---
Amassing funds for an academic symposium? It seems though!
-Yeah…. It has not been easy, Sayuri-chan. Help!! (T_T)
-You know if I could, I would help you. But you can do it, Miyuki-chan! You've always had success, so it's not going to be different this time! (´-ω-`( _ _ )
-Yeah… Let's hope for the best! But how are things going on your side?
-Oh… Actually, I have big news! I decided to quit university and become a farmer!
-YOU WHAT!?
-Yeah… Ha-ha-ha. It resulted in a major fight with my parents, it wasn't easy. But you know I've always wanted to have a piece of land and plant whatever; I'd do it sooner or later anyway. I'm now going to an agriculture school for three months to prepare myself to be a farmer. I'm also negotiating a loan with the bank to acquire some land in Hokkaido and be able to start planting some vegetables and also obtain some pasture for milk cows.
-This is just too surreal, Sayuri. I'm speechless right now! ヽ(°〇°)ﾉ
-Yeah, ha-ha, it is, but I'm happy with my decision. But what are you saying about me? You started first, going to the other side of the world pursuing your dreams. You've been an inspiration for me, Miyuki. I hope you continue like that!
-You flatter me… But I hope that I continue being myself too…
-You will! Always! Anyway, we'll chat later. See ya!
-See ya, Sayuri! Love ya!
---
The next Monday morning, I decided to skip classes.
There weren't any particular events scheduled for this day. No lab meetings, symposium committee reunions or important classes to take notes. But even if there were, I'd skip them either way. With my head full of thoughts and doubts, I didn't sleep much that night, and I woke up with an awful headache and feeling my chest heavy.
I was deeply disturbed by the words that Ricardo said to me.
Maria, being her nosy self, messaged me if everything was okay, since I didn't send her any notice of my absence. Not wanting to engage in any long conversation with Maria, I dismissed her saying that everything was "fine and I had to sort out some problems with the apartment." Enough to get her off me.
But in reality, the last place I wanted to be that morning was at home. Feeling already suffocated by my feelings, I didn't want to be inside a small, closed space with bad air circulation.
As I left home, I didn't even take public transportation, as the usually crowded buses or trains would only make me worse. So, I decided to just walk... Walking to whatever place I could feel a little bit more alleviated. Hopefully somewhere with a little bit more space and fresh air.
Close to the downtown center, where I live, there is a modern museum, built on the coast, beside a military port. I've never visited the museum itself but went to the place a few times to chill under the shadow from its robust and artistic steel trusses of the exterior dome, while I enjoyed the fresh breeze that came from the sea. There was also a water mirror there making it even more refreshing.
It was a relaxing and fitting place to go when you wanted to get away from the problems of life for a few hours. There were even some chaise lounges there if visitors wanted to enjoy the atmosphere better.
But… Even if you resort to escapism, reality just won't change because you want it to. Things are what they are. And despite drinking coconut water and chilling in the ocean breeze, I couldn't feel more suffocated than when I was at home.
Well… I guess I should at least call Pineapple and get this one thing out of my way. Secure the funds for the event and have one less thing to worry about.
Lying on the lounger, I picked up my phone and accessed my contacts:
MRS. REGINA - PINEAPPLE REPRESENTATIVE…
I passed my finger over the CALL button, and began sliding it…..
…. Just to release it right before it could start calling.
…
I tried again.
Rolled back right at the last moment, again.
I couldn't take the call.
What the heck!?
A strange sensation took over my body as I tried to slide the Call button. I was hesitant. It was the typical reaction of someone who was uncertain and indecisive.
I was so pumped up about helping Lisa and the guys with the committee, and this was supposedly the best bet that we've had until now. An inside contact from a prominent big company potentially interested in funding the event. It was supposed to be our big shot, I shouldn't be undecided about the next step.
But this hesitation was not for the event itself, but for me.
The thing is, Ricardo's words hit me so hard because I knew what he was saying was true; at least some part of it. I could deny it; shove it away; or even escape to the Fiji Islands. But doing so wouldn't change my personality or my way of dealing with the problems of life, unless I faced the issue head on and changed it.
But I didn't want to face it, because doing it would mean acknowledging that I had a problem and needed to change myself. If I was just afraid of rejection and reprimand, like Ricardo said, and let myself be consumed by it, it meant that I was a coward. One who preferred to surrender herself to the will of others and do it as they please. Doing so would imply that I was easily manipulated, but moreover, that I gave up my own dreams to avidly avoid any situation that could bring conflict.
That day with Alberto… It fitted perfectly in Ricardo's description… If I was just a little bit stronger, I'd have expressed my discomfort to him. But I didn't. I retracted myself to my cowardness. He was right.
If that was so… Could it be….
Could it be that my own participation in the committee was just me being afraid of expressing my will and going along with the flow to avoid being judged by others? And because of that, is my own work here the result of someone else's manipulation? If I expanded this to the other areas of my life, it means that… It means that maybe even my relationships with other people are just a subproduct of my own submission.
What if...
…. My own relationship with Maria….
…. Was a result of this?
As I completed that horrible thought, my heart started beating pretty fast.
One of the best things that happened to me since my arrival in the country was getting to know Maria. The thought of all these moments being just a lie was unbearable.
No no no no no.
This is starting to get unhealthy. I'm stupidly overthinking about the situation. Maria has done so much for me already…, The least I can do is treasure our friendship and trust her. I'll get nowhere distrusting people around me. Especially the ones who are the most important to me and have been supportive so far.
I thought skipping work would make my head lighter but having nothing to do or focusing my attention on has proven to be the worst possible decision that I could have made today.
I shook my head as If I was physically trying to throw away these thoughts; gave a good slap in both of my cheeks and got up from the lounger.
Once again, I looked at the Pineapple representative contact over the screen.
"Huh…." - I tried squeezing the phone with my hand and sighed.
"..."
"Yeah… It's useless right now. I don't wanna call her at all feeling like this. Besides, even if I forced myself to do it, I think I'd be too emotionally unstable to carry out a coherent conversation where I could transmit clearly just how much we need some kind of funding."
But just as I was putting away my phone and preparing myself to leave and return home, it started vibrating, still in my hand.
Taken by surprise, I ended up dropping it in a violent reaction from my body.
"Uwaah!!" - I softly screamed while seeing my smartphone hitting the ground with the screen facing down.
All clumsy, I quickly reached for it on the ground and checked if there was any damage to the screen glass or to the phone itself.
Luckily there wasn't any, but upon seeing who was calling me, my heart sure suffered some damage:
MRS. REGINA - PINEAPPLE REPRESENTATIVE, IS CALLING YOU...
WHAAAT!? What's the meaning of this!? Why is she calling me all of sudden? Have I misclicked somehow, ended up calling her accidentally and she is returning the call? Oh boy! I just said I didn't want to talk with anyone today!
In my little anxiety panic attack, the phone kept ringing.
I risked missing the call.
As I stated before, this was the best shot we've had so far. I was taken over by uncertainty and was feeling down that day and so decided not to call Mrs. Regina. But if she was calling me, the situation then changed. Whatever the reason was, it should be a good one for such a big company representative to be calling an undergraduate student out of the blue.
If I didn't answer it and just ignored the call, it'd be blatantly disrespectful to the company representative, my colleagues, and Ricardo. And as so, I set aside all of my doubts and uncertainty that I felt at that moment and decided to force myself to pick up the call anyway.
"Hello…?"
"Hi! Am I reaching Miss. Kashiwagi?"
"Y-yes, you are."
"Oh…! Hi! Sorry for calling you out of the blue like this, Miss. Kashiwagi. My name is Regina! I'm a marketing representative from Pineapple! Do you have a moment to talk right now?"
"O-oh, Hi Regina! Don't worry about it! I have time to speak."
"So! Ricardo spoke to me last week and gave me your contact. He told me you guys are in a pinch, right?"
"Well… Yeah, kinda. We have some plans for the university symposium this year, but things aren't going to work out in the way we want if we can't guarantee the required equipment for it to happen..."
"I see… I'm calling you because a free hour has just opened in my schedule tomorrow and I think this is an ideal moment for us to talk, since the following days will be so packed for me in the company! Do you have lunchtime free tomorrow? I know you are a university student, but I don't think you have classes at noon."
"N-no! I don't! I'd be delighted to meet you tomorrow!"
"Excellent, we meet at the cafeteria at 12h00 tomorrow. I'm passing you the address by message!"
"Okay! Thank you!"
"Right! See you tomorrow then!"
"See ya!"
"..."
And, just like that, I found myself confirming the very meeting that I was so reluctant to arrange, just a few minutes ago. Once again, doing something by being swept by the situation and going with the flow….
Well…. It's not that I particularly didn't want to have that meeting. It was possible that I would make the call just as I arrived home or the next day, after settling things in my head. Something which would probably even make me feel better about myself, as a reassuring act. I still wanted to secure the funds for the event and help my friends after all.
But now that she made the call instead of me... Once again it was an action of response, and not of action. Albeit happy for us that a big company seemed at least minimally interested in the event, nothing was reassuring in this act for me, as I just felt bad for not taking the first step when it seemed that I was being swept again by the situation.
Anyways, I needed to head home now and prepare myself for the meeting the next day. Maybe with something to focus on, I could set aside these feelings for now…..