****
"I beg you, Professor! Please! Can't you really think of something or someone that may help us?"
"Is it really impossible?"
The day after, at the lab, I tried discussing with Prof. Fukuda about Lisa's plans for the symposium and our current hardship in securing funds for it.
But things didn't go as smoothly as I had hoped.
Stuttering and trying not to fully destroy my hopes, Prof. Fukuda responded in the most elegant way possible.
"I'm not saying that it is impossible, but that I don't think I have the solution. I mean… As I said, I can try pulling off one call or another, but I'm being frank with you. Most of my contacts are academic. Unfortunately, biology isn't a field widely considered "commercializable" like engineering or medicine. The people who I know are more than open to having a frank discussion with you guys, but I'm trying not to get your hopes too high. These guys are the same as us: penniless."
I sighed and laid my head on my hand, frustrated.
I gave this big speech yesterday about not losing hope and fighting for our dreams. But… Once again, yet another door closes in front of me. I hoped to at least be an example to the others….
"Hey, hey, hey, what's the long face so early in the morning?" - Creeping from behind, Maria gave a good slap in my back.
"Ouch!! Hey!!! What was that for!?"
"That sad face doesn't match with you, Miyuki. But don't worry! Nothing is lost! Your big sister is here for you to cry over her shoulders and give you counseling!"
"What are you talking about! You're younger than me! And I'm depressed because I'm trying to sort out the mess that YOU got me into!"
"Miyuki… Listen, there's an old Chinese proverb that says that we should shove away our bad feelings and think about the positives!"
"I'm gonna shove your face in the wall!"
"Stop! I don't like aggressive girls!"
"You're irredeemable, Maria..."
"Well, shall we start first with what's with you today?"
"Is the thing I told you over the phone about amassing funds for the symposium. Apparently, Prof. Fukuda may also be a dead end. He says that biology isn't as "commercial" as other fields like engineering or medicine."
"Engineering…."- Maria elongated the word like she was thinking about something…
"Hey, do you know-"
"STOP!"- I interrupted Maria, putting my hand ahead of her - "I'm not interested."
"Whaaat!? You don't want to hear your wonderful friend's word of advice? I'm here for you Miyuki" - Said Maria, while she tried hugging me and pressing her chest against me.
"No!!" - I rejected while trying to push her away- "You've put me in enough trouble already."
"Unfair! And here I have the perfect solution for you!"
"Well, say so. But that doesn't mean I'll do it!"
"Now you want, uh? Selfish! Well… If the problem is finding other contacts in more 'profitable' fields. I have the perfect solution for you!"
"If you suggest going to other professors from other areas, I've thought about it already, but I don't have the courage to ask them such a thing if I don't even know them" - I sighed and mumbled - "I just hope the other committee members are able to get something…."
"Oh no, my dear, I have a much easier and closer solution to you! Did you know that Ricardo worked on the big technology giant called Pineapple? And it was not just an internship; he worked for almost 2 years in a full-time job over there."
"You're kidding, Pineapple? The one who produces the ultra-expensive phones?"
"Exactly! Ricardo did a pretty good job at Pineapple. When he announced that he wanted to quit his job to pursue his master's degree, the guys over there got very sad. He even got the offer of a raise trying to dissuade him not to quit, but I guess he prefers his studies over a more profitable job..."
"That's impressive, to say the least."
"It is. And I bet that he can pull some strings and at least arrange a meeting for you. A meaningful meeting, not the ones you've been to until now."
Maria indeed had suggested something that could very well open a new door. However, it remained the fact that things still weren't sorted out between Ricardo and I, ever since the day of the festival. We still met at the lab and did what we had to do, but we didn't talk or interact much, it was obvious that there still was some animosity between us.
How could I ask such favor from Ricardo when we still found ourselves in such an unpleasant situation? He wasn't even at the lab that day and just thinking about having to call him and face that situation made me nervous…
But it was an opportunity that I couldn't waste. After all, I was now just too deep in this project to come back empty-handed and couldn't afford to be picky with my choices, considering the little time there was left for the event.
But how!? How should I approach him? He was older than me, much taller, jacked, and if normally he kept a serious and intimidating face, even more if he had a reason to do so.
It seemed impossible to call him out of the blue!
"Hello? Ricardo? Yes, it's Maria! Do you have some free time this weekend?"
"..."
WHAT ARE YOU DOING MARIA!?
While I was battling with myself, Maria, being her, just decided to call Ricardo right there and talk to him about the symposium.
"Oh, but not, not with me. It's Miyuki, she needs help with something, can you lend her a hand?"
"...Really? That'd be awesome!"
"...Okay… To meet at….. Yes… 11h30?..... At that address?.... Right…. Deal. She will be there."
"..."
"What have you done, Maria!!!?!?" - I questioned while shaking her with both of my hands
"W-w-what!? Cut it out! What have I done??"
"You! You! You….." - I couldn't bring myself to say it.
"I what?" - Maria inquired.
"I don't know."
"What????"
From Maria's perspective, of course she didn't do anything wrong. I've never even shared with her about Ricardo being present on the day of the festival; even less about him seeing me together with Alberto. So, there was no reason for her to suspect that there was something wrong between us two at first. Besides, Ricardo and I didn't even talk that much before, so I guess it seemed like things were normal.
"...Nothing"
"You sure are weird today, Miyuki!"
Along the shoreline of the beaches of Rio, you have a number of small kiosks and restaurants that are almost at the sand line. They are usually very crowded, especially during weekends or holidays. Ricardo arranged with Maria for me to meet him that Sunday at 11h30 at one of these many restaurants, at the beach of Copacabana.
I was puzzled, to say the least. First, despite the bad situation between us, Ricardo accepted without even questioning talking to me like we were besties. And second….. What was with this meeting place!? It was a place more fitting to a celebration or hang out with your friends, not for a networking discussion.
But like I said. I was in no position now to be picky.
On Sunday, I arrived at the beachside restaurant where we were supposed to meet. It was extremely hot, without a single cloud in the skies. The place itself was pouring with people, all of them too close to each other for my liking. At the entrance, a waitress with flip flops and wearing a bikini top greeted me at the door and guided me to a corner table, on the nearest side of the beach, as I said that someone was already waiting for me.
On a table for two, Ricardo was already waiting for me, and curiously... Shirtless.
On a beach, it is not strange for people to not wear a shirt, but it was an image I normally wouldn't associate with Ricardo, as he usually maintained his tight posture below the lab coat. And oh boy, was he totally ripped. It was easy to notice that he was already strong, but it is another thing to see it with your own two eyes. And that made him even more intimidating to me, especially considering the situation. It looked like he could crush me at any moment… With words and physically.
Reactionless, he waited for me to sit down.
"Good morning, Miyuki."
"G-good morning, Ricardo."
Oh boy, here we go
"Are you hungry? I've ordered some fries, but if you want something more, please feel free to order" - Ricardo was gentle, but his voice tone maintained the tension in the air.
"N-no, I'm fine. T-thanks! I think I'll stick with just water for the moment" - I avoided looking directly at his eyes. I felt embarrassed.
"Well, if you want something, just ask me."
"Right…."
"..."
"Ricardo! I-I need to say that I'm sorry-"
Anxiously, I tried to address the elephant in the room as soon as possible, but before I could finish, Ricardo extended his arm and made a stop sign with the palm of his hand, interrupting me.
After a brief moment, he proceeded.
"Look at the sea over there."
The sea? What's he talking about?
As I turned my head in its direction, past the crowd at the beach, I could see several surfers were gathering on a specific stretch of the shore. Some of them were already in the water, others running towards it, and some just chilling at the sand with their boards. It was clear that the waves at that specific spot were larger, so that may explain why the surfers preferred to gather there.
"You know. I learned to surf here and did so for almost ten years. It's very nostalgic for me to see these guys on the water with their boards. That's why I come quite often to this restaurant. Besides the good food, I can appreciate the young boys and girls trying to get a wave as I remember myself doing it."
This was an unexpected topic to start a conversation. But I decided to go along with it.
"Oh… That's pretty cool, I didn't know about that. But are you saying you don't surf anymore?
I wouldn't ever imagine Ricardo being a surfer. We are so used to the dynamic at the lab that we don't assume that people may have other hobbies and hobbies besides the stereotype we associate them with. We sure have some prejudices. But that may explain Ricardo's athletic shape.
"Kind of... Since I decided to start computer engineering, I haven't been having much time to surf, but I've always liked it. I still gather with my old friends now and then, but not as I used to. Well, at least I don't compete anymore."
"You participated in competitions!?"
"Yes, and for some time I thought I could make a living out of it. It was my dream."
Wow, this is amazing, you know. I'd love to see a surf competition.
"What happened then?"
"You see…" - He proceeded - "My family wasn't in a particularly good situation back then. My father left us when I was 15, and we had little money. Because of it, my mother had to sell her car and other possessions and started to work 2 jobs besides having to raise me and my other two little sisters."
"Very touched with the situation, I needed to do something about it. Although at the time I wasn't the best student, I decided to leave the surf behind and pursue a career with more prospects where I would be able to support my mom who had to endure so much for us and my sisters who are still in high school."
"It seems really tough…." - I replied.
"Yeah, it was. Actually, it still is, although things have been a bit better because of past jobs and my current one at the lab. But I'm happy to be able to help my family."
"I know you are doing something very selfless, but… Don't you regret abandoning surfing?"
"Not even a bit" - Ricardo said it with such determination and without hesitation that it scared me a bit.
"Why'd you say it?"
"Because this is what I decided to do and was happy to."
That answer was a bit puzzling to me. Yes, he chose to leave surfing of his own free will to try to help his family, but it is not like he wanted to do it in the first place.
"But wouldn't you individually be happier if you chose to surf?"
"Not even a bit. I feel happier the most when I see my two little sisters with a smile on their faces. In that sense, I don't regret a single action I've taken."
"I think I can understand this feeling. Putting yourself behind for the wellbeing of the others" - I nodded in agreement.
"See. This is the thing, Miyuki. I don't think you understand."
What?
His speech was so blunt that it caught me off guard. I didn't expect that nostalgic and sweet conversation to take such a turn.
"W-what do you mean?"
Ricardo scratched his head, released a sigh, and continued,
"What do you really want to do, Miyuki? What is your dream? What do you aspire for?"
I didn't understand the purpose of his question at first, so I answered him without determination.
"I think, a scientist…? A marine biologist scientist"
"Yes, this is your goal. And you came to a faraway country to fulfill it. Am I correct? But why do you want to become a scientist?"
"It's because I like discovering what is unknown and I love the sea."
"This is good. So then…. Why do you keep sabotaging yourself? Don't you think that you are in danger of losing your purpose?"
I didn't respond immediately. I still couldn't understand why he was saying that or what to even think about it, but it was clear that his words were getting more and more aggressive. My head started to become a mess.
"...Sabotaging myself? I'm not following."
"Yes, sabotaging yourself. The way I see it, you are a person that is extremely afraid to make your own decisions, and because of it, is easily influenced or manipulated by others."
"Why are you helping Lisa in the committee? Why did you decide to go to the university with Maria that Sunday morning?"
"Because!!!..... Because that's what we do! We help others when they are in need! What do you expect me to do when everybody is doing their best? You just said to me, you've sacrificed your own dream to help your family. Why are you patronizing me then?"
"That's why I said you didn't understand at all what I said" - Ricardo looked me directly in the eyes with an intimidating aura.
"I just said to you, that I decided to leave surfing behind because that's what I truly wanted to do; it's not like I'm giving up on myself. My happiness is when I see the smiles of my sisters. But see, it's still MY happiness. I'm doing what I'm doing for them but because it's the future that I want for myself!"
"It's good that you are trying to help others. It's something noble and we always need to be ready to extend our hand to other people. But… Aren't you just sacrificing yourself? Your desires and eventually your dreams?"
I broke eye contact and looked down, clenching my fists.
"I…." - Something clicked in me. I was still very lost in the conversation, but maybe I started to understand what Ricardo was trying to say.
"I…" - I couldn't respond. Actually, I didn't want to respond. Maybe deep inside me I knew what the truth really was, but I didn't want to think about it, let alone express it in words.
"In reality, Miyuki. You are just afraid, aren't you? Afraid of being rejected, aren't you? That's why you accepted tagging along with Alberto that day. Despite you having doubts about it being the right thing to do."
"That day with Alberto…! It's not what you are thinking! I know the whole history with the lab and that he was Maria, so I never meant to have anything with him. It just happened that I didn't want to be rude to him, you know…. And it's not like he did anything particularly wrong against me. But I planned to go to that festival with him and be done with it as soon as possible! And nothing indeed happened!"
"I know nothing happened, or I can at least imagine it. And I may have overreacted a bit back that day, and for that I say I'm sorry. The thing is, you didn't deny it, right? You were in fact afraid of having him tell you upfront that you were not comfortable being seen together with him alone, considering his history with your friend, didn't you? This is not being rude, in my opinion, but you were and still are afraid of having to externalize your will!"
I tried to deny it. Deny what Ricardo was saying, but mainly what I was feeling at the moment. I didn't want to deal with them.
Mad, confused, and babbling, I responded Ricardo louder than before,
"How do you… How do you even know this!? How can you be so certain of what I'm feeling? Aren't you just being presumptuous?"
"No, I'm not. I know what you are doing, and it is because I have a dear friend… And actually, somebody who I love, who's just like you, although in her own way, but still afraid of being rejected. She is afraid of moving forward, as I feel you are."
"That's a bit too convenient to bring in an argument someone who I don't even know about!"
"But you do know her. She is Maria."
"..."
"WHAAAAAAAT!?" - I screamed, standing up and bringing to myself the attention and looks of disapproval from the people at the tables around us. Embarrassed, I got back to my seat - "D-d-d-did you just said that you love Maria!?"
"Y-yes, I did" - Said Ricardo while looking away and blushing. I think I've never seen him embarrassed in all these months since I joined the lab - "You don't need to make such a fuss about it. Okay!?"
"D-does she knows about it!?"
"No… But she doesn't need to know."
"You're kidding, right? You must confess to her!!!"
"Hey, hey, hey, when did the conversation start to be about me?"
"I-it's just that…. This was unexpected, to say the least… But I think I can understand why you say this about Maria. She really is afraid of something. I don't know… It's like, she puts on that mask of pure energy and excitement, but something doesn't feel right."
"See? That's what I'm talking about Miyuki. Although in a different way, I feel the same about you. I'm not saying these things to reprimand you, but I think you came to this country with a purpose, and you don't want to lose the focus of this purpose. Just, please, think about it for a bit…"
"...Oh! And, before I forget about it, there you have it" - Picking a card from his pocket and passing it over the table, Ricardo handed me a corporate card from Pineapple with a phone, an address and a name written on it.
"About the committee thing regarding funding. Just call this number. I've already talked with my former boss at Pineapple. They owe me some favors, so I think they will be more than willing to help you guys with the equipment."
HOLY MOO. I COMPLETELY FORGOT WHY I CAME HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE!
"O-oh!! Thanks, Ricardo. I…. I didn't expect it to be so easy."
"As I said. They owe me some favors…. Just make the call. Well, I must go now. The tab has already been paid. And Oh...! Don't worry anymore about me thinking about you and Alberto. I know you two guys are helping Lisa with the committee. Just think about what I've said and try to do what you really want."
As Ricardo left the restaurant, I stayed a bit more in my chair. The conversation was just too much, and I needed to catch a breath before trying to move.
My heart was beating fast, and I felt like something bad was stuck inside my throat.
Was Ricardo really right about me being afraid of pursuing what I want to do? Am I such a weak person as he described me? If so… What should I do?
If this was true…. Why did I come to this country after all?