" so what's so significant about your nightmares that your mother felt the need to book a session with me?" l looked at my mom and she nodded her head at me reassuring me that it was okay to unload all my baggage on Dr Gremlin.
"l have been having them since that day" my breath got stuck in my throat causing me to break into coughing fits. Alarmed, my mom started patting my back to relieve some of the pressure.
"And are your dreams the same or different?" he asked writing down on his clipboard
" the events are the same but the people are different, the people dying that is"
"would you care to elaborate on that?" this time around, his eyes were set on my shaking form. A look of sympathy flashed through his eyes before it was replaced with a composed emotionless one. This is the reason why l didn't want anyone knowing about what had happened because they would all look at me like shards of broken glass
"sometimes l watch my father die the same way he did, other times its me dying and him surviving. But the end is always the same, someone dies. I can never save them or myself no matter how hard l try" l willed the tears to stay hidden behind my eye lids as l sniffled a couple of times without breaking my resolve
"And what happened that day?" l knew this question was coming but l was in no way ready to answer it but the pleading look in my mothers eyes forced the words out of my mouth and before l knew it, l was reliving my worst nightmare.
My mom broke down as well, as she heard me describe in full detail the way her husband died right in front of my eyes. The sight of her tears had me clamping my mouth shut to spare her the agony that consumed me to the point of following me to my dreams.
"I do.. don't think l can go on" l said with a stutter, already over the memories of that wretched afternoon
"I want to know, please" my mom said, trying to get me to continue
"l c-ccaa--can't do it"
"Billy, l am your mother and l am telling you to continue. My husband died too, is it too much to tell me how he died." she commanded
"No" barely above a whisper. How could she turn this on me. As if l was the reason she was not the last person he spoke to before his departure
" If it wasn't for you, he would still be here. I just want to know how he died. I told you to leave him alone but you refused. Why?" at this point she was screaming at the top of her lungs shocking both the doctor and l.
"what?" l asked as her words registered in my head. The feeling of guilt wrapping itself around the broken shards of what's left of my heart
"It's all your fault" she couldn't even look at me
"so that's what you have been thinking this whole time and you had the audacity to force me to come to therapy. Clearly you need it more than l do" l needed to get out of there. The walls were closing in on me causing my chest to tighten and the pain in my head to increase. I let out shaky breaths as l tried to fill my chest with as much oxygen as possible. My throat was heating up and my eyes were barely working, blurring everything within a mile radius. I opened the door with so much force before falling to my knees and rolling on the ground.
Thankfully there weren't a lot of people in the lobby, grateful for the fresh air that started filling my lungs releasing me from the hold of death.
Gathering myself wasn't too much of a task but home was the last place l wanted to be. I don't even think l can still call it home given the amount of hate that seems to have clutched my mother's heart.
"hello Aunt Anne" l said dialing the one person l know would have my back regardless
"Billy" the sound of paper ruffling in the background was an indication that she was still at work
"Can l come over to your place" l asked, which must have seemed odd considering l haven't seen her in two years, not since the funeral
"is everything okay" l could tell that l now had her full attention
"No, nothing is okay anymore. I can't stay with mom. Not right now"
"what happened"
" I don't want to talk about it right now. can l come tomorrow" l held my breath knowing just how much of short notice it is
"you can come sweetheart. I will see you tomorrow"
"thank you Aunt Anne" and with that l dropped the call
I felt a bit better knowing that l only had to spend one more night with my mother before my overdue holiday
The house was deserted. I could tell that she was avoiding me just as much as l was. Walking further into the house, there was a note on the mirror that sat along the corridor close to the entrance.
'there is money on the counter in the kitchen. Buy dinner, l won't be back till later. There is a lot of work l need to catch up on. I will see you tomorrow.
-l love you, Mom'
I rolled my eyes before making my way up the stairs to my room. Getting out my suitcase, l packed all my favourite summer essentials and my toiletries. I rolled the suitcase down the stairs, close to the front door before booking a flight ticket. I hope l can find a flight for tomorrow otherwise the start of my summer will be a bitter one.
One seat-middle seat-in the front was the only one available and l thanked the Lord for my miracle seat.
I couldn't wait for the night to be over, the nerves of seeing my aunt now catching up with me. What would l say to her or my mother who l had yet to tell of my abrupt plans. Not that she would care. I'm pretty sure she would be relieved with not seeing my face for the next three months.