It's my first time playing on stage. I'm having my first ever competition called "Battle of Music". There were five competitors and I was the first to play which made me nervous. My hands are sweaty, trembling from the fear of making a mistake or being laughed at. My teacher was looking at me, mouthing "You can do it". It calmed me somehow. I sat on the piano bench and unconsciously let out a huge breath and relaxed my shoulders and fingers. I softly pressed the keys on the grand piano in front of me. I pondered what my Mom and I talked about before I got on stage.
"I have high expectations El, no mistakes" she said.
"Of course" I answered.
She nodded as she walks out of the stage to sit in front of me. The stage was quite small, enough for me and the piano to fit. Surrounding the stage, are the guests waiting for me to play.
My Mom was a prodigy. A marvelous, highly talented since she was a child. And since I'm her daughter, she expects high, wanting me to be the same as her.
She made me play the piano when I was six, expecting me to be a prodigy, like herself. I, myself had been hooked on the piano. The magnetic pull of eighty-eight white keys on my fingers was present even before my first piano lesson.
The itch in my fingers to play has only grown as I've grown older. I find myself seeking out to a place to play whenever I have free time and wherever I am: at school, friend's houses, and even on vacation. Sitting on the piano bench with my fingers on the keys, I am at home, even if I'm thousands of miles away from home.
I started playing Piano Concerto No. 1 that was composed by Tchaikovsky. It was tough, playing a Tchaikovsky piece with the age of a teen. A wave of serenity washes over me as I twiddle my hands for a second, deciding where on the keys to start. The world fades to the black and white of the keys in front of me. I've always loved playing the piano, how I can feel the music talking to me like I'm a music myself. Where did it all go wrong?
As soon as the last note was played, A round of applause was heard all throughout the place. I was feeling happy to hear the applause, but when I looked at my Mother. There weren't a hint of happiness on her face. I realized, I can never make her happy.
I got up and went down the stage to meet my mother and teacher. The other competitor was holding a violin. He was also around my age, I think. He was wearing maroon notch lapel tuxedo with a bow tie to match his suit. It seemed like he was having a mental breakdown, making his parents panic.
I wish my Mom's like that too. I ended up staring way too much at them, he noticed me, causing us to make eye contact. I coughed, walking past them to not make things awkward.
A voice behind me shouted:
"You did great. It was a beautiful piece!"
It was him. His parents was looking at me too. I smiled at them,
"Thank you. Good luck on your performance" I said and continued walking to where my mom is. As I sat down, my mother didn't even bother to talk to me or saying something like 'congrats'. Instead, my teacher complimented me about my performance.
It was him to play next. I study his movement as he raises his violin and bow consecutively. As he starts playing, people was stunned, even my Mom. The whole crowd was quiet when he started playing Caprice no. 5 composed by Niccolo Paganini. I was astonished, I don't know how to react. It was so beautifully played. He played it aggressively yet at the same time, calmly.
He lifted his bow as he finished playing. The crowd was silent, stunned then suddenly poured hundreds of cheer for him. Even my Mom's eye widened as soon as he started playing. I had never made her make a face like that. This was the first time. I felt my chest tighten the more I look at her.
Other competitors started playing but I think he was still the best among the rest of us. So much for my first competition, guess I'm not winning. The winner was about to be announced and wanted us all to stand on stage, like we didn't know who'll win. He and I were standing next to each other. I don't even want to talk to him and yet he's grinning looking at me. I continued looking in front, not minding him.
It was later announced that he won. Aaron. That's his name. It struck on my mind for it was easy to remember. And, I don't want to compete with him ever again. He makes me lose the confidence I had and wanting to wish I never entered the competition.
We got home with my mom remaining silent. I let out a deep sigh and then she looked at me. I sat down at the living room waiting for her to scold me.
"You played a wrong note earlier El. What were you thinking?!" she started, with her eyebrows furrowed.
"I'm sorry" I look down at my feet to avoid eye contact "I'll try better next time"
"You will " she ordered. "Why can't you be like the boy from earlier? You disappoint me"
Her words were barbaric. It struck me like a sharp object. I trembled, feeling the color draining from my face. As I thought, she'll never change.
My Mom suddenly became possessive when I was learning piano. She would force me to play difficult pieces. It started with Vivaldi, then Mozart and so on. She would not stop until I perfect the pieces, which made me feel suffocate. I slowly started not enjoying playing the piano. I played for she wants me to. To make her happy, if perfecting every pieces will make her happy then I'll do so. Until she smiles. Until she cries for the pieces I'll play.
"Mom, I still got 2nd place" explaining myself, showing her the certificate and medal.
"2nd place!? How will I be happy El?!" she yelled. "You will be joining lessons from tomorrow. Don't show yourself until you win 1st place" walking out of the living room.
I started crying as soon as she was gone. It has been like this since I was young. Not once was I comforted by my mother. It's all about music and nothing else.
"You'll be learning here El" my teacher said, showing me the way to my room. He'll still be teaching me, along with two students which will be introduce later.
We got inside and I couldn't believe what I'm seeing. The world really is small, huh. He was playing softly and beautifully, I couldn't take my eyes off of him. I remembered how my mom was also mesmerized by his play. I have this urge to be greater than him. I need to. To make my mom happy. To make her notice me and at least be proud of having me as her daughter.
"Oh, Nice day, isn't it?" he said, putting his violin down. "I'm Aaron Elias. I'll be in your care from now on" he shook hands with my teacher then looked my way.
He grins, recognizing me "You're from the competition. Nice to meet you"
I smiled, shaking hands with him as well. "Louella Hart" introducing myself. The other student arrived shortly after us. She was a also a pianist like me. A lively one, with wavy hair and quiet plump but extremely curvy. While I on the other hand, is nothing but bones. The day was quick, I didn't notice it was already sundown. I packed up my notes, ready to go home when Aaron talked to me.
"Are you going home immediately?"
I nodded yes, clearly not interested to what he has to say.
"So cold.." he groans scratching the back of his head
"I'll see you tomorrow" hitting my shoulders lightly as he smile.
He's kinda nice. Not my type of people though. I got home and took a nice warm bath. The bathroom had a full length mirror which made me always look how petite I was, with my long hair down to my abdomen. Looking like Wednesday from Addams Family. No wonder why my Mom won't even look at me. She won't recognize me as her daughter if I can't surpass her. I clearly need to be better. Better than my mom.
I don't want to think about this now. I got out of the shower and played the piano. The music consumes me as I progresses through each song until eventually I becomes one with the piano. I can see the music rushing through my veins while my fingers are flying across the keys. The total experience of seeing and hearing as well as feeling is so captivating; it is beyond words.