Trigger Warning: Suicide, Abuse
"Fuck off!".
"Yuto-kun, hear me out, I'm trying to be reasonable-" A man with dark hair sighed as he chased after Yuto.
"Enough is enough you old dog!" Yuto barked as he glared the man down, eyes welled up with tears. "You don't understand what it's like when no one loves you,".
He slammed the door shut one more time and retreated to his tiny quarters. Nagisa sighed, letting it chalk up as his ex-brother-law being a moody teenager. "Why did my mother force such a demon to live with me?". He felt his soul leaving his body, wanting the devil to reap his soul right at that moment.
'Yuto's such a pain in the ass.'
Carrying on with his planning, eventually our resident airhead fell asleep. The boy whom he had perceived as an emotionally volatile teenager emerged from his room later in the evening to begin cooking dinner as usual. He noticed Nagisa sleeping on the sofa and huffed, disappearing into his room before returning with a blanket.
As much as Yuto wasn't fond of him, Nagisa always managed to hit his soft spot. Well, I guess anyone would if they don't beat him for not having dinner on the table by 6. At least on the surface, he seemed to be calmer. His eyes had never twinkled before, hiding a deadly kind of sadness behind his deadpan attitude.
Emotions had always been a barren wasteland for him. There was nothing to feel but disappointment in himself for existing. He had washed and prepared some vegetables that needed to be diced for their dinner. While he had been careful with making sure his idiotic roomie wouldn't catch a cold, he couldn't say the same about himself. Before he knew it, red began leaking on the cutting board. He didn't really plan on adding any extra protein in their food so this caught him off guard.
What's worse was that the bear seemed to be waking up from his slumber. Nagisa turned his head to check on Yuto and zeroed in on the pool of red he could see. "Are you alright?". Yuto looked back at him before the corners of his mouth drooped. "I just cut myself. But I'll be fine,".
Just like he had taught himself, he had remained calm. Taking his bloodied hand to the sink to rinse the blood off, Nagisa was treated to the finest selection of sailor speak; The main word being "Kuso". Both intrigued and worried, Nagisa hobbled over to check on him. However, in an attempt to inspect his injury, his hand was slapped away. "Don't touch me!". Yuto chewed on his lip to suppress any signs of emotion.
Confused as one could be, Nagisa narrowed his eyes. 'Why is he so afraid of people touching him?'. Yuto averted his eyes away from Nagisa, as if there wasn't a bleeding gash in his hand. "I'm sorry, Shinji-san,". His voice was expressionless, even plainer than water. Nonchalantly, he just poured the vegetables in a bowl before he washed them once more. While he did that, he peered over his shoulder to look at the older man who seemed to want to get a word in.
"Yuto-kun, I'll just get delivery. Go treat your wound,". Yuto nodded and obediently followed his orders. Nagisa ordered out for them and even stored the rice that Yuto had boiled. He wondered why the boy was taking so long. One look and he discovered that Yuto was actually struggling to bandage his wound. "Let me do it," Nagisa sighed and took hold of his hand. He could feel it tense up as he wrapped the bandages around it. "Yuto-kun, why are you always afraid of physical contact?". Surprisingly, Yuto locked eyes with Nagisa. "I'll tell you one day,".
Nagisa didn't expect such a direct response from someone as closed off as Yuto but he nodded in agreement. The 35 year old man wanted the 19 year old to grow to trust him. You see, Nagisa's mother was the one who made Yuto move in with him and she even went as far as to hastily convert the supposed cramped storeroom into his bedroom.
It was evident that she expected them to get along right? Why else would she make Yuto uproot his entire life just to live with her son if she thought they would hate each other? That aside, Yuto's mother rang Nagisa up after they washed up from dinner and her parents obviously didn't teach her to shut her mouth if she had nothing nice to say. "Hello, is everything okay there? I thought I'd call to check in because I haven't done that in a while,".
"Yes. Everything's alright. However, Yuto-kun injured himself while cooking dinner," Nagisa huffed as he leaned back in his chair. "That idiot can't even speak with manners, what more cooking a meal without hurting himself,"She grumbled. He hadn't even realised it until he looked in Yuto's direction but the boy just stood there, petrified. Almost as if he had seen a ghost.
"Don't be so harsh on him, he's doing his best,". Nagisa wanted to encourage Yuto because he just constantly looked so depressed, almost as miserable as a dog in the pound.
"Shinji-kun, stop relying on him. He's so useless. I don't even know why you still let him stay with you. He can't survive on his own. Just kick him out already "Ruri nagged. She was always nagging Nagisa's ear off even after he and Yuri went their separate ways.
With eyes glued to the floor, anyone could tell that Yuto was uncomfortable. Nagisa took note of his body language and decided that he had heard enough. "I have to go sort the trash. I'll call you again later,".
As if he'd been struck in the head that instant, Yuto's hard expression softened. "Shinji-san, I-" He began but his mouth became twisted and silent. Nagisa shrugged, pulling Yuto into his arms. He realised that Yuto was a rascal during the day but once night fell, he just wanted affection. "Shinji-san, I'm...I'm scared of my mother. I just don't feel safe around her," He whimpered.
Sometimes Nagisa found it hard to believe that Yuto at night was the same Yuto during the day. If Yuto smiled more often, it'd definitely accentuate his pretty baby face. He had never seen Yuto smile before so he must really be that depressed. "I'm sure she's just doing that because she loves you. She only wants the best for you. To be independent and-" He droned on but stopped when Yuto scrunched up his face. "A mother who loves you wouldn't beat you senseless for her own pleasure,".
Scratching the back of his neck, Yuto then fidgeted with the strings of his hoodie. "It's just discipline. Perhaps she finds corporal punishment more effective than most. People have different parenting methods," Nagisa cooed before he realised that the boy was glaring at him.
"I've had my bones broken by her! She berates me everyday! How could she have even loved me?!". "Come on, don't be so dramatic. Parents always do what's best for their children," Nagisa scoffed but Yuto sat up, his eyes dark again. "I'm just saying, my mother's a demon, she hates me for no reason and she's a cruel bitch in disguise".
"Don't be such a baby! Your mother has been nothing but nice to me and everyone around her. Grow up!" Nagisa yelled, getting impatient and annoyed. Yuto was white with rage but he merely sighed in response. "Yeah, go on, tell me the same thing when you're a drunkard who can't even handle himself,".
"Oi! Don't nag at me! The reason you're even living here is because my mother told me to let you live with me! Learn to be more grateful or you can expect your mother to collect you at my doorstep!". Yuto raised his eyes to the sky before he huffed. "I'd be dead before that happens,". Nagisa didn't know what to do with Yuto. He was starting to think over what Yuto said.
Perhaps he just didn't understand the fine lines between corporal punishment and abuse. Yuto got up abruptly, biting his lip to hide any facial expressions, "I'm off to bed. Night," He whispered and ran into his room, slamming the door. But then he opened the door right after. "Shinji-san," He called out, his tone of voice flat. "I'm-..nothing. Just don't sleep too late,".
Sleeping just wouldn't feel right after an argument like that. Nagisa just kept thinking Yuto's words through and through. They were monotone yet they were masking some unbeknownst sadness. He knew that Yuto was indeed an odd but depressing character. 'He's just a snowflake. It must be one of those phases in his life.'
Yuto woke up early the next morning. He had an early lecture to catch and it just had to be Dr. Asahina's class. Yuto just couldn't help but despise almost anyone. He cooked breakfast and left a portion of it for Nagisa. He walked all the way to the bus station and took the usual bus to university. However, only when he arrived at school did he realise he forgot his mask.
Oh shit. He'd have to make a run for it then. It was terrifying to know that people could see his face. He stumbled around and tried to make it to class. In his pursuit of running to class, he violently bumped into someone else on the way.
"Did you never learn to run down the halls?" A brown haired male clicked his tongue in disgust. He took the hand of the male Yuto pushed and dragged him away. "Maybe I would have if I didn't have to raise myself," Yuto grumbled back, the sound of his footsteps echoing in the hallway.
He opened the door to the lecture hall and ended up walking in on his professor making out with his teaching assistant. They stared at him, eyes jumping out from their sockets yet Yuto turned a blind eye to them as he took a seat. "Don't mind me. Act like I don't exist,". "Kirishima-kun, you're always so cold. Try warming up a little and you'll find someone to love," Asahina chuckled nervously as he fixed his assistant's clothes.
"What for? Even my own family doesn't love me," He sighed miserably and opened his notebook. "It could give you a sense of happiness," The professor replied and sat down in front of the hall. "Love is not necessary. It's a secondary useless emotion,". Asahina drummed his hands on the desk, pursing his lips.
"That's not a good outlook on love, Kirishima-kun. Try being a bit more positive. Love will come your way, I promise,". Yuto huffed and pulled out his yellow notebook, tapping an empty page with a black pen. He analysed the cute bunny design in the corner of the page before he grumbled something to himself and scribbled on the page out of frustration.
Both teachers just observed him, thinking that he probably got up on the wrong side of the bed that day. Teacher's assistant Shinobu took his seat next to Asahina. When class began, Asahina paid more attention to Yuto compared to other students because he was nervous that Yuto would rat on him. But then again, Yuto wasn't evil like that.
After Yuto collected the extra material from the teaching assistant, he sat at the university's park bench. His mother had been calling him over and over and over. A small slither of Yuto hoped that maybe she missed him but she merely kept filling his ears with poison. "You're a burden. There's no kinder way to put it,"She hissed on the other side of the phone. "You cause him too much trouble, you sack of shit. You shouldn't even have been born,".
"I'm living there. Whether you like it or not," Yuto replied monotonously. "I'd never return home anyway, nobody loves me. You don't need me,".
"What use could you possibly have besides being an extra burden to Shinji-san? He doesn't need you either."
Yuto's heart skipped a beat. Did anyone really need him? Sure, perhaps Nagisa was useless at trivial things but did he really need Yuto? After all they fight every day and if he really needed help, he could easily hire a housekeeper. He wasn't sure if Nagisa could tolerate having him around anymore.
He had grown increasingly fed up with Yuto too. "You're.....right. I'm useless,". Yuto's mother smirked on the other side of the phone. "Yuto, don't even think of coming home. I always hope that you die one way or another. After all, why should a burden be alive and well when they serve no purpose?".
She hung up, leaving Yuto frozen on the bench, tears streaming down his face. He clutched at the notebook from earlier and began scribbling in it frantically. His tears dampened the bottom half of the page, smudging the black ink that he used to put his thoughts on paper.
Folding the page into a dog's ear, he didn't know how to stop the tears from flowing. But why was he even heartbroken? Didn't he want this? His dream is coming true right?
__________________________
Far into nightfall, Nagisa finally returned home. "Sorry I'm home late, Yuto-kun! I had a little drink at a pub,". There was no response. "Yuto-kun? Asleep already?"He called out, and opened the door to his room. The empty bed startled him. "Yuto!"He yelled but the only thing he could hear was his own voice echoing off the walls in his house.
Nagisa's mind was running wild.'Yuto's never home late, he can't bear to be away from home for long!'. He picked himself up and drove to Yuto's university. He burst into Dr Asahina's room. "Have you seen a student by the name of Kirishima Yuto? He's neither home nor answering his phone!"He exclaimed.
Asahina was intrigued. "He's not on our campus I don't think. He was last seen in our uni's park. But hey, whoever you are,"He spoke as he looked up from his pile of research papers. "Don't be too hard on him. He's gone through a lot behind the curtains." Asahina flashed his charming smile at Nagisa before shooing him out of his office. "I'm behind on research again so you'll have to excuse me,".
Apologising, Nagisa bowed deeply. "I'm sorry to burst in at such an hour,". The professor shrugged it off. "You could try searching for him by the manmade lake in the campus' park. He usually spends most of his time there,".
Huh? 'What's Yuto doing there?' .
Out of breath, he ran to the park as quickly as he could. The lake looked so far away. He was worried about Yuto. He got there as the clouds that were blocking the moon had dissolved into the night sky. His surroundings were brighter but why couldn't he see him? "Yuto!" Nagisa yelled but then he had a feeling in his gut that something bad had happened. He noticed that Yuto's backpack was placed on the ground nearby and felt his blood go cold. 'Oh no!'. In a pinch, he stripped off his coat and dove into the lake.
Instantly, he could see a familiar body sinking in the water. Yuto's body. Nagisa swam to him and grabbed him before he bobbed to the surface, gasping for air. There was a small bag of stones tied to Yuto's ankle. His body felt cold and his pulse was weak. "Yuto!" Nagisa shouted, shaking him firmly. He felt tears glass up his eyes. 'Had I been too harsh on him?'. Nagisa brought him to a dry safe surface. He untied the heavy bag from Yuto's ankle and began to perform CPR on Yuto but any signs of responses were obsolete. He held Yuto close to him and bundled his limp body with his coat to keep him warm just in time for medical help to arrive on the scene.
"Yuto, I'm sorry".
.
.
.
Immediately, Yuto was under the care of the nearby hospital. Nagisa didn't even know why he was so worried. Was it because Yuto did so much for him? Then again Yuto did all the housework, he cooked, he cleaned and took care of Nagisa. But why, just why did Nagisa worry so much? Was it because he loved and cared for Yuto? The man blushed as his thoughts gloated around his head. 'I can't live without Yuto. He always says that he's the useless one but no, it's me. I'm useless without him,'. Asahina sighed as he slumped in the chair as he watched Shinobu make a cup of coffee for Nagisa.
"Kirishima-kun's had a hard life, you know. He's a victim of abuse." Nagisa looked up, almost as if he had heard this before. "How would you know that?". Asahina rolled his eyes to scorn Nagisa. "You live with him don't you? How can you be so dense? He's so afraid of touch, he always wears long sleeves to hide his wounds, he's depressed! It's common knowledge,". Nagisa felt something click in him at that time.
He'd been abused? That explained so much. He felt like an absolute asshole. Last night, Yuto getting hurt over the fact that Nagisa invalidated his experience, it all made sense now. Even three years ago, calling Nagisa everyday to get his permission to use the bathroom, it all came together now.
'Yuto-kun, why do you hate people touching you?'
'I'll tell you one day'.
"Kei, let the man breathe,"Shinobu sighed as he handed Nagisa the cup of coffee. "Kirishima-kun's a good student. He's a little closed off from the world but he studies well,". Nagisa nodded. "He's usually a good boy at home too,"He sighed as he held Yuto's small hand tightly. Asahina sipped on the coffee before he stared at Yuto's pale and unconscious face.
"Allow me one question, what's your relationship with Kirishima-kun?". Nagisa froze. "Relationship...with Kirishima-kun??". Asahina laughed heartily but smirked right after. "It's okay to tell the truth. He knows about us,". Nagisa looked up to see that he was holding Shinobu's hand, raising it up.
Perplexed, Nagisa didn't really know who Yuto was to him. Yuto used to be his brother-in-law but now he was just a kid who happened to live with him. He couldn't live without Yuto. Asahina got up abruptly and leaned over Yuto's bed. "Well, who is he to you?". It almost sounded like he was threatening Nagisa. He extended his hand to tilt Yuto's chin but Nagisa impulsively grabbed the professor's wrist, a scowl on his face. Asahina merely grinned with his charming smile and laughed. "Your actions are the only answer I needed,".
Just then, Yuto's eyes opened. He couldn't remember what happened but he recognised the people with him. "Shinji-san? Sensei?" He whispered. Yuto felt light-headed and held his head in his hand. "How do you feel about Kirishima-kun?" Asahina asked as he got up to get a glass of water for Yuto. "I feel nauseous," He groaned and slumped into Nagisa's chest.
"That's only natural after drowning. How could you drown yourself in the lake? Do you know how worried I was when you weren't home?!" Nagisa scolded as he turned Yuto's face so he could look at him but when he felt warm tears etching down his hand, his heart softened. "I'm nothing..b-but a burden. It'd be b-better if I went,". Asahina put the glass of water on the table and petted Yuto's head gently.
"Kirishima-kun, I'll be on my way. You don't need to go for my lecture tomorrow, rest and calm down from this ordeal. Hirai-sensei will have the material ready for you as always." Shinobu helped Asahina into his coat before they waved goodbye to the pair and left hand-in-hand, leaving them alone in the ward.
Wiping his tears away as tenderly as he could, he sat down on the chair to be at Yuto's eye level. He huffed and looked the boy in the eyes."I'm sorry I was so insensitive before this. I was slow to notice your circumstances. Can you forgive me?". Yuto blushed and opened his mouth to answer but the phone on the table rang and interrupted him. Nagisa snatched the phone and answered. It was Yuto's mother again. She called to tell him that she'd be telling Nagisa to kick him out. "He doesn't need you. No one does,". The man realised that she was the mastermind behind Yuto's attempt at suicide.
His blood was on the hob and put the speaker of the phone to his mouth. "Listen up! If you don't shut your filthy poisonous mouth and leave my Yuto alone, I'm going to sue you for encouraging a minor to suicide! You've committed an unforgivable crime and you shouldn't be let off scot-free!".
Yuto's heartbeat was mental, almost as if he had finished a lengthy marathon. Nagisa was rarely, rarely ever this angry. "Shinji-san, calm down. It's late," He whispered, his body secreting cold sweat and his forehead parched; No one had ever stood up against his mother before. Nagisa looked at Yuto and pulled him close. "You have no idea how much I need you in my life Yuto-kun,".
Ruri hung up on them after being yelled at. "I never wanted anyone to know about my situation because I'm afraid of it being used against me,". It was quiet for a second but then Nagisa embraced Yuto warmly. Yuto gasped and his body trembled for a bit but he calmed down and eased into the hug. "Shinji-san, I'm sorry for worrying you. It was selfish of me to even attempt something like that."
"You couldn't help it. It's not your fault. It's okay, don't apologise for something that's out of your control,". Nagisa took off his glasses and held Yuto even more tightly. "It's not that you wanted to die, Yuto-kun. It's your brain telling you to die. When people attempt suicide, it's not because they want to die. They only think they want to die because they hope that death will finally help them stop feeling like a burden,"He whispered, patting Yuto's back gently.
They lived under the same roof for three years yet Yuto had never said much to him until after his divorce. Every time Yuto and his sister were in the same room, there was just this tension around them. "Nobody else knows about my situation and my problems,". At that point, only then did Nagisa realise that Yuto was truly closed off from the world. He didn't know how to interact properly with other people nor did he know how affection felt.
It made Nagisa feel pretty sad for him. Yuto basically raised himself, using that rude demeanour as a defence mechanism and Nagisa wanted to help him overcome it. "You could have told me earlier,". Yuto bundled himself up in Nagisa's arms, closing his eyes. "It's hard for me to trust anyone,". His replies were straight to the point and curt. Nagisa caressed Yuto's head tenderly, looking at the starry skies outside the hospital ward's window. "Do you trust me though, Yuto-kun?". Yuto felt his face flush a deeper shade of crimson.
'His voice...it's so warm and gentle..I couldn't possibly doubt someone who speaks to me with such a soothing voice?'
Nagisa felt a pair of arms wrap themselves around his waist shyly. He answered in a whisper. "I trust you, Shinji-san,".
_φ(･ω･ Author's Note
I hope this first chapter made a good first impression on you. Let me know what you think in the comments! Voting is also appreciated! Thank you for reading this chapter of A Heart To Heal! ♡