-Kris-
"Fucking hell!" I curse as I slam my fists down on my desk.
I crumpled up my third attempt to draw a rose. It's supposed to be a gift for Zeke as a welcoming gift, but something always seemed to be missing. That, mixed with the stress of my friend group breaking apart, is really taking a toll. So many more things are on my mind. Am I doing anything to help Zeke? I'm trying my best to, but I don't know if I'm even doing anything. To top it all off, I'm not even sure I'll pass this year. Everything's so hard right to deal with right now, especially my own sexuality. I don't know if I'm even straight or not! If I am gay, I fear my friends won't accept me. Ugh, I hate my mind sometimes. It's confusing and all over the place.
I stand up and throw it into the ever-growing pile in my trash can. I just want to make things right. But I don't know how. I lay down on my bed and cry. What if I can't help Zeke or Jess? I take off my glasses and cry myself to sleep.
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When I woke up, I knew today was going to be difficult. I got out of bed and gathered my things so I could grab them when I was ready to go. I didn't bother to attempt my usual style, so I just parted my hair to the right and put it into a simple ponytail and didn't put much makeup on. I looked at myself in the mirror and saw the look in my eyes. It was one of uncertainty. I knew what I had to do; I just didn't know if I had the strength to do it.
I arrived first to the park, alone for once, as I had to think about the day's plans, and sat on a bench instead of my usual swing.
"I don't even know if I should even say anything. How would they react? Would they even care? Would they even still like me? I just want to be accepted. Ugh, everything is so complicated when it comes to this shit, especially relationships! It's not to say I don't like being with a guy as friends. It's just that I don't feel...right...when I'm with guys romantically. Like as friends, I'm more than ok, but I just can't romantically interact with a guy without feeling off. Why am I even overthinking the relationship part? I don't even want one! God, everything's so-"
"I see you left me behind." A voice snaps me from my thoughts.
I turn around, startled to see Zeke standing there.
"Oh," I say, my breathe shaking a bit. "Yeah, my bad Red. I got lost in thought again and forgot all about you."
He chuckled. "You seem to be doing that a lot lately."
He sat down beside me and took out his phone.
"What are we waiting for? Aren't we going to school today?" I ask him.
"Don't we normally wait for Jessica?" He replied, not looking up from his phone.
"I thought she wasn't on your good side," I say.
He shrugged. "She's not, but she's still on yours from what I assume. So why not wait for her?"
I look at him, perplexed.
He looked up from his phone and raised an eyebrow.
"What?" He asked. "I'm not completely heartless."
I laughed and gave him a small push.
"C'mon," I say, standing up. "We can't wait any longer."
I start walking and realize Zeke wasn't next to me. I turn back around to see him walking slowly away from the bench. I roll my eyes and grab him by the arm and pull him to walk faster.
"Come on, slowpoke." I encourage. "Today is gonna be a weird day."
"Is that supposed to make me feel better?" He asked.
I roll my eyes but say nothing.
"Dumbass." I think to myself.
———————-
"Could I really go through with it?" I think to myself.
I feel like I'm at war with myself over this. I know I shouldn't stress too much about it, but I can't help it. Like, of course, they're my friends, but one question always comes up: will they accept me? I want to tell someone, but I don't know who. I don't want Zeke or Jess to worry. Maybe I could talk to Cassie, but I don't know. Fuck my life.
I put my head down on my desk and stop paying attention to the class for a bit. I needed to make a decision. I'm pretty sure I'm gay, but how will I tell my friends?
"Fuck it!" I think to myself as I lift my head off my desk. "I'm making a decision by the days end!"
————
When lunch came around, instead of finding Zeke, I tried to find Cassie. I didn't know her third period, so it was like finding a needle in a haystack. I finally went to find Zeke, since he seemed to be the closest to her.
"Hey, Red?" I ask him sheepishly. "Do you know where Cassie is?"
"No." He replied. "I haven't. Why?"
"I wanna speak to her about...girl stuff." I lie.
He shrugged. "I can call her if you want, I don't know if she'll pick up though."
"Can you?" I ask.
Zeke didn't say anything; instead, he got out his phone and found Cassie's contact.
I wonder when he got her number?
————
It was a quick call, and before I knew it, I was near the back entrance to the school waiting for Cas. I didn't know what I want to tell her. All I'm sure about is that I don't want to become a total mess in from of her. She's new and all, and I don't want to overwhelm her with my problems.
"Y-you wanted to see me?" I hear a small voice say behind me.
I let out a sigh before turning around.
"Can I vent a bit?" I bluntly ask her.
My question caught her off guard, but she reluctantly agreed. I took her hand and led her to a bathroom that wasn't in use much.
"What d-do you n-need t-to say?" She asked, unsure.
Those words, for whatever reason, hit me like a truck. I didn't know what I wanted to say what I needed to say. I had so many things to say, but no one would come out. What would she think of me after this? Would her opinion of me change?
"Say you wanted to tell your friends something, and you don't know how they'd react," I say. "What would you do?"
"I d-don't know," Cassie said. "All my life, I've been told to keep things to m-myself. But If I w-were y-you, I'd say something."
I felt a tear roll down my face as I listened to her words.
"I learned t-that if people are t-truly your f-fr-friend, they'd love and s-support you no m-matter what." She said truthfully.
I didn't know what to say, so I just hugged her. Judging by her reaction, I'm pretty sure I caught her off guard.
"Thank you," I said before letting go. "I needed to hear that."
"Glad t-to be of a-assistance." She said softly before leaving to do her own thing.
I think I've made my decision.