I spend most of the weekend Skyping with Jamie, and the world feels right again. I forget that kissing Hayden had ever crossed my mind; I forget that I'm a terrible girlfriend.
It seems that Sundays in the Applegate household start with home kind of home cooked breakfast and ends up with us all at the beach. It's the first time I've been to a beach in years, and as the sun beams down on me, I have to admit, I'm starting to get used to LA.
I'm spread out on a flowery towel, stomach to the fabric, sunglasses on as I work on some Math homework. Most of the family are playing in the ocean, except for Olly, who is asleep on a beach towel next to me. Every so often, I look over and see dried drool on his chin.
At some point, my phone pings with a message from Jamie, and I smile. This is the way things should be. I'd started to let Hayden get in my head; let him convince me something was wrong in my life, but my relationship with Jamie is the kind of relationship most can only ever dream of. It might not be the passion fuelled, rip their clothes off as soon as you see them type of love, but it's so much more than that.
My mother once told me that fireworks always fizzle out in the end. What feels good in the moment never lasts beyond it. Real love isn't passion and fireworks, it is safety and comfort; it is being accepted even on the days where you can't accept yourself. It's something I have with Jamie, and something I could never have with someone like Hayden.
"So, how are you finding LA?" Olly asks. "It looks like a tan is doing you some good."
When I turn, I see he is awake and busy lathering his chest in sun cream. He gives the bottle another shake, and a blob flies out and lands on my arm.
"Thanks," I say, wiping it off, "and I kind of think I'm starting to get used to things here. Having a routine helps a lot."
"Oh, yeah," he says, flipping onto his back. "You keep disappearing to the gym. I go to Riverly too, we should go together one day."
I look back at my homework like it's the most fascinating thing in the world. "Actually, I don't go to the gym here in Riverly. I go to a different one."
He raises an eyebrow, clearly confused. "Which gym? I didn't think there were any others around here."
For a second, I think about lying, but lying makes me feel like I've got something to hide, and I haven't. "Its not in this town. It's a gym called Gymcon."
When he doesn't respond, I look up from my homework to see him searching my face, his surprise–and horror–all too apparent. "You're going to Hayden Walker's gym?"
I'd hoped maybe he wouldn't recognize the name, but no such luck. "Yeah. Why do you sound so horrified? It's just a gym."
Olly is silent as he looks at his fingers, and I begin to suspect something is wrong. "Am I missing something here?" I ask.
He sighs and looks up. "There's been a few rumors going around school that Hayden's training some girl at his gym for the first time in history. It just never even occurred to me that it was you."
I tense slightly. Just what have people been saying exactly? "Okay, but what's the big deal? You look like you've seen a ghost."
Olly runs a hand through his hair, clearly uncomfortable. "Some of the rumors are–I mean–" he stops and shoots me a look of embarrassment.
"Just tell me," I say, feeling anxious. "What are the rumors?"
Olly finally sighs and says, "Hayden is telling everyone at school that he's banging some girl he's training in exchange for self defence lessons."
For a second, I am so shocked by this rumor that I just stare at Olly in some kind of trance, unable to process his words. When I finally do, it's like I see red.
"I need to go," I say, slipping on my dress. "Tell everyone–I don't know, tell them I wasn't feeling well and I'll see you all at home." Then, without waiting for his response, I grab my stuff and run down the beach in the direction of the line of cabs.
It costs a fortune just to make it to Hayden's gym, but I'm so angry that I don't even care. I just thank and pay the cab driver, charge up the steps and barge into the gym.
Several men turn to stare at me once. I hover in the doorway, scanning the gym for signs of Hayden, but he's nowhere to be found. I march over to the small office in the corner, but the lights are off and the door is locked. I turn back to the gym goers, who are still stood watching me from their various machines.
"Where's Hayden?" I demand to no one in particular.
A few of them smirk and look at one another. The one closest to me raises an eyebrow and says, "He only works mornings on Sundays."
I can feel a small scream about to work its way up my throat. I force out a thank you and hail another cab, spending the journey biting on my lower lip to keep the tears in.
When I finally make it home, I head straight to my bedroom, knowing that if I stop to talk, I'll unleash this fury on those who don't deserve it. Instead, I climb into bed and pull the duvet over my head, just like I used to do as a little kid to block out my parents arguing.
Then I start to cry. I should have seen something like this coming, but as cocky and as arrogant as I've always thought Hayden is, I never once thought he'd be capable of something like this. I thought that beneath the surface, beneath the prickly, rude exterior, there had to be something more to him; it turns out, I was wrong.
At some point, my phone vibrates. I look at the called ID and see Jamie's name pop up. I don't exactly feel like talking, but I answer it anyway with a quiet hello.
"You sound upset," Jamie says. "What's wrong?"
And just like that, I can't fake it any longer. It's like as soon as someone can see through the facade, it all comes crashing down. "I found out something horrible," I say, my voice shaking. My throat feels thick and heavy with emotion, making it hard to breathe.
"Tell me," Jamie says, his voice urgent.
I wipe my eyes, but it only makes room for more tears. "Do you remember I told you there's this guy training me?"
"Of course I remember." I can hear the fear in his voice. "What about him?"
I take a slight breath before exhaling. "Apparently, he started a rumor that I'm sleeping with him in exchange for lessons. It's not true, obviously."
I hold my breath in the silence that follows. I know Jamie trusts me as much as I trust him, of course he'll believe me when I say it's not true, but a part of me is still terrified that he won't, that he'll think I'm a terrible girlfriend; he'd probably be right.
"What a dick," Jamie says, and for once, he sounds angry. "I knew he sounded like a creep the first time you brought him up. Guys like that just love to prey on innocent girls like you. What are you going to do?"
I sigh and look out the window. "I don't know. Stop going to the gym, for one. Maybe punch him in the face. I haven't decided."
Jamie laughs. "I say you put those new techniques to use."
I laugh in return, but it's half hidden by a sob. "I'm so glad I have you, Jamie. I wish you were here."
His voice softens. "I wish I was, too. You should try to get some sleep. Let me know how things go tomorrow, okay?"
"Okay. I love you."
"I love you, too, Mads."
When the phone call ends, I tuck my phone beneath my pillow and curl on my side. I stay like this for what feels like hours, thinking of all of the ways that I'll make Hayden suffer. Eventually, my fantasies give way to a dreamless sleep.