"What is the meaning of life"?
I've asked myself this question countless times. And here I sit in front of my PC all alone.
"Why should I sleep for 8 hours a day?"
Another question that I have asked myself many times, although of course not as deep I always thought it was stupid that humans needed 8 hours of sleep a day, while other animals only need 3 or less hours.
One third of a day! It felt like it was useless and just took away time out of your day, which you could use otherwise. Although I thought that I knew that to recover your strength and let your body rest it's needed.
But reaching the conclusion that sleep is just needed was something that I was even more confused by. Who exactly made these "rules", who said that it was supposed to be like that, well I can't say that neither do I want to really find it out.
It just makes me mad to not be able to do anything against a relatively simple thing like that.
That was one of the things I didn't like in life, there were plenty of those, but there were also things I liked about life.
"Friends, family, hobbies"?
No, that's not what I mean.
Rather I believe that this world just can't be the only world, neither do I really want to believe that.
Of course, I can't be sure, but after thinking a lot and I mean a lot multiple hours at times, continuously searching for answers, researching a lot of these things on YouTube or Google, but not reaching any conclusion, just guesses. Nothing that could really be proven.
Maybe I'm the protagonist of my life. But maybe I'm just one unimportant person in the real protagonist's life. Maybe life as I know it is just a god's plaything which he can change however and whenever he wants.
I can only believe and hope that this world will change. Maybe I am the one who will change this world after all, someone who can exceed the limit of a human being, someone who can leave his weak and helpless self behind and someone who can truly become strong.
Well, of course all of that is just wishful thinking, but I'm only 14 years old, I've often thought about why I am the way I am, not really seeing the point in making new friends although I tried to really understand it, no need for approval, no need for love…
Well, most of these things can be answered by my beliefs and rules I made up for myself, but I don't try to force my mindset on other people.
Many people take it for granted to fall in love, to have someone to tell about your problems and worries, to have someone to spend time with. I can understand why people would think that way, but for me it's honestly just pointless, well it's not like I never had a crush on a girl, but nowadays I just feel like it's lost time and something that you should avoid if possible.
I haven't really experienced anything bad in my life and I don't think I'm smarter or more enlightened than everyone else.
But I am sure of one thing, if I ever get the chance to leave my current life behind, my family, my friends, I would take that opportunity right away, I wouldn't even take time to think about it.
After all I already thought about it so many times that the decision only has to come, but waiting for that is kind of pointless, because I simply can't know if that will ever happen.
But that chance, it's the only thing stopping me from just committing suicide it's the only thing I really care about.
"But what would change in another world, wouldn't it not be possible that it was just as pointless"?
I can't say for sure of course, but it is the only chance I have, the only thing I am willing to set my trust and hopes into. It will finally be possible to feel real joy like I had never before, or rather that's what I believe.
Not having to worry about my family, friends and anyone else, I would be able to create my own story, not having to grow up in a family that in the end would probably just be used as hostages against me after I made enemies.
Well the chances of me actually being able to leave this world are basically nonexistent and nothing in this world proves that something as incredible as that would really be possible, but even if the chance is incredibly small, as long as there's even just a minuscule chance of that actually happening I'll work towards it giving it everything I have, to finally escape this life in which I feel basically no joy whatsoever.
I feel like it's just not for me. I feel like I don't fit in.
- almost a week later -
While still trying to understand what had just happened and beginning to realize that what had happened in fact really wasn't just some dream I began to look down and started to pull out the knife.
"To get such a chance, who could have ever known that something like this was possible"
I pull the bloody knife out of the body of the lifeless enemy who was just trying to kill me and continue on the path in an unknown direction...
-What in the world had happened?-