Just like the old times, he'll say things that will make your heart flutter. And then one day disappears like it never happened.
Words. Sometimes can be beautiful to hear but also, it can be painful too. It can be sweet but the truth is, it's hiding its lies, coated with sugary words, making you feel so special. We get easily deceived by words. Words with no action mean nothing at all. We cannot always rely on words. We also need evidence that will prove that what he said is true or not.
But here I am again, I failed myself. I am a big disappointment to myself.
I have been always telling myself to never be the weakling and to never trust anyone. To never believe in false promises. But there's a part of me, that's being hopeful with his simple promise.
I waited. Like I did before.
I always check my phone if there's any message from him but sad to say, I got nothing. It's been a week now since I last saw him. A week since I heard his promises. He promised to call and text me from time to time. But it never happened. Or maybe he's just doing what I told him to. I told him to just go and never come back. I used my playing -hard- to -get -card. I know I'm confusing him but I am also confused with myself.
If he's not coming back then, who cares!
You survived the past years without him Belia, you can do it too now. One night and one day with him should not affect your whole being. It should not change or damage your system. If it does then, it'll only mean that you have a weak heart, a brittle one.
It hurts to know that, at some point, I actually thought that maybe we can start all over again. Maybe, I'll give us a chance again. Maybe, I'll let my heart be happy once again. After all, I know that we will also have to end.
"Excuse me, Miss. Would you like to have some refreshments?"
I shook my head as a response to the flight attendant who just asked me. If you ask me where I am right now, I am on a plane heading to Bohol City. I finally was able to have my vacation. When my parents came home from their Europe trip, I was allowed to have my own vacation too. And I decided to spend it somewhere within the country instead of going outside of the country.
I needed this. I need myself a -me-time. I need to enjoy my life while I still can.
"I'll miss you!"
Why? Those three words he said to me, kept on ringing inside my head. He told you he'll miss you and now your overthinking and overreacting with it. It's only words Belia, nothing more, nothing less. How can he say those words easily? How?
I put on my sunglasses as I was about to go down the stairs of the plane. The smell of island life, the breeze of freedom, and the simple life I will experience these coming days here on the island, I am coming for all of you.
I am currently riding on a van, heading to one of the best resorts here in Panglao. Panglao is part of Bohol, which is known for its fine and white sand beaches. Alongside it are tall coconut trees making the whole island vibes perfect. There are islets surrounding Panglao Island. Like the Balicasag, where it is rich in marine life. And the other one is called Virgin Island. I can't wait to explore those islands.
Casa La Playa. Big gold signage, that can be seen before you enter the large gates of the whole resort. When you're inside, you can see a large fountain in the middle surrounded by purple and pink flowers. The whole front view of the resort screams a mixture of modern and classic designs.
Getting off from the van, I look around and see that the resort is not that crowded. Oh well, maybe it's because it isn't summertime yet. This is it now Belia! Your most awaited vacation after all these years. You don't have to worry about paper works and stress. All you need to think about is to enjoy this whole trip.
I am inside my room getting ready for my dinner. After I arrived this morning, I took a shower first before taking a nap. And it was about 4:30 in the afternoon, that I woke up.
Sitting in front of my vanity table, I look at my reflection. I look like a mess. I look like I haven't slept for a while now. It's true though. My migraines are now more frequent than ever. My pain reliever medicine is not helping me either. It's like my system is immune to it. I never told Dr. Duazo about it.
I grab my blow dryer and start drying my damp hair.
I make my way to my table. I decided to eat my dinner on the seaside while I watch the blazing fire of the sun as it sets. I remove my slippers as soon as I get to touch the sand. I let the easterly sea breeze sway my hair. It's beautiful here. It feels like I'm in paradise. It's peaceful like I wanted. I drag my chair and take a sit. I can't help but take a deep breath as I feel myself feeling so relax and at ease.
It has been a long time since I feel this light feeling in my heart and mind, that I forgot how it really feels to be in this kind of state.
The sky looks like a masterpiece that is painted by a god. It is beautiful. As soon as the sun finally sets, tiny lights start to light up like fireflies. Making the scenery look more magnificent. Taking a picture won't give justice to this view I see now. Why haven't I tried traveling alone before? If I can turn back time, I would probably try on going to places to relax and enjoy, to discover that I also deserve to have inner peace.
I wonder what would my life be if I had let myself enjoy every second of my life? If I hadn't let myself consumed with work, with bitterness and hatred? Did I really try to live?
I stayed a little longer after eating my dinner. Not minding the cold breeze of the southeasterly winds. I stare at the now dark sky completely filled with thousands of shimmering stars. Unlike when I was in the city, I can only see a few of them. But here, it's like the heavens accidentally splattered all of the stars.
I embrace myself as I feel the wind blows again. The sound of the sea when it reaches the shore is the only thing I can hear. I can't help but focus on the loud echoes and screams of my mind, in the quietness of the night. I can feel the sadness and bitterness and even my darkest thoughts slowly crept inside of me. Wanting to have my utmost attention.
I have been pushing all of it at the most corner part of my brain. Not wanting them to get out. It's dark and dangerous to hear these thoughts again. I've been there already. I don't want to experience it again.
It was at 8:45 in the evening when I decided to go back to my room. I was going to take a dip in the pool but in the end, I decided to just have it in the morning since I am already freezing from the coldness of the wind. When I went back, I have received a lot of texts from my mama. She's worried but I assured her that I am okay and I am safe.
The next morning, I went to the pool area to take a swim. No one is still there, so it felt good. Since I don't have to feel conscious about swimming. I am no expert but I still know how. Directly after my swim, I went back, took a shower, and called the restaurant to deliver my food inside my room. At 9 o'clock, staff from the resort, knock on my room to remind me of my tour at 9:30.
Looking at the vastness of the very known chocolate hills in front of me, I find it a little bit surreal. I read it on their brochure that when summer time starts, the hills will literally look like chocolates. But now since it is not yet summer, the hills look so green. I climb a hundred plus stairs just to reach the top and enjoy the overlooking view. Before I went down, I went to the wishing well. They said that if I drop a coin, I should close my eyes and think of three wishes I so want and ring the bell. The sound of the bell is the way to let the heavens know about your wish. So that's what I did.
I also went inside a cave, tried eating dried worms, which I think I will never do it again. It was gross! I went to see the tarsiers. Overall, my day went well. I returned to the resort late in the afternoon. I was exhausted to the point that I slept without changing my clothes and hadn't eaten my dinner.
I woke up with the sound of rapid ringing coming from my phone in the middle of the night. I turn my lampshade on and grab my phone from my bedside table. Glancing at the very much familiar number that I forgot or should I say, that I intentionally did not save on my phone. I let it ring for a while until it stopped ringing. I drag my notification bar and saw 20 missed calls from him. What does he want now? Is he bored or something? Ignoring all of it, I went back to sleep.
When I was in high school, I was fond of writing poems and turning them into songs. That's how it also contributed to my passion right now. Even though I don't actually have a nice voice if you say. But I still love doing it. I was in my second year when I first learned to play the guitar. The first song I wrote was the title of my first book, Break the Barriers. It was before I met Bastien, that I started loving writing songs. When we started dating, he was always the first one to hear my newly composed songs.
During our late afternoon dates, I would always let him hear my recordings on my phone. And I would always ask him.
"What do you think about it? Do you like it?"
And in return, he would always hug me tight, and say,
"I loved it!"
And after it, he would always laugh at me. At first, I thought he was teasing me about my voice, but he embraced me even if I was a frustrated singer. He would always find the time and support me. I did too on him.
He was a basketball player, specifically, a point guard to the team.
I always wore his jersey shirt, with his favorite number, number 6, and his surname at the back. I always watch every match. He was my cheerleader and I was his too.
I know we were still young, but I was pretty sure, he was the one for me. Our relationship wasn't entirely filled with unicorns, we also fight and give each other space, to think it all through. We were mature in building our relationship. I always tell him my worries when our graduation day was near.
"What if you'll find someone new?"
"What if you'll get tired of me?"
"What if...?"
He would always stop me from thinking that way. He would always hold my hand and look me in the eyes and tell me that it would never happen. I was happy. I was contented with. I felt his assurance. I felt his sincerity. I felt safe.
We were so perfect back then until shit happens when we separately went to different universities when we started our college days.
That's why when he just disappeared without me knowing, without him saying goodbye, that's when my world crumbled into pieces. I realized that I was too dependent on him. That when he decided to never see me again, I did not know what to do. I was clueless. I was broken. I was devastated. I was furious. It made me feel insecure and bitter. It made me trust less to people.
He was my first love and he was the first man that has scarred me for life.
It took me time to pick myself up. I learned the lesson the hardest way possible. It made me isolate myself from other people.
And now that he decided to appear again and days ago decided to disappear again and then now he's calling me nonstop.....is he making me feel like I'm a fool?
I shake my head trying to erase those thoughts. You're not here to reminisce all those hurtful past Belia! You're here to have fun. Forget everything about and try to just live your life, even just for once.
I put my sunglasses and my hat on, as we approach Balicasag island. My itinerary for today is island hopping. I am excited to try snorkeling. I can't wait for it!