I open my eyes, breathe.
I go to the buffet, I search around the top deck, I even go back to Deck five where Tasmin and I were dancing together not too long ago. Tasmin isn't there.
But I realise: It was a mistake to go looking for revenge, channelling all the emotion I had into planning for something I knew I couldn't do. Because when all is said and done, I can't kill the person who I realise has been keeping me alive this whole time, even when I didn't or refused to realise it.
All I really needed to do was remember my mum, everything she did for me, the times that she lit up the darkness of my world. As I'm thinking, I feel a pain in my side. It might be a stitch, but it could be more.
It's hard to breathe.
The reason I'm still here is to live the life my mother couldn't live, and be with the person in my vision, the vision sent by my mother.
On the top deck, I tilt my head to the sky.
Thank you, mum.
Then I keep running, because I know where the hell Tasmin is. Well, no. I know who has her, because I'm too late. Too late to complete my mission. Ally and SBD and Boss and the rest of the crew discussed this while I was out, but I came back to the headquarters early, and I overheard the final stage of this plan.
Take down Kelly if Tenacity fails.
This is it. The final stage. The last, unmentioned step, only to be carried out if I were to fail. But who am I to blame the Reprisal? I chose to join, I chose to reveal my life to them, and I chose to take this path, however good my intentions were at the start.
And now Tasmin's in danger because of me.
I blink back tears, wishing that they'd either stay inside my body or be carried away by the wind. I want them anywhere but on me. I'm not the one that should be crying, and no one in this world should be crying for me.
I'm going to set things right.
I'm not going to kill Tasmin Kelly, the girl who murdered my mother.
In my head the moments replay: my mother collapses, she's red, in fever, she's mumbling, confused, she's frail and barely conscious. She's under the hospital lights' glow, in a white bed with white clothes in a white room. Everything is white. And she was bright. And after she left, my world fell into darkness.
I couldn't find the brightness in the dark, and it should've been obvious. I reach for the brightness now.
"TENACITY!"
Ally
I'm done with this.
I call out to Harry, because there's no one else I want right now.
When my world fell apart he was given to me. The only friend who gave his all into making sure I was okay, when things clearly weren't. The only one who'd stay up into the early hours of the morning to reassure me when no one, not even my own supposed family would.
The death of his mother sent Harry into pits of despair, and I still can picture the scars on his wrist clearly in my mind, along with his furrowed brows, messed-up hair, bags heavy and dark beneath his eyes. It's because of… her.
But I can't kill her either.
I also can never tell him what really happened. And it hurts to know that most of what I've ever said to him has been purely lies… words of manipulation. Because that's what I'm good at. And he'll never believe me again. But I love him more than my innocence.
I call out his name again.
Harry
"Tenacity!" Ally calls a second time.
I turn, slowly. I don't know how I look when I turn, but it scares her. There's a pleading in her eyes, and it yanks at my heartstrings. There's something in them that reminds me of how hopelessly pitiful her life was before the Reprisal. Before she had the confidence to pin me against a tree and kiss me; and steal my first kiss.
It doesn't matter. I stand my ground.
"Where is she?" I demand.
She kind of hobbles over to me and takes my hand. I try to shake her away, but after she doesn't let go, I realise I don't want to hurt her.
"Listen to me, Tenacity –"
"Tell me where she is, Ally."
"Ten –"
"Stop it. Don't call me that name."
She drops my hand then. "It's the only name I've ever had for you. You're proud of that name!"
"Like the hopeless person I was, Ally." The truth hurts, and I see it on her face.
"You don't mean that."
"And you can't kill her."
We stare. Ten seconds pass. Twenty. "You're right." She sighs, walks over to me. We're face-to-face now. She pats my pocket. The pocket with the gun. "That's your job."
I clench my fists, looking straight into Ally's big brown eyes. "I won't."
Her eyebrows scrunch together. "You can't or you won't?"
"I –"
She starts to shake her head at me, backing away. "After all that, Reprisal –"
"Don't – Don't finish that sentence. I don't wanna hear about them."
"You're just scared of the guilt, Harry. You always have been!"
"STOP IT."
"I won't. I won't stop." She's in front of me, her eyes are down-turned. She's taken my hand, and I don't have it in me to let go. "Come on, Harry. We've been… You've been preparing for this for so long…"
I flick my head away. "I didn't know what I was thinking, joining your…"
She takes a step towards me. I'm too slow to back away from the peck she brands on my lips. I touch them as I stumble backwards. They have lipstick on them.
"We've always been there for you, Harry." She seems to withdraw after that. "But I'm sorry."
"Sorry for what?" I feel my breath quickening, my heart rate rise and rise. "What did you do with Tasmin?!"