Chapter 4: Add one 7oz jar of Marshmallow creme.
I danced the night away with Tom, knowing that he was a fantastic dancer, i also had a drinking game with a group that stopped me on my way back from the loo, Emma said to carry on and she would let Tom know where i was, before i knew it, i was downing tequila with a vodka chaser, Tom knew that with me not eating very much the drink would be too much for me to handle, he would be right i felt very sick by the eighth vodka and held my hands up as a sign of no more, the man i was drinking against stood and cheered with his group and helped me to my feet, just then i felt an arm around my waist, it was Tom i had been gone for nearly half an hour and he looked worried.
"Love your drunk" he shouted over the music "Think i need to get you out of here" he held me up and we walked back to the others.
"I'm taking Karen back to her hotel, see you all later" this time he picked me up in his arms and carried me to the limo.
I was feeling sick and rushed to the bathroom when we got back, i made it in time but was totally embarrassed when i eventually came out, i had brushed my teeth and was trying to take my dress off.
"Let me do that" i heard Tom say and with that he removed my dress and underwear and carried me to the bed, we began kissing and he kissed me all over concentrating on my breasts before moving down the bed between my legs and plunging his tongue deep inside me, i knew i was in for the best night in my life and as we came together we ended up screaming at the top of our voices then fell asleep in a tangle of arms and legs.
Tom shook me awake "Karen! Karen! wake up!".
My eyes bolted open and i sat up quickly with tears streaming down my face, it must have been a bad dream, the same dream i had most nights. Steve and the children would be laughing and playing with me on Weymouth beach then from no where a scream happens and as i look around, i suddenly see Steve and the kids walking into the sea holding hands, i try to move to follow but the sand won't let me move. "Steve!! wait, wait for me! Oli! Kiera! NO please wait PLEASE!"
Tom held me tight as i was shaking, i told Tom about my nightmare, my tears were slowly stopping, i needed to get up and walk this off.
"I'll come with you" Tom said releasing me and sitting up.
I grab my jeans and t-shirt and head towards the door"No Tom please i just need 10 minutes alone" i could see the worry in his eyes "I'll be OK, i'm just going for a cigarette".
"OK, any longer and i'll be sending search and rescue" he laughed as he said this and watched me leave the bedroom. I sat outside on the curb just watching the world go by, even at 3:48am the streets were packed, mostly clubbers on their way back to hotels or home.
My head was clearing and i decided to go back to the suite and grab a cup of tea, when i entered the suite all was quiet, i looked in on Tom and he was fast asleep "Well so much for the search and rescue" i whispered, i closed the door and went into the kitchen, i made a cup of tea and decided only one thing could relax me now BAKING!!.
When Tom came into the kitchen a few hours later he found the worktops full of muffins and croissants.
"Morning Tom" i said, handing him his tea "Breakfast?".
"Wow, love you've been busy" he said laughing "Oh is that chocolate muffins?".
Tom sat down at the dinning table and i placed the croissants and muffins in front of him "Enjoy" i said laughing and catching his eyes.
"Croissants and muffins for breakfast,darling i love this, thank you" he got up and kissed me on the cheek then sat down to eat and drink his tea.
I sat opposite Tom watching him get excited about eating his third croissant and forth muffin, "Luke will go crazy if he knew that you were eating this".
"Shh i wont tell if you don't" he said winking and smiling at me.
We sat in silence for a while then Tom reached across the table and grabbed my hand, he looked at me intensely.
"Karen, why didn't you come back to bed? i woke to find you gone".
I wasn't really sure how to answer "i um, i don't really know" i began to play and look down at my fingers not wanting to look at him "I had the same nightmare as i do most nights and like most nights i just stayed up and baked i,i..." i got up from the table as i could feel myself getting upset and i went to leave but Tom grabbed my arm as i past him and pulled me onto his lap and held me in the tightest hug ever.
"I'm sorry" he said "I never meant to upset you, that was not my meaning i'm just worried about you" all the while he said this he never once took his eyes off of me "you have a long day today and i'm just worried that 2-3 hours sleep wont be enough to keep you going".
I looked at him and smiled "Really" i started laughing and Tom looked confused "I only had that much?" Tom let me up from his lap "2-3 hours, i only managed about an hour Thursday night" i said through a fit of giggles.
Tom started laughing "Why is it funny?".
I took the dishes into the kitchen and came back to the table "Because now i've managed to sleep a bit longer even if it was just a few extra hours" my laughter had stopped as i realized my own words, i stopped and looked at Tom, his eyes were sparkling "I don't really sleep well, i haven't since the accident and i suppose i've never realized it before now, it's actually not that funny" i walked back towards the bedroom and Tom followed me.
As we entered the bedroom Tom suddenly picks me up in his arms, a loud squel escapes me then laughter hits both of us (Loki has come out to play i thought)
"If i knew you didn't sleep much i would have stayed awake and used the time better" he said throwing me onto the bed and crawling up from my feet, when he reached my stomach he started to tickle me, suddenly a full scale tickle fight broke out and i was screaming for him to stop admist fits of laughter, i was laughing that hard that i had tears rolling down my face, after a few minutes we both sat up and started to calm down as neither of us could breathe. I sat next to Tom and watched him calm his breathing, his chest rising and falling like we had just been for a run. I surprised him with what i said next.
"Since the accident i have that same nightmare about my family" i stare at his face and Tom turns to face me "I'm on the beach at Weymouth with them, we're having a fun happy time together then I'm distracted by a scream and when i turn around they are walking into the sea and i can't move, i'm, I'm sinking and i cant move" i hold my arms around myself and begin to cry again, Tom gently pulls me into his arms.
"Ssh baby" he says holding my head to look me in the face "Its not your fault, life isn't fair and you've been dealt the most unfair card that anyone could have, you had your family and whole world ripped from you without choice and your still trying to make sense of it", he held me close and i felt a tear drop onto my head.
"I just haven't really had time to process it all, my parents and friends dealt with the funeral while i got ready for the show and kept working" I moved to the side of the bed and Tom sat behind me enveloping me with his arms and legs.
"Love you need to grieve" he said into my neck.
There was that word again GRIEVE!!!! so many people had said it to me Bec's, Charlotte, my mum, how can i? if i do i will never come back from it, i pulled myself out of his grip "I can't" i stared at his shocked expression "If i grieve it becomes real and i'll be lost, i won't come back from that living hell" i turned to enter the bathroom, Tom stayed sat on the bed i think he could tell i needed a moment but then decided against it and followed me in.
"You can't bottle your emotions and try to guard your heart it won't work, Karen, you have to grieve its healthy if you don't it will only....".
I snapped back "NO!!"
It took him by surprise and i could see the hurt he had for me in his eyes.
"Tom, i can't not yet. I need to get through this weekend then after next weeks show i'll go visit them on my birthday and tell them everything that's happened, only then can i let the grief in" i placed my hand on his cheek and smiled "Please understand, i did all this for them as they were all really excited that i had made it onto the show" a tear fell down my face and Tom wiped it away.
"OK, i understand" he said quietly and he left it at that.