****
"It was the final year of high school. And not to brag about myself, but I was probably one of the top students in my class. Determined in my dream of becoming a scientist, I applied only to the top universities and most of my time was spent on studying, so whatever little time I had to share with my friends was gone very fast. And to be honest, all my high school friendships were very superficial and didn't mean that much to me; I became a very cold and distant person. Nowhere near to how I am today" - Yes, it was pretty hard to picture a dark and reserved Maria.
"And despite studying so much, despite giving so much of myself to this goal, I felt like I was hopeless. Having a big dream was paradoxical with my overall depressed mood; guilt and anxiety took place over enjoyment and happiness. And you know, it was no longer about that tragic event, sure that was the one event that started it all, but things just spiraled down from there with no apparent reason. Maybe I didn't cope with it in the right way? Reality was that I was constantly trying to punish myself, so I felt like I didn't deserve to have a truly meaningful connection with other human beings, thinking that I'd hurt someone in the process."
"That's when I met Alberto…."
"The moment when you started dating him?"
"Yeah… I said to you that I dated two other guys during high school, but it didn't work out, right?"
"Yes, you did."
"Boys frequently asked me to go out with them, some of them even confessed their feelings, and I generally didn't know how to reject them. You know, I thought it was kind of cute that they told their feelings to me and mustered the courage to do so, but I felt horrible every time I rejected each one of them. And with two more insistent boys, I decided to try dating and see what would follow. The end result was a disaster… As I wasn't enjoying myself during the dates, the boys felt horrible, and the relationships soon faded away. Maybe it was my fate to hurt and push people away. That has put even further guilt on my shoulders, and I decided that I would no longer have any kind of love relationship in my life."
"But with Alberto, things played out very differently. Well… He started as most of the other guys, hitting on me, asking me out now and then, but by that time I was even more categorical in rejecting guys than before. There was even one time that he really got on my nerves, declaring his love to me with a megaphone on the main football field."
"That's kind of lame, isn't it?"
"Ha-ha-ha, it is" - It was the first time Maria let out a smile during the whole conversation.
"But he really cared for me. I didn't understand the reason at the time, but looking back now, love doesn't need a reason to exist, right? We just, like. We love someone just because."
"Yeah… I guess you are right."
"With the passing of months I finally accepted going on a date with him, and things started to pick up from there….. Slowly but steadily. He cared about me but didn't feel pressured if I was uncomfortable on a date. A true gentleman."
That sure is the opposite image of what I pictured from Alberto today based on her reaction…. What could have happened?
"He even gave me this silver heart chain necklace." - Putting her hands on her chest, she pulled the necklace she was wearing the day we met.
"Hey, that necklace! I remember it."
"Yeah! I'm almost always using it, although I keep it hidden most of the time…"
"We then started dating, and despite putting extreme pressure over myself, I learned to become freer and cheerful by his side. Entrance exams arrived, and he even passed to the same university as me, although in literature."
"It truly was a happy time….." - She let out a sigh.
"So?? How did it get to this point where you needed to hide from him??"
"Well… It is a bit complicated; I don't know if I can even explain all the reasons that led to us breaking up. It's a mix of my insecurities and fears, along with his own expectations regarding our relationship. Alberto started to state that he'd love to have a family with me and that sort of thing. For me, just being able to commit to a love relationship was already a huge step, but marriage? Even if it was a future thought, I still wasn't ready to take that step and he didn't receive it very well. Arguments and more arguments led the situation to what has become now, and I can't even look at his face anymore in fear of those arguments, but he still hasn't given up."
"Isn't Alberto being a bit too possessive? You know, waiting for you at the front gate, annoying you at the lab?"
"He always was a bit too determined about things he liked, so I guess it is understandable from my point of view…"
"But if you're feeling uncomfortable you should say it clearly to him that you no longer want to see him!"
"Yeah, but… I can't."
"How's that so?"
"You see, I've told you. Alberto saved me from the deepest of my low points in life, I can't be that rude to him."
"That isn't being rude, you know. You dated him, and it was fine while it lasted, now you don't date him anymore, and you no longer want that sort of relationship with him. The end."
"I wish I could have that strength, Miyuki, truly. But I just can't; I wish I could transmit what I'm feeling to you right now, it is just so complicated…"
"Well…. That's true, I just don't want you to feel depressed. Sorry if you've felt like I've pressed you…"
"Oh no! Absolutely not" - Maria held both my hands together - "It is me who is sorry for just disappearing without leaving a message, I didn't want to make you worry, and actually I thank you for hearing me out. These sorts of stuff… I have never been frank about it with anyone before since the incident. And although we know each other for such a short amount of time, strangely, I think I can truly trust you. Again, thank you! Ah, and this cake is amazing, even if a bit melted Ha-ha-ha"
"Ha-ha-ha, it is. Maria, I'll be here for anything you want, just stay safe, right!"
"Yeah, yeah."
"Hey, Maria. Do you want to see a movie tonight?"
She made a big smile and replied,
"That would be great!"
There's something about intimacy that is very special. Humans have a bubble around them, which expands and contracts depending on whom we are interacting with, be it physically or emotionally. Generally, there's a limit on how much we can contract this bubble, reducing it sometimes to something as thin as the human skin, near inexistent. But the bubble is still there, it impedes that we access a whole dimension of our hearts; I'd say near impossible as we ourselves cannot transmit physically what we are feeling.
However…
That bubble can be popped.
It's hard to explain what is near impossible, but I think we can sometimes reach the deep inner feelings of our most loved ones, a quasi-spiritual connection as per se. As Maria was explaining her pain, for maybe no longer than 1 second, I could almost feel that pain deep inside my heart, but it was so strong that it felt like an eternity, and the following hug I gave her felt like I was hugging myself. That shared pain was a brief moment of a true connection, that can only be achieved by mutual empathy, compassion and love. This feeling... Not once in a lifetime I had this kind of connection with my family, maybe not even with past lovers…. Maybe…. Sayuri-chan? It's sad that we can have that deep trust with only a few selected people in life. Thank you for it, Maria.