I am awakened to a nurse putting drops in my eyes, it's so bright I am not even sure this is still ICU were they had kept it dim for me.
"Good morning sir", says the nurse, as I try to bring my eyes into focus, to look at who is speaking, or at least that direction, "I have some throat spray for you sir, we'd like to see if it can help get you at least talking and on your way to eating."
Food and drink would be nice, " please open wide for me sir, fair warning sir this could feel like stinging for the first little bit before it numbs, and we may need to spray a few times" at least I have been warned, I open my mouth and open wide, discovered shooting pain with in my jaw as I opened, must of suffered a broken jaw.
"Thank you sir, going to spray a couple times, yes it tastes yucky, alright there you go, now to mark your chart that it's done and the time, your in good hands here, your recovery process will continue here in your new pirvite room, welcome, My name is Florence" I take a deep breath wanting to say hello, and nothing but air comes out.
"Can you try and say ah for me please?, I know it may not happen right away so please don't get to frustrated, just keep trying and we will spray again a few times, ok?"
AAAHHH...AH...AAAHHH... Nothing! Not a peep, just the stinging in my throat, AAAHHH...AH...AAAHHH... Just air leaving my body with no sound, deep breathe and again AH..AH..AH Don't know how long I tried, don't know if anyone could see how hard I tired... NOTHING!, DEEP BREATH!
"Sir, let's do anything spray, open wide please" I guess Florence did notice, more stinging, again from the last swallow of the spray it hurt, like when I was a kid with strep, only this may hurt worse then that did and I don't have ice cream.
AAAHHH...AAAHHH... Nothing! Feels like we were at it for at least a hour, try ah, spray, repeat. Didn't count how many sprays, I may have gotten use to swallowing again as the pain and stinging did seem to become less, one more spray then numb feel no pain from my throat, ok here we go again, take a deep breath, please let this work "A...H.." was that a sound? a peep? "A...H..." that doesn't really sound like my voice, it's really rough and raw, maybe I got used to being in my own head, maybe my inner voice is different from my speaking voice, but it is a small victory and more must be on it's way, just slowly healing.
"Good job sir!, I'm going to adjust your bed a little, to sit you up a little more, now that you have swallowed the spray we can try a drink of water" I nod my head, the small slow movement of sitting up hurts more then I thought, I guess I am very broken and blessed to be alive, I feel like in some way like this is starting over, as if a rebirth, "Ok sir, bed adjusted, I have my rounds, but keep trying to talk, the more sounds you can make the better, then you can tell us what areas still hurt and how you feel, ok?"
"O....K.." My vision still blurry but I can see a smile, "Good Job Sir! I will be back shortly with some water, let's you get used to setting up" I took a deep breath, I closed my eyes, must have fallen asleep again as it felt like barely any time had passed before Florence was back with water.
"Ok, sir, nice and slow try and take a drink of water from this straw" I wrap my lips round the straw eager to drink, I have felt very thirsty, it's frustrating as I struggle, was it this hard growing up? When I was little was it this hard to learn drinking from a straw? Have others been this weak? I don't want to be the only one.
"I see it in your eyes sir, just nice and slow, no rush needed, relax and don't push it so hard and it will happen." I follow the advice, feeling... what is that word, the feeling of less then, beneath where I should be.. dejected? Yet like a toddler I do, I slowly take that suck of the straw followed by a swallow, it seems to have made the wave of thirst worse, thankfully the spraying has my throat nice and numb so no pain just a very impatient me, needing to be kinder to myself.
The drink of watering is so refreshing I find myself trying to finish the whole cup, I guess I had started to go faster when Florence told me to "slow down sir, your journey to heal is to fully heal, not to improperly, quickly, over push creating ongoing issues, but slowly and meanly heal completely, I know your thing is speed Mr Moose, I have heard the other nurses talking about the racer in room 307, but helping patients heal is my thing, your in good hands."
I felt guilty, yes to impatient for my own good, I went back to finish that cup of water, slowly, with out choking from not using any of my muscles since the crash. Like a child I had to accept that everything the staff here is doing is for my own good. The drink was a accomplishment that I was celebrating, looking at it now thinking of it of that one step closer to going home, one step closer to celebrate the year end banquet to thank me team for all their hard work, we did it, I closed my eyes and pictured holding the trophy over my head, but drifted off to sleep, dreaming of that night.
Not sure how long I slept, it felt refreshing and not tiring, hope that is a step in the right direction, a nurse was in the room writing down something, could make out it wasn't Florence, I wanted more water and tried to get there attention "W...A...T..E..R.., P..l..e..a..s.e" I wasn't very loud for very long, and it was still rough and raw, I haven't tried as much as I should, I mean I keep falling asleep.
"Yes Mr. Moose" He sounded young, when he came back in the haze that was my current still blurry eyesight I did mange to kind of get a look, he helped me with my head to get the straw in my mouth and I drank with out stopping till the whole cup was gone, no rush just slow, breathed after swallows and got refreshed, when done he helped my head back to the pillow gently.
"Good Job Sir!" Very respectful staff, "T...H...A..n..k..s", guess volume control needs work too, this really feels like starting over. "Chart has a question mark about a meal and if feeding tube comes out tomorrow, so Mr Moose if the rest of the water goes like that during my night shift, there's a really good chance on it."
My luck it will be baby food and not a burger and fries, or pizza, wings, a really good stake, damn if I wasn't feeling hungry before now I am extra hungry.
I'm not sure why but now I seemed a little more awake and alert, I wasn't falling back to sleep as much, David was talking about his second year studies in medicine, I could tell he was moving my arms and hands, the fingers down to my legs and toes, could tell but not all parts I could feel, I tired small words to take part in some of the conversation, it was nice, he explained that in this ward my Dad had to go home at night and when visiting hours are, he didn't mention my injuries as much as just noting the healing that already occurred, clueless about what exactly was wrong with me, but did I really need to know, I reminded myself just be grateful your alive.
I had manged to say hi and ok, he thinks some time during day shift I will say my name, they really do seem to see you, watching for ques, like the way you blink or squint, the restless movement of trying to do more and push hard, like my race team in tune with understanding the sound of engine what's right, what's wrong, working together to get it right, only this is a health team.
I drank another cup of full water and then slept the rest of the night. morning came Florence back on shift, awake when she entered, started with a weak 'hi.." "good job moose" she dropped the sir, is she having a bad day already? "have your morning eye drops and cup of water" i don't know but I think I smiled as i replied "ok", "nice job moose, soon we won't be able to get you to stop talking, and yes it's a joke, we need you to tell us things" maybe dropping sir and just calling me moose is her way of flirting? Wait should i be thinking that?
A full half day awake, head way, however before lunch i was given my pain meds, still iv dip and took what i feel was a two hour nap, could be less, could be more, not sure and trying not to dwell.
I swear I hear dad and Florence just outside the room door, "You're looking a lot better today son!" Why do i feel like I missed him when I know he has been here. 'heard you have been more awake, and making head way in talking too, that's great news son" let's see if I can put two words together "tha..nks..d..a..d".
To often I wonder if I am normal for a coma patient, my quest to stand out and be a legendary, break records who knew it would come to this, wanting to be normal, or I guess closer to my normal of not being so helpless. I need to be ok with this slow pace so I stop getting so frustrated at myself.