"I'll see you guys next lesson" as Sir Ice leaves the room first for he was being called at the office by another conductor.
After lunch, everything was awkward. The whole atmosphere was awkward as we make our way back. It's my fault again..
"Hey.." I called out to Aaron. I have to apologize for my actions earlier.
He was arranging his pieces and he said, "Oh hey, wait for me" smiling. Like nothing happened.
"..Okay.."
Blythe walked passed us and Aaron noticed her so he said goodbye as he waves.
"See you next time.." she looked my way and smiled, "..I'll see you too, bye" as she waves goodbye.
"..Sure..Bye" I said and she turns her back. I didn't even said sorry to her.
"Let's go!" Aaron yelled enough for me to hear with a violin on his right hand.
I smilingly sighed, "..Okay.."
"..Aaron.." I began, we were walking on our way home.
"Wassup?"
"Uh.." playing with my fingers as I look away to avoid eye contact. I can't even do a simple sorry.
"..About earlier.." with my chin down, "..I'm sorry.." I whispered.
He chuckled lightly, "So that's what this is about? Look..You didn't do anything wrong Lou, so it's fine"
"No its not.."
"..What do you mean?"
What is this feeling..
"No, its nothing"
"Lou.."
"It's nothing, really."
"You can talk to me anytime. I'll listen"
Why am I being comforted when he's the one who needs it..
"Same goes for you" I laughed lightly.
I didn't remember what we talked about next. I know we had lots of topics to talk to, I know I was laughing my ass off, so was he. However, I don't know what it was all about. It's always this fun when I'm talking to him. It's like the world slowly disperse, with only us left. And I get this tingling feeling and that makes me want to stay more.
"Well then..I'll see you next time..And don't worry about such things anymore, it's good if you let your emotions out sometimes.. Because if you hold it out for so long..you'll break" as he ruffles my hair, "And I don't want that to happen to you" he smiled.
"I have you so...it's okay, isn't it?"
he sighed, "I'm not gonna be always by your side, Lou..and wasn't it the other way around?" I laughed when he got confused.
"As I was saying, Lou.." he got serious. "You don't need to rely on others, rely on yourself. For if you do, it won't hurt here that much" as he pointed to my heart.
"But..It wouldn't hurt relying on someone when you can't do it anymore, now would it? Be independent yet trustful.." he continued.
I suddenly remembered what my mom told me before that everything else aside from music is a hindrance. I've always thought she was right..but now. I think she's definitely wrong. Not everything is a hindrance. Aaron has helped me in a lot of ways, be it music or not. He showed me the world and is still showing me things I haven't seen. And It's wonderful. It's joyous. It's bewildering.
"You always have a lot to say" I chuckled lightly. "And yes, I'll try my very best to not depend on you 'often'. So you don't have to worry. You'll show the world, won't you?"
"Oh not only the world. I'll show you the entire universe..but first we need to start with you"
"Me? What do you mean?" I crossed my arms in confusion.
"You're still afraid, Lou"
"I'm not.." I defensively replied.
He grinned, "Yes, you are..Tell me..what are you most afraid of?"
A pause.
I pondered, what am I most afraid of?..
"Death.." i murmured.
"Hmm death? No, I think not"
Why does he have to decide what I'm afraid of the most?
He raised his brows as he smiles while waiting for me to answer. I thought once again.
"..Rejection..i think.." in a lower voice.
"And so what do you do in order to not be rejected?"
"Wha—Like hell I know! If I knew, I wouldn't be stuck like this, would I?!" I yelled, pissed off.
"Right. So that's where the problem begins" he laughed.
"God, you're pissing me more. Let's get this over and done with shall we? So what do I have to do?"
"Atatat" he hushed me. "Stop being impatient and angry, Lou. You're wrinkles are showing"
I clenched my fist, "..My..what..?" showing him my fist that I'm ready to punch him anytime.
He put his arms above, showing defeat.
"Listen. Going back..Rejection comes with an edge of criticism, a judgment, a verdict from others that you are not good enough, not because of what you said or did, but because of who you are. Right?"
"You're hurting me more, Aaron" obviously not liking what he said. Who would?
"..Right?" he repeated
I sighed, "..Yes, you're right. Then?"
"And so you morph into "imposter" syndrome, where you constantly fear that others will see through you, realize you are not as competent or good as you present yourself as being, and it is only a matter a time before you get busted and are rejected...You wear a mask of competence and pleasantness to cover up your feelings of phoniness. You berate yourself for mistakes and try ever harder"
"I'm gonna start crying any moment now" I said on the verge of tears. I knew I wore masks to cover myself so that they won't know that the real me is actually a coward. But he..he found out that easily. Yet I can't even do that.
"Oh, Lou no. You don't need masks. You can just be yourself. Your cranky (which I find cute 'cause you're like a cat) timid and funny self. I guess you can be yourself, whatever that means-the best and worst of you. And they will love you anyway. You can fight, but even when you're mad at them, you know they're not going to stop being your friend. You just have to find real ones.." I was lost for words. The surrounding around us began turning into a light. Like Aaron's coming to get me out of this darkness.
"..Aaron.."
"So Lou..There's nothing wrong of being true to yourself" he pats my head and smiled genuinely. I guess I have to keep relying on him some more.
"What about you?" I asked.
"..What about me?"
"What are you most afraid of?" I questioned back what he questioned before. I was hoping for an answer, however, he looked pale all of a sudden.
"Aaron..?"
he flinched and said, "A-ah..ye..yeah..What?" as he covers his mouth with his hands. What suddenly happened?
"What are you most afraid of?" I asked again.
He just stared at me with those restless eyes. Did I made a bad move? A simple question can destroy everything, huh.
"Oh! Look at the time! That was a long talk. You ought to be home.."
"..Aaron.."
"Well then, I'll see you again next time. This is where we part, bye.." as he immediately left, walking fast until his shadow's can no longer be seen. I didn't know what happened. And I still wonder, what he's most afraid of. Some things are better left unknown, huh.