Thank you God, for all the blessings in my life, for the driver who drove on my behalf for the last 3 races, for all the hard work of our race team paying off, all of the laps I have led, the races I have won, the career I have had, I would love to celebrate with them, would love to hug those nieces and spare them the sight of these machines and tubes, Help me cope with the change of life in the fast lane to how slow this all is, help me find who I am with out racing and maybe just maybe send me someone to love, I m sure my Dad must pry everyday for some grandchildren of his own and not just Tony's girls, Thank you for Tony and them living next door to become my best friend and brother, if I haven't said it enough I am so Thankful for my life and would really like it to be your will that I can return to living it please and Thank you, Amen.
Excitement of that great news lingered, less questions, less worry, just joy, happiness, feeling my heart racing, my body tingling, oh no, not again, those loud machine noises, am I coding? I guess this way I at least go out with joy but I thought that I would get goodbyes, and hugs, not good news and code.
"What's going on? Are we losing him?, Moose? Don't do this Brother, Don't Go, Moose!" Dude I love you, your a blessed man, hot wife, sweet daughters, is that a tear I feel, for real this time going down my cheek, do the dying release tears? "Nurse! Nurse! My son, what's happening?".
"Hello Sweetie, Let's see what's going on with you, shall we" Hello Darlene, I know your Angelic voice any where, was really hopeful that I would wake up and see your face and see if you look as sweet as you sound, but if this is good bye I know I will at least have your hand holding mine.
"I am sorry to request this gentleman but I need you to step outside and let us do our jobs" I herd them say yes at the same time, "Blood pressure up a bit, heart beats a little faster, all vitals are actually looking good, sweetie your not coding, looks like your coming too, sweet thing you are waking up." Can this be true? Will I see you? what am I feeling? Hunger pains? I am feeling hungry and thirsty, sweet Darlene I want to kiss you, in joy I am waking up, yes more good news, this is awesome, this is strange, excited for two different reasons, Thanks for staying with me Mom, I felt you here, with me and Dad, Love you always, till I am ready to come home I will miss you, you helped distract from the pain.
" I have hand movement over here sir." I know that touch, Hello Darlene, "That's it sweetie you can do it, keep trying, let's get those eyes open" My sweet talker, do you flirt with all the coma patients? or am I special? What's this, am I gagging, did I try and say that out loud? Her voice and touch is so enticing, I want to sit up, feel like I need to cough, feeling out of breath, like I can't breathe, how is this okay? how is this better? Is feeling panicked normal for this?
That ringing in the ears is back, there is a wave of major pain, dizziness, try to be calm, try to take a deep breath, wasn't aware of my throat hurting, "Replace the oxygen mask with a little ventalin" what? "Yes doctor" isn't that a puffer? I feel a need to swallow but can't, sore, dry, what is this other feeling? My eyes not even open yet and I feel tired, is that for real? They said a month right? Shouldn't I be rested?
What was all that? My eyes aren't open, machines have been made quite, music seems to still be on, sounds like talking in the hall.
" Hey sweetie, doing good, you are going to feel out of shape as your mind brings back to deal with the rest of the healing, hope it had you in a peaceful place, going to dim the lights, after being closed that long any light will be to bright".
Feeling overwhelmed, like I am feeling everything, with feeling hungry maybe a example of feeling everything is like taking little of everything on your plate at a buffet, only this is pain, dizzy, ringing in ears, is that ever going to go away and stay away? hungry, thirsty, tired which I don't understand.
What song is that? No way! I guess God has a sense of humor, that song it sounds like, yes it is, Shut up and drive, I guess I tried to really laugh because now I coughing and wanting to seat up.
In my coughing, my eyes do start to open, I know Darlene said that they would dim the lights but I saw really bright blurry flashes as I was still coughing, like my eyes weren't really trying to open.
A month of darkness, any amount of my eyes open was bright, almost painful a experience I would have to preferred to live without, but that was the point, I am alive and need to make sure it was worth it, not waste a second chance.
I feel like my head is spinning, like I was back in the crash, my coughing stopped, blurry yet dim, it's my room, I noticed I was losing a heightened awareness of alertness, feeling more pain, a dry sore mouth, hungry and thirsty, why does breathing hurt, am I moving my head? was trying to take in the room slowly side to side but more blinking then seeing.
My eyes doesn't seem to want to stay open, feels like some one is moving my bed up, "Welcome back, Mr Moose" Thank you Darlene my angel, I really hope I can talk to you soon, express my gratitude for your voice, your warmth, feels like I have fully opened my eyes but it's all a hazy blur of dim, maybe some outlines.
"Try and focus your eyes towards the sound of my voice sweetie" trying sweet thing, you have no idea how much I want to see you. Feels like I am blinking more then looking and I know the doctor is shining that bright light in my eyes " Pupils are still dilated, please make that noted on his chart, after that trauma we need to keep our eyes on it" what? after a month long coma I could still have a concussion? or do I have brain demage? will I get my vision back? Do other coma patients feel this way? Think this many questions?. "Yes,sir".
Feels a bit like a preface inspection, this time I know I only thought the laugh, I feel them checking my ears, reflexes, mainly feel tired, out of it, literally feel like I am starving, can't seem to talk, tell myself just breathe, did I move my head a little, really thristy, did I wiggle my fingers? Me and my need for speed, this is do slow, how long has this been? Where is Dad and Tony?
Tired, oh so tired, I drift to sleep, unsure of my dream, maybe it was the pain meds, but I just couldn't stay awake, when I did wake up, I noticed that I had really scratched my itchy nose, noticed my iv, it is my right hand.
My vision still blurry but I made out the out line and some color. I try again to scan the room, I see a clock kind of.
The radio seems to be on softly, these machines also seem to be more quietly beeping, room is dim but not spinning, unable to focus, not noticing details, this small observation seem to have made my eye lids very heavy, but I just opened them, here I go again, drifting back off to sleep.
Wish I could stay more alert, must be the meds for pain, this is normal right? My new normal, seems a few days have passed with me like this, not really awake or very alert long, in and out as they check me over like my car before the race, some mentions of my cuts and bruises healing most of those gone when in the coma but a few lingered I guess.
Heard talk of the last bit a swelling finally down, did my brain swell, was that what happened? Why the coma? Why the timing of waking up? Anyone want to explain how I stay more alert? My actual condition? I want to stay awake longer.
Feeding tube isn't out yet, still can't really eat, IV and catheter, am I really healing? is this going to be my life now? Tell me this gets better, how to eat and stop feeling hungry if I can't stay awake? Range of movement very little, itched my nose, hold bed rail, right arm only. No movement with my left arm, unaware of any movement in my legs, the feeling is like being stiff and sore, barely move my head side to side, haven't really lifted my head.
Staff keeping the lights low, my eyesight still blurry with no way to tell them, I feel like crap but clinging to the gratitude that I am alive and out of the coma.
I guess the rest will continue to be be a very slow recovery process, like baby steps, my mind trying to prepare for this like a mantra for race day, from being fast to a stop like a red flagged race, to a crawl like extra caution laps for a drying track, yet here I go again, drifting back off to sleep, I guess flat lining takes it's toll on the body and mind, I feel truly shocked at how tired I am, but I guess rest is the key to healing. This time I am gentle on myself and let myself fall asleep instead of trying to fight it so much.