Alex laid awake on the bed. She still felt shaken by all the emotions she never knew she still had. She thought she buried them a long time ago.... that she had moved on from it but lately, Robbie had revived it again.
She suddenly hated herself. A tear fell from her eyes. She couldn't risk herself to fall for him knowing it would never last.
He was gay...
Whatever they had was just... desires. Something that was not filled up for so long and probably could be filled when the right partner comes.
She's not for him. She would never be... as she believed. Kenneth might be the one for him or some other guy out there he hadn't met yet.
But then, why was she bothered by what he said?
"I'm not gay, Alex..." he had said when they were at the basement.
"No, Alex. You got to stop this. This is insane!" and she didn't realize her tears had trickled down her cheeks.
What was she doing? She felt so stupid.
She wiped the tears from her eyes and heaved a deep sigh.
"This is ridiculous!" she told herself as she opened a window and stared outside to the sea. She needed the cool air to relax... and hopefully would take away the sudden pain she was feeling.
Why was she feeling so sad? It was not as if she and Robbie could have a chance. She should not feel this way. This was not supposed to happen...
As she stared out to the sea, she didn't notice that Robbie was in the balcony of his room. He saw her as she wiped her face.
Was she crying? Why? Was it because of him?
He wanted to talk to her but when he was about to call her attention, she closed the window and she was gone.
'F-k this!' he cursed silently.
He couldn't take it anymore.
Sleep had not come to him eversince she walked out of his room and he was left with so many questions that he wanted answers. He couldn't endure another hour of not knowing, so he closed the doors to the balcony and walked back in his room.
Striding quickly to the door of his room, he opened it and almost ran towards where Alex was. He knocked on her door.
"Alex?" he called and waited. His patience was wearing off as he paced outside the door. He didn't know if he needed to just barge in or wait outside.
A minute later, she opened the door and he stopped pacing. He turned to her.
"Robbie, what-"
She wasn't able to finish her sentence because he had cupped her face and captured her lips in a passionate kiss. It lingered on for awhile as she held onto his neck and pulled him closer. They kissed as long as time had allowed and Robbie was the one to pull away, as he bit his lip, savoring her taste in his mouth.
Out of breath, he placed his forehead on hers.
"S-Sorry," he whispered. "I just thought... I had to give you a proper goodnight kiss."
She chuckled. "That was... one hell of a kiss."
Robbie smiled and gazed at her. She smiled back at him.
"Have you been crying?" and his thumb caressed her cheek.
She looked away. "It-It was nothing."
"Were you crying because of me?"
She pulled away from him and forced a laugh.
"Why would I cry because of you?" she asked, trying to hide what she felt.
'He didn't need to know. It's not worth it,' she told herself and she bit her lip to stop herself from crying in front of him.
"I don't know, Alex. You tell me. Did I ever hurt you?"
"Well... considering this morning, you were kind of mean to me," she laughed half-heartedly. She was trying to sound funny but Robbie didn't laugh along with her.
He reached out for her hand and pulled her close to him.
"Have you still been thinking about it?" he asked as he looked for the answers from her eyes. But she lowered her gaze.
"It was nothing, Robbie. I think we just need to sleep on it," and she smiled faintly, pushing him slightly but he held her tighter.
There was something she was not telling him and he was desperate to know... so desperate to hear her say it.
"Alex, tell me. Why are you crying? Have you felt it? Please tell me."
"Robbie, please. Stop asking. I'm fine, okay," and she pushed him harder as tears trickled down her cheeks.
"Alex..." and he tried to pull her to him again but this time she pushed him much harder than before causing him to step back.
"STOP IT, ROBBIE!" and she quickly went inside the room. "Goodnight. I'll see you in the morning."
The door closed on his face. He placed his forehead on the door as he heard a small sob behind it.
Why wouldn't she let her tell him how she felt? Why was it so hard for her to admit it?
How many times does he have to show to her how much he loved her? That he wanted her?
He slammed on the door once and went back to his room.
He hated the media.
He hated everything that went wrong between them.
If things didn't happen the way it was then maybe she had seen him differently. Maybe they were happy together.
Maybe... and he heaved a deep sigh as he settled himself on his bed. He suddenly found himself yearning for her as he placed his hand on the empty space she had once occupied. Clutching a pillow, he took it and tried to smell the scent she had left on it as he closed his eyes and forced himself to sleep.
*************
"Mom... Mom..." Sasha called as she sat up from the bed. "Where are you, Mom?"
"I-I'm here, honey," Alex answered back as she wiped the tears from her eyes.
"Are you crying?"
"No, honey. Just go back to sleep, okay?" and she slid her body beside her daughter.
The girl felt something was wrong and she placed her arms around her waist.
"I love you, Mom. Did Dad hurt you?"
She remembered the last thing Robbie asked her and she couldn't tell her the truth.
She was indeedly hurt. Not because he intentionally did but because she had done it to herself. She was being foolish.
"N-No. Why did you ask that?"
"Well... I just thought since he was the last one you talked to... maybe you had a really bad argument about something that would make you cry like that."
Alex cupped her little face.
"Thanks, hon. But your Daddy did nothing wrong. In fact, he was trying to comfort me.. I was just missing your Aunt Clarice."
She lied.
"Then why don't you call her?"
"Maybe later, I will. Now, go to sleep, okay?"
"Okay, Mom," and Alex wrapped her arms around her little waist.
It would be a big day and she hoped she could endure it while she could...
If only her feelings for Robbie would not surface once again... then it would be easier to pretend that she loved him.