The common room was taken by the seniors, after ushering the others out of the premises. Mirha was there too, Hadi had noticed immediately, as the sophomores and a few freshmen, collecting their things filed out, but she didn't seem to be aware of his presence. This only caused frustration for he was beginning to notice even the smallest of things, things he had never paid any heed to before. Annoyed at the fact that Mirha didn't see him even though he was in the same freaking room, and the fact that he had, Hadi told himself he didn't care any less, as if it needed frequent reminding.
When everybody finally settled down, a guy dumped all the snacks and drinks on the centre table from some duffel bags, which was followed by an incessant discussion about the viva they'd just gotten done with. It was the final module, a mere month left of the four years long period of their university lives. It was finally coming to an end.
The hostelites, having spent more time with the people they'd found in this place as friends in the rooms and corridors of this very institute, that they resented with passion, than the others who came only to attend classes, needed a break to come to terms with this sudden and yet gradual and imminent change about to happen in their lives.
Hadi had lived his freshman year in the hostel, his family being in Quetta where he'd spent his life up till then, his father already arranging his business to a settlement in the capital. The city of his forefathers was deprived from basic resources: electricity, gas, advanced education, and Hadi's father - a man with a vision - set out to inaugurate solar panels, planting them to be accessible for public and not confined to only the rich.
When his years of hard work finally paid and he stood with a flourishing merchandise and transactions with the government for the arrangement of the equipment, he appointed a supervisor for the branch in the city and moved to the capital for further promotion in the government sector, and in the hope of striking a deal with the private traders.
Hadi moved out of the hostel at the end of the year but his friends remained the same; Rafay and Leila. Sasha spent most of the time with Leila, sometimes staying over in her room, and on weekends went with Hadi. Bilal, on the other hand, despite having his family in the same city lived with the others, simply for the fun of it. Ma'az was the only outsider, but he had tagged along enough to be familiar with all the twenty five students who resided in the rooms.
Now as they lounged in the common room and the sun descended outside the glass window, creating a mosaic of orange and black, red and yellow, students exiting the campus, heading home, the hostelite seniors after discussing the viva, sat discussing the fresh gossips from the other departments, future plans, and the past that had all but long gone.
"Let's play never have I ever, yeah?" Maya, a dyed blond, with curly long hair, perked up, stretching her legs as she leaned back on the wall, crossing one ankle over the other.
A few groans issued and the rest remained silent.
"Come on, what are you, a girl?" Ma'az made a sour face as he took a swig of the mineral water.
Maya raised her perfectly made brow. "Excuse me?" She said, "That's offensive, dude."
He raised his hands up in surrender and grinned as he put the bottle down. "My bad, sorry, of course you are a girl."
"No seriously, let's go with it. Sarim, a bespectacled broad shouldered guy, with close cropped hair interjected, looking around at the rest, "It's time we squeeze all the secrets out to savor them when we're gone. I'm going to remember this Amjad here, by the sex he had all over the place."
Taken by surprise, Amjad started. "Fuck man, you weren't supposed to-"
Sarim cut him off, not being the least bit affected by his protests. "You guys wouldn't know, when he came back after the year break, the sophomore he shared his room with was like 'Hey, I had sex here and here and here," Sarim faked his voice and pointed around the room and laughed, "Amjad was so disgusted he literally made sure the room was scrubbed clean. The guy sleeps in horror now, probably sick with the image in his mind. Honestly though, Amjad it's time you have a girl of your own in there, or I won't stop scandalizing you."
A few snickers arose while others simply made disgusting faces.
"We're supposed to share secrets of our own, not reveal that of the others." Amjad hissed as he grabbed a bottle of beer from the table.
"Okay everybody," Sasha clapped, all excited by the idea, "get your glasses filled, we're going to start in-"
"And here comes the one who literally eats on others secrets." Laughed Daniel, the only Christian from their batch.
"Shut up, sucker." Sasha frowned, throwing him a withering look.
They all started passing around the beer, filling it in their glasses, and when Leila passed it onto Ma'az he shook his head and showed the bottle of mineral water in his hand.
"Seriously, Ma'az?" Leila scowled. "You're going with water? Take any juice at least."
Ma'az grinned. "No I'm fine."
"Okay," Sarim spoke up again, with a mischievous glint in his eyes, "Who's gay here? Spit it out, spit it out. It's nothing to be ashamed of, it's who you are, come on."
"Nobody is, now shut up." Aasim said. "Now get on with the game already."
"The one who has a problem is the one who's guilty." Sasha smirked.
"Yeah okay, let's see who's been single all through four years."
"Sarah for one." Maya said with a pointed look in her direction.
"Yeah because nobody from here is good enough. And I'm engaged, just so you know." Sarah rolled her eyes.
"You just made that up." Hadisa spoke up.
"I did not."
"We want proof." Amjad shrugged.
"Okay," Sarah nodded, "I'll call my mother and I'll put the speaker on loud."
She then called her mother, and told her that her friends weren't believing she was engaged, to which her mother laughed and announced it was true that she was, providing everybody with the name of the person along with all the biodata.
"So that's settled." Sarim said. "Who's next."
"Umm," taking a bite from the sandwich, Ma'az looked to his right, pointing innocently, "Hadi."
Hadi raised his hands in surrender and smirked, "Well, now that you know,"
Bilal looked at him wide eyed, and putting a hand on his shoulder, said quietly, "are you-"
Hadi shrugged.
"Well then how else do you explain that you're still fucking single?" Amjad raised his eyebrows.
"I don't like anybody."
"But you liked Rohina Jawwad enough to kiss her?"
"Okay guys," Hadi sighed, dragging a hand through his hair, "I didn't mean to, alright? I was drunk."
"Yeah," Sarim laughed, "we hear you."
"If I were, I wouldn't have kept it a secret, come on guys move on from me." Hadi said, getting slightly annoyed.
"Okay guys, let's not mess with Hadi, but-"
"Start the game already," Maya groaned, "nobody's gay Sarim, cut it out."
"Fine fine, but don't come to me some fifty years later that you've found out that one of us didn't marry cz they're gay."
"We won't."
"Okay, I'll start." Sasha said, growing impatient, "Never have I ever crashed a wedding."
Hadi took a swig of his drink and settled back against the wall, noticing that Bilal had grown unusually quiet, and every now and then spared him a strange look, that perturbed Hadi. He made a mental note that he'd ask Bilal later.
He had crashed a wedding once with his cousin, when he was in highschool, without getting caught. He still cherished the memory for it had been quite fun.
A few shots later, when Leila was already half drunk, she perked up and looking around at everyone, said in a dreamy voice. "Does anybody here have ever been in love?"
That shut everybody up, though someone snickered, Hadi didn't turn to see who it was, and closed his eyes as he rested his head against the wall.
"How does it feel guys? What is one supposed to do, when it's not simply infatuation or obsession, when it's more than that?" Leila looked around, her eyes skirted over everyone as they stared back at her.
"Confront the person, what else?" Sarim shrugged as he took a swig from his glass, even though the game had been paused.
"What if it's not easy?" Leila raised her eyebrows.
"What if you simply can't because it's not possible?" Bilal spoke up after a long time.
"First off, in no circumstances can it be not possible, Bilal. You just have to go and tell the person you love them. And if they'd return your feelings, then happily ever after. And if they don't-" Sarim took a dramatic pause as he took another sip, "clearly it's the person you spend a sufficient amount of time with, hence your feeling, they would be considerate enough when they'd explain they're not interested themselves. Then you'd have to move on, because really there's nothing else that you could do."
"Even when you see that person, and you're reminded all the time that you want to be with them?" Leila asked, peering at Sarim. "How can you expect the person to move on in that case."
Sarim thought for a moment, and then shrugged, "Well then, try to distance yourself from the person, so you'd see less of them and be reminded even less."
"What if you don't want to lose that other thing you have with them, what if it's too much to lose?" Sahir said, with a sad glint in his eyes.
"Then you have to bear with it, what else. You'd have to be brave enough if you love someone you can't get." Sarim shrugged, "For there is more to life than just romantic love. You have a family to be happy with, involve yourself there, and marry off wherever your parents want you to. As simple as that."
Leila nodded as she gulped down the beer from the bottle, and then putting it back on the table she wiped her mouth with her hand. "I think I'll be back in a minute."
"Yeah before you go though, let me break it to you Leila Jan that you're caught. Just give a call to whoever the fuck he is, and trust me life is going to be easy." Sarim smirked.
"Yeah thank you." Leila gave an energetic nod and walked to the door.
"You too, Bilal, you have something going on." He winked as he pointed a finger at Bilal, and all his friends turned to stare at him wide eyed. Sasha was more fascinated and curious than she could ever be.
"Fuck off." Bilal growled and averted his gaze.
Hadi made another mental note, as he wondered if he'd better leave, this stupid discussion had just made things harder for him.
"And you too, man." Sarim raised his eyebrows as he looked at the person to his right.
"Shut up." Sahir muttered as he kicked him on the shin.
Sarim turned to look at Hadi who had risen to his feet and was now walking towards the door. "Where are you off to?"
"Will be back in a minute." Hadi replied, looking over his shoulder, where he'd paused by the door.
Sarim's eyebrows flew up. "Hey! Fucking Hadi Maher you too!"
Hadi frowned, turning around. "What?"
"So many people in love, holy fuck! What is this place."
Ignoring the bewildered looks others gave him, Hadi walked out and didn't see the shocked face of Bilal who looked like he'd just seen a ghost.
Once outside, he sighed, swearing at Sarim who was literally the male version of Sasha, and walked to the elevator. He halted in his steps once his eyes landed on Leila, her back at him, as she sobbed into her hands, sitting on the stairs that went down the floor.
He went to her and sat down one step higher.
"Hey, Leila?"
She looked up, hair all plastered to her face and neck, tears glistening. Shaking her head, she said, her voice broke, "What am I doing, Hadi?"
Even though he had no idea what it was about, he didn't say, and tucking her hair behind her ear, he cleared her face and spoke softly, "come on, let's get you to your room."
"No, it's just-"
"It's okay, everything's going to be okay, you need rest, it's been a long day." Hadi gripped her by the shoulders and pulled her up.
"My viva wasn't that good, you know." Leila sniffed as she choked back another sob, allowing Hadi to help her walk. "Professor told me I was pathetic."
"It's okay."
"Everything's just triggering me, I don't know." She shook her head, wiping her face with the back of her hands, as they walked into the elevator. "How do you do it, Hadi?"
"Do what?"
"I know you're distracted. And that you're in denial, but you're distracted nevertheless. How do you keep your mind off her and do so good in the exam? I am not even able to focus properly."
Hadi let out a soft laugh. "Probably because Leila, no such thing is happening. You've got it all wrong."
For a moment she paused, and stared up at him. "Keep on lying. We'd know pretty soon." She finally said, voice low and flat.
Hadi didn't reply and came out of the lift, holding on to Leila, he walked her to the girl's hostel.
Once there, she said she'd go on her own, and turned into the corridor, the female guard was staring at him with suspicion clearly visible in her eyes. Hadi watched until Leila disappeared out of his sight and then turned to leave.
He had walked only a little further from the hostel when he stopped dead in his tracks, frozen to the ground. His entire body tensed.
Far to his right, a little way from the gate, on a bench under a tree, sat Mirha hugging a guy, whose face he couldn't clearly see, but he had recognized Mirha on a single glance. The girl in a red scarf, could only be her.
There was fire in his veins, in his mind and in his heart, his blood had frozen. The longer he kept his eyes strained on the sight in front, the more he felt like he was going nuts. He couldn't see, couldn't believe. Anger surged in, laced with disappointment and something akin to disgust. She pulled away from the guy, laughing and rose to her feet, as the person too, stood up.
Hadi was supposed to be her first, supposed to be the only who could've touched her, been allowed to touch, or was there never a chance of being the first? Was she a makeshift pious hoe after all?
Chest rising and falling, falling and rising, he clenched and un-clenched his fingers, trying to calm himself down, never once tearing his gaze from her and the person she was with, as the two of them walked to the gate.
Hadi watched with unwavering patience even though it felt like being dragged over her heart, as Mirha waved at the person who exited the gate, said something to the guard and started on the gravel path that led to the hostel.
He regarded her with cold, unflinching eyes until she was close enough and finally spared a glance in his direction.
"Hadi?" She exclaimed and walked down the path towards him. "You didn't go home?"
"No."
"Oh, were you among the seniors who were having a party of sorts in the common room?" She stopped a few feet from him, and looked at him, eyes twinkling.
"Yeah."
"I didn't see you. I was there when you-"
"I know," he cut her short, voice biting, "I saw you."
Mirha noticed his mood, and decided she'd better leave, not wanting to annoy him further. "You did? I was just working on the English assignment, there. Anyways, it's already getting late, I better get going. I was just-"
"Where were you?" He spoke in clipped tones, and without giving her a chance to reply for herself, he said with a derisive scoff, "preparing to let the guy get into your pants, weren't you? Too bad the visitors can only stay up until ten."
For a moment, Mirha thought she'd heard wrong, hoped that she did. She blinked as it finally registered and did what she was supposed to do.
There was a loud smack, as his cheek burned and he stared at her, disbelief, anger and hurt clouding his eyes.
"He was my brother!" She glared at him, biting out every word, blood pounding in her ears.
Silence stretched as they stood staring at each other, and when finally her eyes threatened to burst out the tears, the lump in her throat enlarging, Mirha ran away, back to the hostel, leaving Hadi stunned.
That night for the first time, Hadi admitted he was falling in love, with a sheer hopelessness gripping his heart.
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