Hope. A word that usually brings joy to those who hear it or even a sense of self-satisfaction. For me, it only brought pain. Nobody would expect it, yet from time to time the antonyms can turn into synonyms. Those who feel hope often also see it crumble right in front of them. It's said that the bravest people are the ones who never give up, but a few know how much guts it takes to let go and admit you've lost. It's common to think that those who are optimists should not suffer like others, well I'm sorry to disappoint you, but that's not true at all. Sometimes we feed on desperate desires, from which however we draw nothing but pain and regret.
***
"You don't own me [1]"
"I'm not just one of your many toys..."
It takes a disgrace to make you appreciate the value of life. But then why couldn't I still want to survive?
"You don't own me"
"Don't say I can't go with other boys..."
That's right, you heard me well, I wasn't ready to live again. The only thing I could do was pray for a miracle or pray for my death.
"And don't tell me what to do"
"Don't tell me what to say"
Desperation was all I had, a cruel companion that never left me. I would have given everything I had just to feel how freedom tasted again. It was so distant to me right now. Just a mere dream.
"And please, when I go out with you"
"Don't put me on display..."
The only thing that kept me alive was that damn song, my only anchor to reality. It constantly repeated around the room for hours and hours.
I don't know why they decided to make me listen to it so many times, but apparently, it was Dr. Hayato Ishida himself who chose it. That's right, Hayato Ishida. The same man I was supposed to work for, the same man who decided to turn me into a lab rat.
I felt anger, resentment, and hatred towards him, but at the same time, I couldn't afford to disobey him. In fact, I couldn't disobey him. That man was apparently the leader of the group that kidnapped me, the orchestrator of everything. He said he wanted to become my friend, but when he presented himself in front of me with his usual lovingly smile, I couldn't help but be disgusted by all the evil that existed within a single person.
I didn't see him often, the last time he was able to talk to me was during a long journey in a van. He'd spent the trip sitting next to my makeshift cage to keep me from escaping on the move, humming the same song that rang in my ears like a broken record.
I've never been a talkative person, but not saying a single word in two weeks threatened to drive me crazy. Ishida wanted my cooperation, and that was the only thing I wasn't willing to give him. He would have to extract that darn genetic information from me by force.
It had already been two weeks since I was kidnapped and turned into a guinea pig. I was at the height of despair, but I tried not to show it. As miserable as I was, I did not agree to collaborate with the man who would surely be able to kill me sooner or later.
I had just been moved to a new place, I didn't know where, but each room was different. The only thing the same as when I was locked up in the Skyard Inc. laboratories, was that no one had yet laid a single finger on me.
After meeting Dr. Ishida for the first time, I was left alone, tied to a bed to rot for a whole week. I didn't eat, or at least that was how I described it because all the nutrients I needed to survive entered my body through an IV. I spent hours and hours, days and days alone, locked up in the company of my thoughts, that never left me.
I screamed, begged to be let go of, but no one ever answered. The only reason I knew I hadn't been forgotten was that damn song that came out of the room speakers. Every now and then I tried to cover the noise of the music with my screams, but in the end, I always found myself muttering the notes I now knew by heart.
In those two weeks, I tried in every way not to lose hope, to keep fighting. I only realized it after a long time that I was doing it just to keep from going crazy. I wanted to get out of there, but at the same time, I saw freedom as a dream too far from my new reality.
I didn't know why they'd left me alone all that time, maybe they'd found other lab rats to play with, but I was pretty sure they'd remember me sooner or later. And I was hoping that time would never come.
After being moved to a new laboratory, I realized how much I missed my old life. I didn't think about it much, I was too busy cursing whoever decided to take me there. I was sad and lonely.
I feared for my future, I didn't know if I would be able to wake up the next day or if I could ever turn nineteen. All I was allowed to worry about was the slow passing of time in my prison.
I didn't want to die, but at the same time, I found that living like that was the greatest punishment I could receive.
***
"Ah, Yuuya! It's been a while!" exclaimed Hayato Ishida as he walked towards me with an excited expression. I was tied to the military truck by my ankles, wrists, chest, and neck, so all I could do was speak and observe. I was wearing my usual white hospital gown, even though it was way too big for me.
Dr. Ishida was sitting in front of me with a pile of books in his lap. That was the first time that I ever saw him without his withe coat, and the only thing I could say was that he looked like a normal young man.
That day he was smiling more than ever, he was just like a child in an amusement park. We were only a few meters apart and if I wasn't tied up I would have gladly strangled him. But all I could do was glare daggers at his figure.
He didn't seem to notice though, because he just sat there and opened a book "I'm really sorry, but I was very busy in this period and I couldn't come to visit you very often. But since we're moving out this time I'll try to make it up to you by coming every day. Isn't that exciting?!"
Cold sweat trickled down my neck. I didn't want to see him, because it meant that something would happen.
"Hey, do you like the song I choose?"
I didn't answer. What could have I said? Just talking to him made me want to choke on my words.
"You can talk now, right?" he asked after a few seconds with concern visible in his eyes. I silently nodded, not giving up. The strangest thing of all was that he was talking to me like we were on a trip together like friends, and not on a military truck with one of us chained to the wall. That man was a pure mystery to me.
"Good. So, what do you think about it, the song I mean?"
"I-I like it." I briefly answered. I disgusted myself. What a coward I was, obeying like a dog on a leash.
"Really?! Wow, amazing! I used to sing it when I was little. I'm glad you like it. Do you have any particular song you like?"
"No."
"Do you like reading?"
I didn't know why he was so curious about me, but I just gave up and answered every question he asked.
"No."
"Really? I thought you were the bookworm type, but I guess I was wrong. I'm a huge fan of literature. Just take a look at this," he said while pointing to all the books he brought when he came inside the truck "I can't go anywhere without them. But, Yuuya, you must have read something for school, like, I don't know, maybe Dazai [2]? Or what about Fitzgerald [3]? Ever read Shakespeare [4]?"
"Only Dazai."
"Cool! I really love his books. Which one did you read?"
"No Longer Human. [5]"
Dr. Ishida pinched the bridge of his nose "Ah, yes. I especially liked that one too. The decline of a man. Very inspiring under some points of view, don't you think?"
"Yeah, really...inspiring," I said while clicking my tongue. I didn't care about what he thought of me anymore.
"So, let me know more about you. Uh... why did you choose to work for Skyard Inc.?"
That question. I immediately felt myself sinking into self-pity. If only I hadn't shown up that day, if only I had refused the offer to work as a researcher. I wouldn't have been in that situation if only I had decided to stay home. What the hell had I jumped into when I decided to get a job? If only I could have gone back in time...
"I-I..." I started to say, but I wasn't strong enough to finish that sentence. Memories of my last day in the normal world started to pop up in my mind like mushrooms, leaving a bitter feeling in my mouth.
Suddenly, the image of a young man flashed in front of my eyes. Kane Wilson, that was his name. He was the guy who walked beside me when I collapsed. What happened to him? Was he part of the operation since the beginning? It didn't seem like that, though. The captors couldn't let him go away if he saw what happened to me.
"What happened to the other guy that you hired? The one next to me when I was kidnapped."
"Kidnapped..." muttered Dr. Ishida with a dark tone. He probably didn't see it as an abduction, but that's how I felt about it.
"Uh-huh, you're talking about Kane, aren't ya?"
I quickly nodded, craving for an explanation.
"He's doing pretty well, but we had to transfer him to the structure we're going right now. You'll soon be together again! I don't have enough power to get the two of you together, but I'll do what I can to make it happen!" the young man exclaimed.
My blood suddenly froze to ice "S-So K-Kane Wilson i-is like me?"
"Mm-mm, not quite."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, let's say that you're the entire cake, while Kane it's just a piece. He has only a part of the genetic qualities we need, but who knows, maybe it'll work just like with yours," he said.
All about that man made me furious. I felt my blood boiling and hands shaking in anger. That was enough. I couldn't think straight anymore, my mind was cloudy.
"You bastard... How dare you?!" I spat out in anger, "How dare you play with someone's life like that?! We're all just a game to you, am I right?! You aren't even sure if it'll work, and still, you sent Willson there to die! You think you're like God, right?! Well, sorry to be such a party pooper, but God isn't a crazy son of a-"
"Yuuya, don't say such things, please. I know you're angry, but if you just-"
"No! I won't listen to you! Y-You... You disgust me." I said while desperately wriggling against the restraints. I was shaking from head to toe, but nothing mattered anymore.
Almost on the verge of tears, I spit at him.
He just got up from his seat and stocked my hair before shooting me a crestfallen look "I know, but please, don't hate me more than I already do."
Dr. Ishida just walked away towards the driver and sat beside him, finally ignoring me.
Hot tears spilled from my eyes as I thought about what was awaiting me. I wanted to scream, tell that man just how much my hate for him was, however nothing but a sigh escaped my lips.
I never imagined the Devil as a normal person.
***
[1] "You Don't Own Me" is a popular song written by Philadelphia songwriters John Madara and David White and recorded by Lesley Gore in 1963, when Gore was 17 years old. The song expresses emancipation, as the singer tells a lover that he does not own her, that he isn't to tell her what to do or what to say, and that he is not to put her on display. (Wiki)
[2] Osamu Dazai was a Japanese author who is considered one of the foremost fiction writers of 20th-century Japan. With a semi-autobiographical style and transparency into his personal life, Dazai's stories have intrigued the minds of many readers. (Wiki)
[3] Francis Scott Key Fitzgerald (September 24, 1896 – December 21, 1940) was an American novelist, essayist, screenwriter, and short-story writer. He was best known for his novels depicting the flamboyance and excess of the Jazz Age—a term which he popularized. (Wiki)
[4] William Shakespeare (26 April 1564 – 23 April 1616) was an English playwright, poet, and actor, widely regarded as the greatest writer in the English language and the world's greatest dramatist. (Wiki)
[5] No Longer Human is a 1948 Japanese novel by Osamu Dazai. It is considered Dazai's masterpiece and ranks as the second-best selling novel ever in Japan. (Wiki)