"I didn't want to kill her!"
I cry and tears are flowing on my cheek. I can't hold them back, and emotions overflow. I am starting to sob. I don't know what or who I'm actually crying about, I think this is the time, when I am fed up, and I've had enough of being strong. Pascal Hillard hugs me, and I cling to him. His shoulders are also trembling, and he begins to cry too. I cry until exhaustion, but even so, I have to comfort the man. It seems, I am not the only one who has to be strong on the outside, but inside there are a lot of things going on.
"Don't worry, it is not you, who killed her." He says, as he returns from the kitchen with tea and pie since I refused the whiskey.
"I'm not saying I killed her myself, but my carelessness drove her to death."
"We don't know for sure if she's dead yet." he says, but his knuckles become white, as he squeezes the teacup. He lies. The twins' father is a kind man, and wants to console me, but he, himself is blaming me.
"It's been a long time since she's gone. Since then, she could have dropped at least one call." I am mauling myself. "I saw the label of that medicine yesterday. She was suffering from depression, wasn't she?"
"Yes. She had depression. Quite sincere depression."
"Why?" I ask the doctor, but his gaze tells me, that the cause is not my business. "Sorry, I just wanted to know."
"It is okay, I tell you, but keep your mouth shut about this." He says with a warning tone.
"Yes, of course." I gulp form the nervousness. I'm prepared for the worst, and I just hope the reality doesn't get as bad as my fantasy.
"Vanessa Carpenter is a typical neglected child."
"But she has a caring family! Look, what kind of party they made her! I have never get such a big event, they are rich!"
"They could be rich, but they never treat their daughter well. They gave her a lot of money, but that girl was always alone. She had been already lived here, when I moved to the town with Ivo and Yvonne. They were so reserved, it was the effect of the death of their mothers, and my brother, so I wanted them to gather some self-confidence, so I brought them to the kid's martial arts class. We met Vanessa there. She was a cute girl, but she was also violent. A few of her teeth were missing. They were only six years old, so it was the time to change their baby teeth, but Vanessa was always too brave to attack the stronger kids, so those teeth were probably knocked out."
He goes to the display cabinet, and get off a picture.
"Look!"
There is the young Vanessa Carpenter on the picture. I have to say, her teethless smile is cute. Just like the kids' at this age, in my uncle's camp. Just like Jasmine. Her eyes shows her happiness and self-confidence.
"She looks like a cheerful kid."
"She was one. But there were signs, that she just wanted to get the best out of the situation. She was left alone."
"What do you mean?"
"Going to school, coming and going to the training class. She didn't even tell stories about her family. She made friends with Ivo and Yvonne, and me. We needed her cheerfulness after our sad past. Vanessa somehow managed to get under our skins. So when I noticed, she practically moved here."
"Did you live together?" I ask in amazement. Ivo and Yvonne didn't say a single word about it. They didn't mention Vanessa during the summer.
"She even has her own bed in Yvonne's room." He smiles at me. "Vanessa had a good influence on the kids. They both opened up, after spending their time with her. Vanessa had to spent one or two nights at home in a week, so her influence were visible, when she was not here."
"However, it could have been expensive. Raising three children instead of two." I say, as I recall the talks about money with my parents and my uncle. The doctor doesn't seem to be a rich person, who could afford such a big burden. No wonder Ivo and Yvonne couldn't afford the training camps.
"I already said that financially, her parents gave everything to Vanessa. Her care was also paid greedily."
"You don't mean you got money for the Carpenter girl who lived here, do you?"
"Why not? It was a cheaper solution, than putting her into a boarding school. The situation was mutually beneficial for us. The Carpenters didn't want to care about their daughter. They couldn't even stand each other. However, they did not want to shake it off because they would have been addressed. And this is a very big deterrent here! In return, they expected their daughter to occasionally attend one or two social events and behave."
"And was Vanessa able to do that?" I ask skeptically. As far as I knew her, that girl not only couldn't behave, but didn't want to.
"In the beginning, her attempts did not go well. She wasn't a girlish girl. She wasn't a tomboy at all, but making a lively girl to wear frilly dresses nad sit on her ass for hours quietly were not a good idea. Her mother was also tormented by Vanessa's behavior. I remember, when I was called to her to a mother-child teaparty. It is a popular monthly event for mothers with young children among the rich. You could imagine a Victorian party where the people are drinking tea, and talking about nothing important, but wearing expensive clothes to dazzle the others. So, her mother brought Vanessa there, and in the middle of the party she noticed a squirrel on a tree. She wanted to catch animal, and climbed the tree. You can imagine the rest. Her expensive dress was torn to pieces, and the other mother-child pairs looked at her quite condemningly."
"I presume her behavior at school was also pretty blatant."
"She couldn't even fit in smoothly among the rich kids! Vanessa was physically well trained in combat. The others were fairly good at verbal aggression already at the age of six. You might think these two didn't go well together!"
"Did her fight?"
"Of course. She was an open child with simple thinking. If she was hurt, she got hit. Rich moms and their pampered seedlings didn't like it either. But they were the stronger ones, and Vanessa always pulled shorter. Who knows where it would all have ended if Vanessa's younger brother hadn't been born. With the two boys, the parents were able to make their dreams come true while Vanessa was beautifully embezzled in the background. They didn't have to see her, and I raised three children instead of two. It was the best solution for everyone, with mutual benefits."
I can't say a word. Vanessa Carpenter was practically Pascal Hillard's daughter. I already understand why he cried. I can't even imagine his pain now that he doesn't even know where his daughter is, but he has to endure even the insecurity of not knowing if she's still alive at all.
"That's why I wasn't happy when you separated her from Ivo and Yvonne at the beginning of the summer." He tells me simply.
He resembles his daughter. Open an honest. Yes. I am forced to review my experience with Vanessa Carpenter based on what the doc said. Her personality was irritating, but the environment was also not the perfect for her to live. Probably she always had to protect herself from the others, so she developed shields. And I walked into the middle of it. There was no way a good thing could come out of that.
"I am sorry." I say. Not just to him, but to her daughter as well. Even if the latter can't hear it. "I was asked to take care of her." Morishita-san probably knew this society better, than me.
"What happened, happened. But it wasn't you, who killed her." The doc shrugs, but his eyes are full of tears. "You can't help Vanessa anymore, but for yourself still can."
"What do you mean?" I ask suspiciously.
"Still haven't figured it out? Not even after yesterday's party? Not even Vanessa's disappearance? These rich brats plays dirty. What you saw yesterday is just the tip of the iceberg. It was still a rather subdued amount of fun. There are things rougher in the deep, and I can't save you from them."
"I don't need you to save me. I am an adult. I will soon marry my love, and I am loved by my friends too. This company is a little freer sexually than my family, but I don't think it's too bad either."
"You're lucky that you're in the interest of the Savage and Harris clans. This will protect you from things going on here for a while. But not for long. There is a price to live a glittering life, and if you're willing to pay for it, I can't stop you."
"I think you're a little overreacting. Apart Vanessa Carpenter's inability to fit into this community, others can still do it smoothly. It's just a matter of will."
"Well, if that will can be all-encompassing, you will also be successful in integration."
"For example?"
"For example doing that, what that girl did in the dining room of the Carpenters."
My word suddenly stops. What does this doc know that Morishita-san also knew, but I have no idea?
"You know everything is available here and the money is not a problem to these children. What doesn't go with money can be solved on a friendly basis. Everything. Do you understand?"
No. I don't want to understand, but Pascal Hillard doesn't stop. He talks and talks, until the icy water run down to my ankles and I reach for the whiskey bottle.