It is 4weeks in a new session and there has been no one to rub my back for me when it aches, no one to cuddle with me when there is cold…
I knew I should have treated Kemi better. But, I didn't want a relationship with her naw. All I wanted was to have fun filled times nothing more, nothing less. Since it has become very boring, I think its high time I called my friend to let us hangout at "heaven's palace".
Heaven's palace was a bar I rarely go. But the way I have been living, has become boring. I need a spice, a treat, a hangout, something to pass away time, something to kill the boredom. So I dialed Japheth's number to lets hang out at heaven's palace. We got to heaven's palace at around 8pm. While we sat at a darkened corner. The bartender noticed us as we came in the bar and attended to us. She left her stand and walked directly to us.
"What would you guys like to have? Wow. It's even a girl. Her tallness is fitted like the iroko tree, I mean that, her curves structured like the figure of eight. A bright and magnificent princess like her. I kept looking at her when Japheth ordered for some Trophy and Origins'.
"But wait o Japheth this girl confirm o"
"Funky, u go carry golo laslas ni. Shey you know say this na bar girl, na anyone dey carry em upanddown o."
"and who says I don ready marriage. Oga ade forget! Na to flex jor. U no dey see as the girl carry for ynash ni. See her basketball dey bounce like Michael Jordan dey play. You no see how her thighs get flesh like wrapper wey dey wrap birthday presentation. See her divine bress wey carry milk wey dey flow from the river of peak. Omo me go collect number o."
It was not long she brought our drinks and returned immediately. We kept drinking and eating some pepper soup alongside until 10pm, when we beckon on her for payment. She walked down to us and I engaged her in a little chat.
"hello, how are you…" I said stretching out 4k to her, we had already drank and ate something of 3,500k
"I am fine"
"I have noticed you for a while now, can I have your number?"
"sure!" she stretched her hand forward and I placed my phone on her palm.
The following morning I chatted her up and she made me understand her work schedule. We had planned for her to visit me, she made me understand she works in shifts and it is always in the night. She was going to visit me the next weekend and thinking about her visitation alone makes me feel intoxicated. Like it been long I have shakushaku na.
Eventually here we are in the following week. Melissa had already landed like an aero plane in my room. We had log on to each other's website for the whole day. It felt good and awesome. At least now, I have someone to shakushaku anytime I like. Not long after Melissa had gone, we both started chatting and I asked her when we would meet again.
"See.. funky, you can never have that chance with me again" I became very surprised that she could say that. I mean, I thought we had fun right?
"babe, sup, why this sudden reaction?"
"is it because I did not tell you your sex was wack?" wait! I am not understanding again. Me! Me! Funky!!! Asin how come? I did frog, doggy, toad and even crocodile. How come my best is wack?
"babe, I promise to improve next time, when can we see?"
"see… Funky! I had met and had fun with more men than you can imagine I can boldly tell you that your sex was wack and I cant just do this with you anymore." She blocked me right away from whatsapp and even blacklisted my number. Me! WACK! Issorite! I will teach you a lesson! We must have a rematch!
Four weeks gone and I haven't even device a method to make Melissa come back. I tried to deceive her through Japheth but, the stupid guy wouldn't play along. So, I am left with my thought. Either way, the fact that I don't know how to have a rematch with Melissa doesn't stop me from gathering intelligence on how to make her salute my sex life.I mean, she cannot be pointing hands at me to her friends that I no fit do ham well. She cannot ridicule me and make me a topic among her friends we must have rematch.
I had gone on to the internet to download various porn series. I had even browsed on home remedies to make sex last longer. Now, I know the kind of fruit to take more often. I know the kind of exercise to do. Ah ah! Melissa don die! Even though you swim in the waters of immoralities, you have seen the depth of the ocean and you know how a tilapia fish can eat a shark. I am just like David and you are a Goliath, I will sure defeat you.
But how will I make her come again? I kept racking my brain like a poor network in search of service. "How I go make this girl come back na" finally, emi omo oro, after 5 weeks, I jammed a conclusion.
Seriously, it has always been simple, I wasn't just thinking right. Iffa just buy another sim, I go just open fresh whatsapp, put a different profile picture. And since the girl na olosho, it is easy na. I go just message her like a fresh man signing his first contract with her. Lobatan, soup don ready! Chai brain full my head o…
The following day I had done as I thought. I got a new sim and registered it on whatsapp with a different profile picture. The picture was of the head usher in my church but who cares, no be say I wan steal money na. guy flex dey go jor. I had chatted with her and we had agreed to even meet the following week at Benima Hotel. I even ready book room for the mission. Shuuu…
The idiot girl, she no ask how I got her number. Be like say this girl go get jiji account offering olosho services kekekeke…ah! Laugh no go tear my belle. But, my battery don low o, make I go this church mah go charge small. You know me na, if not for the charging wey I wan charge, who get time to dey go church? Oga Ade free me, church kor.
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Interpretation
Golo– gonorrhea
Em– Them
Upanddown–. Up and down
Oga Ade – Mr Man
Ynash– buttocks
Shakushaku– fuck
Issorite– it's alright
Emi omo Oro – self appraisal
Jammed– reached
Olosho– prostitute
Lobatan– finally
Nepa– power holding company
Emi werey–. Evil me