"So how was your day? How was your first class in Univen? horrifying?" He asks teasingly. I take a chip from his plate.
"Come on...it was good. I made new friends" I announce excitedly. He glances at me then tear a warm smile.
"That is great! let's toast to that! I hope they are going to be good friends " He rises his wine glass, I rise my marula shot cappuccino glass. Our glasses kiss and we take sips. This feels nice.
I slice a piece of my chicken schnitzel and dip it on my cheese sauce and put it in my mouth. I let it savour my mouth. When I lift my gaze, I find Musa glaring at me thoughtfully.
"Do you think we are moving too fast?" He takes a sip and glare at me thoughtfully.
"Maybe...but it feels right. I mean not everything goes according to timelines" I give him a wary gaze. Musa is behaving strangely today, his moods just switch back and forth.
"I think so too" He answers with a distant tone. He gulps his wine. I glance at him and his food. The food on his plate is barely touched. Something is bothering him. When he notices my wary gaze, he abruptly sat up and start slicing his beef steak.
"Musa you seem off...I didn't want to ask because I was waiting for you to tell me. But your question and answer are putting me in an awkward position. Is it because of the call?" I feel my cheeks get warm and my chest tightening up.
He lets a low chuckle. I give him an icy look.
"Babe... it's nothing serious. What call? What are you talking about?" He tears a smirk.
I glance at him unfazed. Is he changing the subject like that?
"Look, I haven't forgotten my words and I must discuss this matter with you because we are lovers. When we get back to res, we will talk about it" He assures me with a smile.
I glance at him and say nothing. I hate waiting for discussions that concern important matters but I have to wait because it's about him, not me.
"Okay" I go back to my food.
I can feel his hot gaze on me. I am just going to avoid contact because every time I glance at him, questions and ideas about this situation pop into my head. I have a feeling, that Lala is involved in it because of the tension between them. Oh Lord, this relationship is going to be a hard one. My relationship with Cavin is smooth and has small problems. Not baby mama drama. Argh!
"You are in deep thoughts, you even missed my question?" He glances calmly
I lift my gaze and our eyes make contact. His eyes...are beautiful so mesmerising. But today they are full of sadness. I can see his smiles are a mask of something that is eating him inside.
"Uh...I didn't notice. What did you ask?" I ask feeling a little bit caught? At least he can't read my mind.
"It was about Cavin...but I am letting it go it's not the time yet" He wipes his mouth with the serviette paper.
"Time for what?" I ask acting dumbfounded. I know what he's talking about. I am glad that he's letting it go.
"Let's get the bill. I hate discussing personal matters in public spaces" He lurks his eyes around the restaurant and raises his hand to get assistance. I groan silently to myself. I am fucked, this is going to be a long draining night.
*
Sitting on his bed while his body rest against the wall by the corner of the room, I glance at Musa sympathising with him. My heart is breaking for him. I am so disappointed in my brother, I can't believe Lala broke his heart like this. I reach out to him and wrap my hands tightly around his broad body. He could use a hug right now.
"I am sorry that you had to go through that pain. I am here for you. I am glad you are talking about it because when we talk about the pain we feel, We feel better and better every time we talk about it" I softly comfort him. He's not crying but I can feel the pain emitting from his tensed body. He is hurt. This pain is beyond the pain itself. When you thought you knew the truth, then to found out that what you knew was the tip of the ice bag. It's soul shattering.
We hug it out silently. I don't know what to say to comfort him because I have never felt this pain. My phone starts ringing. We part our bodies. The phone was next to him on the bed. He picks it up and glances at the caller ID. He hands the phone filled with annoyance. I get his annoyance though. I accept the phone and I froze. Fuck! This guy has no timing. I end the call. I put my phone in silence mode. I will call him later, right now I need to be present for Musa.
When I lift my gaze, I confront an icy look from Musa. I am in trouble but I am going to act like I am not bothered. The phone's screen flashes Cavin's call.
"Just take the damn call" He finally pushes the words in a low icy voice.
"It's not important. You need me more" I put the phone away and avoid his gaze
"Do you still love him?" He bluntly asks
"I...uhm...I..." I stutter and keep my silence. I think through it. I know I have been feeling out of love with him, but I am not sure.
"You are not sure are you?" He gazes at me with soft eyes. I am wary of the soft gaze because I can sense dark feelings behind them.
"I feel like I am falling in love with you more than with him. So does that mean...I don't love him anymore?" I blink my eyes several times, snapping at myself for saying such foolish words. I am sounding like a kid who does not know what she's doing or how I ended up in this two-way street.
He gapes at me dumbstruck. He shakes his head in disdain.
I jump at him and hug him so tight. I know what I said was foolish and I look foolish too. I don't think I am ready to say that I am not in love with Cavin because what if this doesn't work, and I don't want to be under pressure of having to break up with him if I want to be with Musa. My body tenses up at the realisation of the truth, I have to choose.
Surprisingly, he hugs me back. I feel a surge of courage flushes in. I can say this, exactly like in my head, but not everything.
"I am not ready" I manage to say these words while my head rests on his chest.
"I understand. But you have to make a decision. just know I won't let you slip through my fingers" He parts our bodies and places a peck on my forehead. I glance at him with teary eyes. How is he so understanding when I am making him share me?
"I told you, you are mine" He lets an emotional chuckle and I let out a nervous laugh too.
I glance at him. I am falling for him and hard. I can't resist anymore.
My face leans in closer to his and I capture his beautiful dark lips in a long, passionate kiss. He responds to my kiss and deepens our passionate kiss.
I feel our cheeks become damp. He pulls back gently.
"What's wrong? Why are you crying?" He asks while searching my eyes with his worried eyes.
"Nothing. I am just realising my feelings for you" I chuckle while sniffing back my tears.
"God you are so emotional" He lets out a warm chuckle too. He wipes my tears with his palm. He pulls me against his chest and we fall back on the bed. Our eyes meet and I could see a glimpse of hope and joy in his eyes. I love him.
"I am sleeping in my room tonight" I rest my leg on him. I feel at ease and comfortable around him.
"Why?...come on" He groans, then he does puppy eyes pleading with me. "I will massage you, sleepover" He pleads.
"I have an 08:00 class. I want to arrive early tomorrow morning at school. I need to meet up with my new friends" I reason with him.
"Okay...but leave at 21:00, just an extra hour" He suggests disheartened. Aww! He looks adorable in this state when he begs.
"Okay," I adjust my body to him and cuddle up to him.
*
I dial the contact. I hear the phone ring from the other line.
I am now in my room, I can freely talk to Cavin. It has been a while we haven't had a proper talk.
"Hello" I hear a female voice.
My chest tightens up, a rush of emotions run on my mind and body. I try to utter something but my tongue is stuck to the roof of my mouth.
"Hello" the female voice echoes in my ear again.
"Hello" I finally get the courage to utter something. The silence stretch during the call, as I scratch my head for an intro. I have never been in this situation. Is it a friend? But this kind of time what are they doing? Does it matter though? Will it change anything? Is it? No!
"Cavin went out a bit, who should I say called? " She asks with a calm voice.
"Deya " I utter nervously. My nerves are shooting up. I feel uncomfortable and my curiosity is spiked up, Who is she?
"Okay, I will let him know"
"O..." I get cut off is the call from the other line gets cut off.
I am feeling flustered. I was standing, suddenly I sit down. I am trying to connect the dots. Was he ever faithful? The phone rings, while it is still in my hand. I pick it up as I see the caller ID flash on my phone.
"Hello" My body tenses up, my chest tightens up spreading some sharp pains on my chest. I adjust my body on the bed readying myself for this conversation.
"Hey! " He greets uncertain of my reaction. He keeps silent waiting for my reaction.
"Who is she?" I blurt out the words without filtering them. I sound like a jealous lover, Should I be? Do I deserve to feel this way, when I have betrayed him first? Maybe he sensed that I was not loyal anymore.
"A friend. Maria. I am glad you called. I have missed you" His voice is soft and smooth. It caresses my heart. Girl! Focus!
"Who's Maria?" I go back to the girl avoiding uttering the words I MISS YOU TOO. I don't miss him.
"A friend. She's my friend Deya. Can we talk about us, when are we going to meet? Don't you miss me? I have missed you" His voice still sounding so calm, even when I am pressing his buttons.
"You miss having sex or me as a person?" I reply with a fierce tone.
"Where's this coming from? Did you call me to squabble with me or talk to me? I am not in the mood to have a squabble with you. We hardly talk" His voice is surging and becoming small.
"Me neither. I was just taken aback that a lady picks up my call this time of the night. A lady I have never heard of or know. It just doesn't feel right with me" I explain myself sounding so fierce like a dedicated and concerned lover.
"You think I would cheat?" His voice is becoming low and vibrating.
"I am not accusing you, I am just surprised. We are far apart and...we have not been having an active communication..." I shrink my voice lower, holding back the mixed emotions surging inside me.
"Why would you think that? My heart belongs to you" His voice sounds calm now and becoming his normal alto voice.
"Because anyone in my situation right now, would think so" My voice is now vibrating with emotions. "Cavin, I can't" I forcibly utter the words. Tears are filling up my eyes. My cheeks feel so warm. A sharp pain pierces my chest.
"You can't...? I don't understand. Erm...clarify me please" His voice is becoming low. It's like he senses the heaviness of the words.
"I am breaking up with you" Tears roll down violently. "I can't keep up. It's better we part"
Silence stretch on the other line for few minutes. After few minutes, I hear Cavin clear his throat.
"Okay" His voice was cold and distant.
"Okay...I am sorry" I try to apologise. I wish I did do this in person. But would I have the guts, to tell the truth? I don't think so. I am such a liar and a cheater. I gaze at the nothingness of the room reflecting on myself. I am disappointed with myself.
"Okay. Bye!" He ends the call abruptly.
I sit silently on the bed reflecting on the past few days and seeing if what I did was worth throwing away my investment in Cavin like that like it meant nothing to me. I feel like a bad girl, but if I continued this, I wouldn't be fair to either of them. But then again, life is never fair.
I fall back on my bed and tuck myself inside the bed covers. Let me rest, guilt-tripping myself won't rewrite what I just did. I am such an impulsive person, which is my weak and strong point. I hope that the decision I made tonight doesn't come back to bite me in the ass. I close my eyes forcing myself to sleep. I have a long day ahead of me tomorrow.