I'm woken up startled by the obnoxious sound of my alarm.
You'd think having the same dream for months would get old, but each time i'm captivated by the beautiful boys and terrified by the unrelenting darkness. Every night i'm equally scared and excited to appear in the garden. The garden that seems so full of magic and beauty, but also hides something evil. Something that takes my mother each time.
I've tried different tactics, screaming, begging, holding onto her tightly before the darkness appears. Each time it's the same result. She's ripped from my arms, while the harsh wind blasts me back and keeps me away from my mother. The beautiful boys calling for me in the background.
I lay in my bed staring up at the large crack in the ceiling above my bed, the fine layer of sweat on my body is the only reminder of the dream. Getting up slowly, I wipe the sweat beads off my forehead and stifle a yawn. Although part of me anticipates the repeating dream, I haven't had a good nights sleep in months. The thought of going to school, enduring 8 hours of lectures and socializing, makes me feel exhausted. It's not all bad though, I'm well liked in school and I have some wonderful friends, yet I cant shake the feeling that something is off.
"Marina, you awake?" I hear my mom call from downstairs. The thought of pancakes instantly brightens my mood and I shove the negative feelings deep down for the time being.
Making my way to my vanity mirror, I call out "Yeah mom, i'm awake!".
I ran my fingers through my hair, loosening the braid it had been in while I slept. A river of chocolate ran down my back and stopped just short of my waist.
I look nearly identical to my mother, with the same chocolate hair, lean build, and fullness in our hips. The only physical feature I retained from my absentee father were my eyes. A crystal clear blue that reminded me of the icy lake my mother would take me to camp at.
My amazing mother had gotten pregnant with me when she was only eighteen, my father was in the wind before she could break the news.
I often wondered what kind of man could leave his unborn child, but that thought never soured my mothers mood. While we looked similar, our personalities were quite different.
My mother's a carefree spirit, and is almost always in a joyful mood. While we both enjoy nature above all, I couldn't be more different from her. I tend to be more serious, often feeling like the adult between the two of us. I like to think of myself as realistic with a hint of anger and sarcasm.
Shoving the thought of my sperm donor from my mind, I rummaged through my closet for a suitable outfit.
The deep emerald cardigan and knee high boots were fashionable yet comfy, perfect for my lethargic mood brought on by lack of sleep. When I look in the mirror, I cant help but compare myself to the boys in my dream. That effortless ethereal beauty they possess seems unattainable.
I make my way downstairs and am instantly greeted by the sickly sweetness of my moms oatmeal. I hate oatmeal.
"Mom, oatmeal really?" I grumble, my bad feelings about today validated by the chunky mass of goo my mother places on the table. A bubble forms and pops from the oatmeal.
Giving an apologetic smile, "Sorry hon, in a hurry today." she says. While my mother happened to be over thirty, she never looked her age. The only noticeable lines on her face were around her eyes, indicating the smile that always seemed to be on her face.
I frown and stick a spoon into the oatmeal, sighing as it devoured the spoon.
"Oh just eat a little, you'll feel like crap if you go to school on an empty stomach." Mom says as she begins to clean up the kitchen.
"What do you have to do today anyway?" I ask, putting a spoonful in my mouth, swallowing the clump of sugar and oats.
"Going to visit a friend in Washington." Mom replies, setting my school bag on the chair next to me.
A smirk formed on my face as I teased my mother, "Didn't know you had friends."
A mock offended look flashed over her face as she scoffed at me.
"Oh haha. You're hilarious." She laughed at me, her dark eyes twinkling in amusement.
"For real though, why are you driving all the way to Washington to visit a friend?" I frowned, a familiar feeling sloshing around in my gut.
With a wave that looked somewhat forced, "We just happen to live closer to her now, so I figured I'd pay her a visit." She said, giving me a soft smile that begged me not to ask anymore questions.
Having a free and happy spirit also made my mother awful at lying. While she didn't lie often, I could easily pick up the signs when she was. Her eyes darted around the room anxiously while she fiddled with her fingers.
If I hadn't mentioned earlier, I live in Portland, Oregon. I'm not particularly fond of living here. The winters can be brutal, and in my opinion spring is much too short. If it was up to me, I would choose to live somewhere warm, where I can fully enjoy the springs and summers. But, my mother insisted on moving here.
"Just be careful, and don't forget to pick me up from school." I reminded her as I abandon my uneaten oatmeal and grabbed my school bag. She also had a knack at forgetting things.
"Rachel picking you up for school today?" Mom asks as she grabs her purse and jacket, evidently getting ready to head out as well.
"Yep, she's here now." I reply, giving my phone a little wave in her direction. I throw my black winter coat over my shoulder and give my mother a hug, and head out the door for another monotonous day at East Lake High. I grab my coat out of habit at this point. Although I completely detest the cold, it never bothers me.
Rachel has been my best friend since I started at ELH my freshman year. I'm now a junior, and keeping faith that we wont spontaneously move again. Throughout my life, we have moved 9 times. New schools, new houses, new faces. And each time it got harder and harder to meet new people, the fear of moving again would set in and ruin all chances I had at making new friends.
I close the front door behind me and make my way down the stairs to our apartment. We always kept our living arraignments small in case we had to move again. Rachel's black Toyota was the first thing that came into view as I left the apartment building. With a disgruntled sigh, I opened the passenger door waiting for the barrage of gossip that always followed when it came to talking to Rachel.
Although Rachel tends to get on my nerves, shes like the sister I never had. Shes my exact opposite and that's helped to bring us together. With her long blonde hair, blue eyes and overly perky attitude, shes everything i'm not. People tend to gravitate toward Rachel and want to be her friend. She can bring a room full of people together, or have them at each others throats. I'm the girl who prefers to stay in the background. If it wasn't for Rachel, I wouldn't have made all the friends that I have in these two years.
"Hey Mar, how's it going?" Rachel laughed, using the nickname she knows I hate. I stifled my annoyance with an eye roll.
"Just ready to get this day over with!" I say lightheartedly, trying to get rid of my bad mood.
I tried to focus on the passing cars and kids walking to school as Rachel gossiped about who was dating who, and who cheated on who.
The school day went by incredibly slow. Listening to Rachel drone on in three of my classes was the highlight of my day. The feeling of dread dwindled and faded with each passing class. ELH is such a large school that it's nearly impossible to know everyone in it, but Rachel sure gives it her all.
I smile with relief when the bell finally rings and i'm released from my hellish history class. I make my way down the hallway and find my extremely used locker. Grabbing my books and bag before anyone can try and talk to me, I rush to the front door, eager to begin a weekend free of school. As always, my hasty retreat is noticed.
"Whats the rush Mar?" I hear a grisly voice call out causing me to turn.
"Oh hey Matt. Just trying to get a head start on the weekend." I give an awkward chuckle as i'm face to face with Matt, Rachel's current boyfriend. I say current because Rachel can be a handful, and blows through guys before they get the chance to see that. Rachel's current boyfriend is Matt. He's a 6'0' senior, with sandy blonde hair and a goofy smile. He has an athletic build due to being on the soccer team. He's another one of those people who would never notice me if it wasn't for Rachel.
Giving his patented lopsided grin, "You aren't coming with Rachel to her place, she said she was going to ask you." He said, making my heart flutter a bit. Admittedly, Matt was someone I had a slight crush on since the moment Rachel introduced us. I'd never hurt Rachel, so I shove the butterflies back into their jar and stay determined to keep them there.
"She never asked me, but it doesn't matter anyway. I have plans with my mom this weekend." I shrug, not taking Rachel's forgetfulness to heart.
"Oh alright, sounds fun. See ya Monday?" He calls back to me, as the rest of the soccer team begins to approach him drawing them farther down the hallway.
"Yeah, see ya." I call weakly, while hes already out of hearing distance.
Finally, I manage to make my way out the front door. I head to the side of the building where the other kids wait to be picked up. I pull out my phone and turn on some music to occupy me while I wait. This has been my least favorite place we have lived, but all of my favorite people are here. Although Rachel gets on my nerves, she's been the closest friend I've ever had. Moving as many times as I have, hasn't allowed me to try and put down roots anywhere. Eventually, I gave up trying. I was lucky to meet Rachel at the local coffee shop a week before school. If I hadn't, these two years could have gone by much differently.
I look up from my phone and realize all of the kids and parents that were outside are now gone. Somehow an hour and a half managed to go by and I never noticed. The knot of worry grew in my stomach until it felt like I was going to be sick. Looking back down at my phone, I tried to call my mom and it went straight to voicemail. That's never happened before. It wasn't until I fully looked around that I realized one of the faculty members was coming my way. The knot of worry exploded inside me as I knew something bad had happened. The feeling I had this morning was right. My life as I knew it was going to change.
"Marina? Marina Greene?" The woman asked. Her gray hair neatly tucked into a bun. She seemed nice, comforting, the way a grandmother would. But this fact did nothing to ease the turmoil inside me.
"Yes.. what is it?" I managed in a choked whisper. Even though it was cold outside, I could have sworn I was sweating.
"Marina, could we talk inside?" She asked, making my world spin.
Why would she need to talk to me inside?
"We can talk here." I answered stubbornly, showing there was no room for arguing.
"Marina, something happened with your mother." The older woman said gently, ignoring the small layer of snow on the bench, and taking a seat next to me.
"What happened to my mom?" I whispered, looking down at my hands. Somewhere in the back of my mind I thought, maybe if I ignored what she had to say, that would make it untrue.
"Marina.. She was in an accident. Your aunt is going to pick you up, she will explain everything to you." The older woman said as gently as she could, but it didn't matter.
Being gentle did not lessen the impact of what she had said. I knew with that final statement, my mom didn't make it. She didn't feel comfortable telling me my mom was dead, but she didn't have to say the words. Her sympathetic stare, the corners of her mouth falling, her tightly clasped hands, they said she words she didn't want to speak. I wish I could have said the world stopped spinning, the stars started falling, the earth shook in defiance. But nothing happened. The snow continued to fall, the earth continued to move, and people went on with their lives.
The hole in my heart forming, I made my way back inside the school, the older woman trailing along with me. My eyes screamed, begging to be relieved, but I clenched my fists, refusing to spill any tears. My boots squelching on the polished floor made me more uneasy, hearing the school this quiet allowed me to focus on emptiness I felt.
Emptiness.
The darkness had swallowed my mother after all.