I can't believe the nerve that man has. Just because I showed some type of weakness and vulnerability, he thinks that will fortify all the horrors he put me through.
He tried to talk to me. Eww. As what? I don't get it, why now? Did he not see me as his child when he was mistreating me?
I wonder what's different now. Was it the fact that I showed him a slight of weakness and care or the fact that I couldn't bare to see him in pain.
*****
I was still asleep this morning when my step brother came to call me that my father was calling me.
"Pamela, dad wants to see you" my step brother Yaw informed and shook me from my sleep. The nerves he had to touch me baffled me.
I glared at him but my eyes was black because I was wondering what that man could possibly want from me now. Because ever since that incident I avoided him completely, I never saw him and I made sure he never saw me.
I couldn't help but wonder if I did something wrong? But I guess there was only one way to find out.
I got out of bed slowly and made my way towards where he sat waiting on me, he was seated outside.
As I got in front of him I didn't talk, I just stood there and stared into nothing waiting for him to spew his words so I could get out of there, being in front of him made me uncomfortable.
I hated that I over slept and he caught me home. I hated being in front of him, at his mercy. I hated the fact that I was still in the house. I hated how uncomfortable he made me that's why I always avoided him. I guess I over slept to the point that this man realized I was at home.
He didn't talk either, he pretended not to have seen me but he also seem to be lost in thoughts, waiting for me to talk so I simply cleared my throat.
"Oh you are here" He asked and I just stared. I refused to talk.
"Dede, how are you?" He asked and I just nodded. He appeared so guilty and ashamed of himself but I didn't let that fool me.
"Come and sit with me" He said patting the space beside him and I shook my head no. Being in his presence made me uncomfortable enough I didn't want to have to feel more.
"Okay. If you won't sit it's fine, I guess I deserve that. Listen I know I did some pretty awful things to you and I have no excuse whatsoever to justify myself. You and I had been through a lot together in order to get here and I treated you like you didn't matter" he paused and sighed heavily with his whole being looking sad, I just stood there like a tree and stared into nothingness until he continued.
"I just wanted you to know that I'm sorry.
I might not act like it but I love you my child. You are the most important person in my life yet I did those horrendous things to you. Please my child find it in your heart to forgive your old man, I promise to make things better between us" he spoke softly yet sadly and couldn't make eye contact with me.
I couldn't believe it. What did he take me for? If I had died when he tried to stab me, would he have been apologizing to my tombstone by now?
He didn't possibly think that I was just going to forgive him for all his terrible behaviors towards me. All those things towards his own blood just because of a woman, if that could happen then anything at all could happen and I mean anything.
He didn't love me, you don't try to murder someone you claim to love just for the sake of a woman or in the name of 'discipline'.
If he thought that I would forgive him just like that then he had another thing coming. I couldn't possibly forgive him for all that.
The things he did scarred me for life, scarred my poor soul and my heart. He damaged me. Broke my trust. Made me feel unworthy, I hate myself because of all those things and he wants me to just forget it?
Wow.
I couldn't talk. I didn't know what to say to him. There was a small voice within me that told me to just walk away and there was a louder part of me that told me to speak up. I listened to the louder part of me to speak up and I did. It was just too surreal not to.
I gave him a small smile.
"Father, I don't really know what to say to you and how to say it to you. But I do not and cannot forgive you for what you put my young innocent soul through. I'm sure you cannot apologize to a dead body or a tombstone and expect it to forgive you.
The day you threw that dagger at me, know that you lost your child from that very day and will never get her back. You put me through so much pain that made me question the love you claim to have for me. You tried to kill me, you hit me, I'm pretty sure there are a lot of other things damaged apart from my mentality and soul. You accused me of the most profaned thing ever. The worst taboo there is and you think it's okay?
You totally forgot I was your child so what reminded you now? The fact that I wasn't like you and couldn't bare to see you in pain ?" I shot back with an emotionlessly face.
"Please my daughter, I know the things I did to you were uncalled for but please find it in you to forgive. Remember how we used to be inseparable. Please forgive me, I'm not asking you to forget because there's no way I can forget it myself. All I'm saying is please forgive. I made mistakes but that doesn't change the fact that you are my whole life. Immediately you leave my life everything goes bad that's why I always wanted you close. And I know I didn't go about it the right way but please forgive me. They say to er is human, but forgiveness comes from true strength" He pleaded and I saw sincerity in his eyes and heard honesty in his voice.
He was playing the emotional blackmail game but I couldn't find it within myself to forgive him. I do not forgive him. I can't forgive him. I couldn't. I wouldn't!
"Answer me this one question and I promise to forgive you and even forget everything" I said to him and hope shone in his orbs.
If only he knew.
He looked so hopeful that it was almost painful to my poor heart. Almost!
"Why? Why did you treat me like that? Where did I go wrong that was so bad that you had to change completely towards me like that? The most important question is 'WHY'?!" I asked him.
Everything came crushing down! Paralyzing me once again. My heart felt heavy. I loved him so much and what he did betrayed me so badly! The one person I would've given up my life for was my dad but he didn't really care about me that much and it hurts.
But I made sure my face was emotionless and stared at him blankly while his face portrayed different emotions.
I waited past thirty minutes and he was still rendered speechless. He couldn't talk so I just excused myself and left. I left him to reconsider all his life choices.
I can't believe he thought everything will be fine just by apologizing to me halfheartedly. Upon everything I had to go through in the hands of the man I was supposed to trust the most.
**************
I got ready for work. And as I walked towards the road my mind couldn't help but wonder back to what my father had said. Was I being too difficult?
I was so engrossed in thoughts that I didn't know I wandered into the street of a busy road. I heard a loud horn but wasn't fast enough to get out of there.
I felt something hard hit me. I watched as my body floated on air and landed on the hard ground with a heavy thud. My head banged on the hard floor and i saw blood everywhere.
I didn't feel the pain, all I felt was my vision blurring.
I was finally free of all the worlds troubles. That's what everyone wanted and now they were getting it. I'm getting what I deserve. What I always wanted was to be free. Free from my nightmares, free of my demons and problems as well.
I am glad that death finally man up and came for me.
My whole life flashed before my eyes, all the good memories I had with my father cane flooding in. At this point I didn't have much regrets but one. The regret of not seeing Gideon before it was all over.
There was only one thought of one person on my mind before it all went black.
Gideon....