I'VE BEEN IGNORING EVERYONE including my bestfriend nousha, in the past few weeks. i'm only talking to lainey. i'm currently on my bed, not caring if i should go out or not. i've written exactly four songs, but the fourth one isn't complete yet. well, fuck it. i'll just continue it when i have something on my mind, but right now, i need to produce these three songs. but how? anyways, i'm hungry. i'll just grab some snacks from the kitchen.
i stand up from my bed as i went down to the kitchen and get some snacks, oreos and milk. one of my favourites. when i went back to my room i see lainey reading my notebook, i quickly put down my food down my table and grab the notebook from her. "lainey! do you know what privacy means?!" i said as she looks at me and smile. "i knew you aren't over him, big sis. and if you want, i know a person who can help you produce your songs." i put down my notebook on the bed as i cross my arms.
"and who's this, praytell, producer you know?" i asked as she send me a smirk, oh no. who could possibly be? "don't worry, sister. i'll let you know if the producer is not busy today." she said and with that, she left my room. after thirty minutes, "alright sis, he said he'll be meeting you in chipotle." lainey burst out of nowhere in my room as i drop my pen.
"can you stop that? and what time?" i said "in an hour." she said and close the door before i even do something to her. i inhale, and exhale, it's just a producer that she knows, nothing more. i mean, what could go wrong?
— • —
you've got to be kidding me! out of so many producers in california, really?! i'm so killing lainey, when i get home! "so, i heard you need my producing skills?" he said, i said a producer, but why this guy? out of all people! why him?! "actually, i think my friend can help me instead, bye." i said as i tried to leave, i look at his hand that was holding mine.
"kay. please. can we step aside everything and work together on your ep, please?" he said as i sigh, "i'm not going to work my ep with you." i'm not gonna work with him after what he did! and... all of my songs are for... "look, just this once. after this ep, i promise i won't bother you anymore." he said as i sit down and look at him.
"okay, just this one and nothing more, okay?" he said as he nods. what i did i put myself into? "so, any boys?" he said as i shook my head. "how about you?" "oh, my, me? no. but i've been wanting this person back to my life, but she doesn't want to." he said as he frown. "i thought that by now you'd find someone else, zach." he said as he laugh, "no. i only want one girl in this world." i look at him confuse, "and that's you, kay."
— • —
"Zach, we good?" i said, we're currently recording my second song. he raise his hand for thumbs up as he plays the song as i sing. were currently at his studio room. and boy, let me tell you, once he stop his car to their house, i wanted to leave.
"i don't know how i've been feeling lately, there's just too much to say you're in my bed and in my head all the time, yeah. i just can't stay awake late-late-lately"
i was about to sing when he paused the music, i look at him confuse. "what? is my voice that bad?" i said "no, could i suggest something?" he said as he looks at me as hesitantly nod. god, lainey, why him? "well, i think it would be great if you do 'there's just too much to say' twice." he said as i think and why not, i mean it'll not ruin my song could it? i fix the headphones as he starts the song over again.
"i don't know how i've been feeling lately, there's just too much to say, there's just too much to say. you're in my bed and in my head all the time, yeah. i just can't stay awake
late-late-lately"
"just continue!" he said as i smile at what he said. the fact that he's clueless that these songs are all about him. and i want it to stay that way.
"it has never been hard for you, but that's just
something you always do, something you always do. i can try but i don't know what i'd do without you.
i just keep coming back for more, guess i'm just getting on to the pain. whenever i tell you to go just know that i want you to stay. yeah, it's complicated.
complicated
complicated
complicated
complicated'
he stops the music as he cheers, "that's great kay!" i see his smile, that damn smile. he stands up from his chair and goes to the booth and hug me. "you nailed it!" he said as he break his hug and looks at me. he suddenly looks down, wait- hold on- he suddenly clear his throat and goes back to the chair. "let's, uh, continue." is it just me or did i feel zachary dean herron wants to kiss me? nah, i'm just paranoid. maybe.
— • —
we finished my three songs and we're currently back in chipotle, planning on when to release these babies. "so, i was thinking of maybe next month?" i said as i eat my salad. "april?" he said as i nod. "that's perfect! when in april?" he said as i think, i put out my phone and go to calendar. "how about eleventh of april?" i said as he eats his chicken tenders and nods. "per-fect!" he said as i giggle- did i just giggle? infront of him? i sigh. i look at him as he eats his favourite food, oh, how i miss this. "me too." i look at him shock, "did i say that out loud?" he nods. argh! i hate myself. "i'm sorry." i said, "no, i should be. it's my fault, it's not you, it's me." he said as he holds my hand.
"maybe things will change, never know for sure, but i hurt like i never had before. baby, i don't know you." i sing in my head, what are you doing to me, herron? what am i feeling? why this weird feeling? this familiar feeling. why. "so, what's the name of your first ep?" i zoned out, "huh?" he laughs, "i said what's the name of your first ep?" he repeats. "well, probably i don't know you." he leans back and points at me. "oh yeah, since you made that short in your song." he said and i nod as i give him a weak smile.
zach drop me off the house the next day, we spend the whole night doing stuffs and whatnot. did i mention we helped ryan with his song? i open the door as i see lainey in front of me. smirk. "so, bride of hobo, how are you with hobo?" i don't know why she calls us that, like, ugh. "fine. if you think we're back together? no. in your dreams, girl." i said as i walk pass her. "be glad that you have herron to produce your songs, heck, even write some parts of the songs. just to let you know, he's so sorry." she said as i stop and she walk pass me and go upstairs.
i went upstairs to my room and lock my door. i face my back the door and slide down, crying. i know, why am i crying? i just miss him. i miss everything about him. it's too hard, i can't forget him that easily. he's my favorite drug, goddamit! i scream as i throw everything that's near me, shoes, clothes and more. lainey knows how fucked up i am when i left hawaii and when i came home. i suddenly hear footsteps as i hear knocks on my door.
"kay? are you alright?" i heard lainey, i stand up and wipe my tears. i open the door as i clear my throat. "uh, yeah. i was- i was just watching netflix, that's all." i said as i smile. hope she buys the lie. "are you sure? cause that scream sounded like you have a prob-" "lai, i'm fine. it's just an original horror film in netflix that i just watched. nothing more." i cut her off. "okay, but if you need me, i'll be in my room." she smiles and leaves as i close and lock the door. god, i need him. i want him back so bad, but he"ll probably won't come back to me after i left him in the hotel room.
i throw myself to my bed, removing all the accessories that i have on me and put it on my drawer, i was about to put my bracelet when i saw this necklace. the padlock necklace that he gave me before prom. memories flashing back, from the beginning 'til the hotel room. i start to cry harder as i accidentally throw the necklace on the wall, tired to get it so i lay down the bed, cuddling the stuff toy panda and cover myself with the comforter.