, but you don't hear me talking about him twenty four seven, do you? Robbie, it's been almost ten years since she passed, there has to come a time when you move on and just accept it.'
'I like talking about her, I like and proud of the fact she was my mum. I'm allowed to grieve for her, I'm allowed to be sad, and it doesn't matter how much time has passed, she's still my mum, she's still dead, and bloody hell, I miss her, Adam. That's never going to change, I'm never not going to want her here or wish she was still here. That's normal, I shouldn't be made to feel bad about that.'
'I won't pretend like I understand you, because I don't. But Robbie, you do drag us down, more than you realise. You know I loved Betty, but I'm over it, and you should be too.'
As those words sting my ears, I shove his hand off my shoulder, turning away from him, avoiding looking at his face. I want so badly to tell him how talking to him hurts me more than helps me, how I wish he would pretend to understand be support me, without making me feel like I am wrong. I wish he would understand, I'm doing my best, and I know sometimes it isn't good enough. But all I can do is try, and I haven't given up yet.
I wish that was good enough for him. I wish his skin wouldn't turn red when he looks at me, I wish his eyes wouldn't naturally roll every time I open up to him.
'You're being too sensitive again, Robbie. You know I care, you know I want to be there for you but there's only so much I can take. And it's nearly 4am, I have to be at the hospital in four hours, so I need to go back to bed. Are you coming?'
'Not yet.' I hear him sigh loudly, before storming upstairs, closing the bedroom door behind him.
I take my time, the thought of going back up there with Adam just makes me want to cry for another year or so.
I make my way to the living room, noticing my phone resting on the coffee table. I pick it up, seeing a few emails and messages from Sophie and Shay. Shay telling me to have fun, and Sophie telling me to come home, and that it's not too late. I smile, Sophie was against this, from day one.
I'll never forget her reaction.
I invited the girls to my house.
I remember Sophie running through the house, looking frantically for a bottle opener for the wine. 'Fucking hell, how can we have a girls night without wine.' I lock eyes with Shay, as we both take a sip of our tea. 'You girls should be ashamed of yourselves.'
'Will you sit down for a minute?' I pat the seat next to me. 'There's a reason I wanted to meet tonight, I have something to talk to you about.' She strolls over with a kitchen knife. She picks up the bottle, getting ready to swing.
'No!' Shay and I jump up, taking the knife and wine from Sophie.
'Girls I need the wine!'
'Not like this, Sophie!' We all take a seat, laughing and wondering if we should be more worried about Sophie than we usually are.
'So, what's going on?' Sophie asks. 'Something to do with Adam, obviously.'
'Yes, actually.' I tell him. 'He got a new job.'
'Oh good.' Shay beams. 'Where?'
'Melrose.' I say shyly.
'Melrose? I've never heard of that, is it close?'
'Not really no, it's in Scotland.' Sophie crosses her arms, huffing and puffing. 'We have been talking about it for a while, and we're going.'
'When?' Sophie snaps.
'Not for a few months yet, but yeah, we've been looking at houses and mine has already had an offer.'
'Robbie, you love that house.'
'I do, but it's no use to me now.'
'This is a mistake.' Sophie says. 'Robbie, I know you, you don't want to move, you're just doing this because you don't think you have any other choice. But you do. Your mum would hate you selling her house, your house! My god, this is ridiculous! That man has wanted to separate us from day one, now he has what he wants and you're allowing this to happen.'
I knew she would take it badly, but not like this.
'Sophie...'
'I'm leaving.' Before I could stop her, she had taken her bag and stormed out of my house.
She didn't talk to me for days after, and honestly I feared she never would again.
But the thing with Sophie, she's a friend for life, and eventually, she came around. But told me she would never accept it, and I told her I could accept that.
Now, I wish she was here.
No.
I wish I was home.