Today is the month of golden brown. October... October is the month that indicates new season. I always read that there was something sad and beautiful about October, because usually this is the ending and the beginning of things. And me personally, I always find October as the saddest month. The month that my Abuela died. The month that took her in her end.
With heavy breath I continue walking, although my feet are so heavy as well as my heart I still find courage to be here and visit her. Not exactly on the place were she was buried but at least I can feel her presence. It's been years, and this become part of my life while living as Cami Xena. Sighing, I walk towards the huge white cross here in the cemetery, I silently put down the coliquet flower that I bought. That flower that I used to adore because of it's bloody color not until that day. The they were I can only see coliquet around while everyone are crying in melancholy.
"I'm sorry..." I whisper and my tears rolled down on my cheeks
This is my weakness. Abuela is my weakness and I'm always emotional during this month, this is the saddest point of my life and I always suffer this every year. I choose to suffer this year because that's the only thing that I can do.
"I'm really sorry for leaving..." I mumble hearing the familiar accent tone of my voice that I'm trying to hide.
Hearing myself repeating the same words I utter last year makes me cry harder. There's nothing else I could do, I can't speak more words for me to consoled her. For me to say how sorry I am. Aside from apologies, I can't think of another way. I can't defend myself because I choose to run away. I choose this mistake and I can't do anything to console myself. Sorry,can't and will never consoled myself.
"I'm really sorry Abuela, I hope you already forgive me" I murmured
I tighten my grip with the black umbrella I'm holding. Forgiveness, that's all I ask although I don't know if I could give it also to others. I'm hypocrite if I claimed that I'm forgiving, because honestly, I am not.
Well, that's human nature. We wanted to be understood yet we don't know how to understand others. We wanted to be consoled yet we don't know how to console others. Selfish? Yes, most of us are selfish.
I dry those tears on my cheeks and eyes and I smile. A genuine smile that I always saw from her since I was young.
"Viscos will surely visit you, sorry if I can't do the same. I'm too far from you" I hissed with a laugh
If I really can visit her grave, then I will surely visit her without second thought. But sadly, I can't do that especially in my situation right now. I can't gave her a ceremony, all I could offer is prayer in this big white cross. I am close to giving up after a month of living alone. My nightmares always strike and I feel so unsafe. Those memories that I buried long time ago keep on coming back. It's worst than before and I thought I can't make it. But then I learn to stand on my own, I learn to protect myself from those people around me with the help of Viscos. And those sufferings from my past makes me more stronger. It becomes my strength and at the same time my weakness. My 'whys' in life helps me to find reason to survive.
I shook my head as I took a deep breath and a white small stone caught my gaze so I get it and use the black marker to wrote something on the stone and put it inside my bag. I guess I need to go. I still have an errand in school. With heavy heart, I walk away leaving the coliquet flower ans the lighted candle. Just same feeling as before and I get used to it already.
I arrive in school at exactly 8 o'clock in the morning. I head straight to the cafeteria to meet Ella. She called me last night and ask me to eat breakfast with her. I think, she wanted to make up with me since we had a misunderstanding. I didn't ask her about Sabrina, and I'm not sure if she really know about it.
The corridor is quite messy and the screaming voices from those students is kinda irritating. Philca is still open for outsider that's why. I thought yesterday is the last day. But maybe now? If I'm not mistaken. This month is my preparation for the competition.
But my eyes narrowed as I saw Andrius walking with his group of friends. He's alive? When did it happen? I thought he was already buried six feet under the ground? He went out of sight for weeks and it's so annoying seeing him laughing as if nothing happen. I mentally shake my head and look away when his gaze turn to me.
"Hey Cami! " He greeted me instantly with his coy smile on his face
Okay. What can I do? I just wish I'll turn into dust.
"Hey Cami! You didn't watch our game" an unknown guy said as if we know each other so my gaze goes to him
Their game? What game? I wasn't inform. I press my lips together as I saw Andrius hit his shoulder lightly.
"Where's Ella by the way?" Andrius ask coolly
"I'm quite busy this past few weeks, sorry I'm not able to hang out with you" he added while scratching his nape and smiling shyly to me
Pardon? Did I heard him right? I wanted to laugh, seriously. We're not even close. He's so assuming for thinking that we really wanted to hang out with him. I don't even want a friend.
I force myself to smile and nod my head.
"No worries. Me and Ella is actually happy without you. We're not Sabrina" I plainly reply and his smile immediately fade away
His friends become silent so I smile again. I wonder how Sabrina likes him? That woman, she's not thinking. I step closer to him and tapped his shoulder before I decided to leave, but before I could take a step he grab my arm and hold it firmly.
Wrong move...