"DNA?" my boss said.
"Deoxyribonucleic acid." I explained.
"Yeah, I know what DNA means!" he said angerly. "What else does it say?"
"The genome has been analyzed further." I said. "It shares many similarities to the Praying Mantis. Kingdom: Animalia, Phylum: Arthropoda, Class: Insecta, Order: Mantodea, Family: Homindae, Species:... Well, I guess you could call them Mantis Sapiens."
"Can I see that?" he asked.
He grabbed it, looking at it like it was the most precious thing on Earth. Which I guess it kinda was at the moment.
"I think it's time to issue a press release." he said.
One week went by and not much happened. I went home and couldn't stop thinking about it. Actual proof of extra terrestrial existence. And soon, humanity was going to know about them. I wasn't sure what exactly was gonna happen. Perhaps humanity would realize that there were more important things than Earth. They'd work together to get out into space, putting aside their petty squabbles to meet other living souls.
Maybe we'd rally around the fact that the DNA was found on a sword, drawing the conclusion that the Martians were warmongers and deciding to arm ourselves against them. Or the realization that we weren't alone would create mass panic and society would collapse, dissolving into chaos. My thoughts raced. I didn't get much sleep the night before the press release. Luckily my job was just to stand among NASA officials and look stern so, not the most cognitively demanding position.
The big day arrived and I was terrified. I still wasn't sure how the public would react and I was afraid it wasn't going to be positively. Also, my tie was itchy.
"Ladies and gentlemen." said the communications director.
"THAT'S TRANSPHOBIC!" screamed a woman in the audience.
"How?" asked the director.
"YOU'RE DISCRIMINATING AGAINST THE NON-BINARY COMMUNITY!" she yelled.
"Sorry, I mean: ladies, gentlemen and non-binary people, I am pleased to announce today that mankind has taken a great leap forward." the director said.
"PEOPLEKIND!" a man shouted.
"Peoplekind has taken a great leap forward. As you may know, we have landed on Mars." the communications director said.
"STOP MANSPLAINING TO US!" someone screamed.
"As you definitely know, we've landed on Mars." the director said, getting more and more nervous. "What you may not now is that we found a substance on the planet that couldn't be identified."
"DON'T USE THE WORD SUBSTANCE, IT TRIGGERS ME!" a person in the audience whined.
"Why?" the director asked.
"IT DOESN'T MATTER, IT JUST DOES!" the person said, starting to cry.
"We found a goo on the planet that couldn't be identified." the director explained. "After taking it back to Earth we discovered that it had traces of DNA on it."
"HOW DARE YOU TAKE IT FROM IT'S HOME, YOU COLONIZER!" a woman yelled.
"I'm sorry." the director said, wiping sweat from his brow. "NASA is currently unsure if the alien species is still around on Mars or not."
"SAY EXTRA TERRESTRIAL!" a man in the audience demanded. "ALIEN IS OFFENSIVE TO UNDOCUMENTED CITIZENS!"
"NASA is c-currently unsure if th-the extra terrestrial s-species is still around on Mars or n-not." the director stammered. "We're referring t-to them as M-Mantis Sapiens."
"DON'T IMPOSE HUMAN WORDS LIKE SAPIEN ON OTHER CULTURES!" someone screamed.
"Hey!" I yelled. "What is wrong with you people?! You were just presented with evidence that we're not alone in the universe and instead you're rambling about woke nonsense! Can't you see that there are bigger things than your political correctness?!"
And that was the biggest mistake I ever made in my life. I was instantly cancelled for running my mouth. I was fired from NASA and no one will hire me. Every time I leave my house I'm gawked at and I can hear people muttering about me to each other. There's no doubt about it, I was screwed.