Your heart feels no love
The rest of the world
gives you no hope
You start to feel so empty inside.
Over time I felt as if the hole was consuming all of me. All my hobbies didn't seem to give me any pleasure. I didn't seem I could feel anything but sadness, could see anything but darkness. Grey strted to seem like a bright colour compared to what I was saw in everything. I no longer spent hours crying to myself. No, I was empty shell. I was so used the darkness that I was numb to it. I sank deeper and deeper into the hole, I was so deep inside I could no longer see the light. I stopped trying to get people to acknowledge me, stopped feeling bad for myself. I was just a body without an soul.
Happy memories no longer made me smile, instead they made cry, thinking of them reminded me of how much I had lost. Every day new kids would come to school in a different colour reminding me of my loss. I would have rather been a red that what I was now. I couldn't stand kids getting red and crying about it, they don't know what real disappointment felt like. They didn't know what to felt like to be excluded. They had others with their colour, I had no one. the rumors never got old. People never forgot about my colour or lack of colour, I never forgot the whispers flying behind me. I looked like a mess too, which only gave people more to whisper about.
I tried not to care but I just counldn't ignore it. I couldn't ignore the opinions of people I couldn't not notice. I cared about everybody in my life and I still did, I cared not only about what they said about me but also how they lived without me. I wanted to see haow the lived without me, how they spent their time without me, how they studied without me. That's what hurt me most, how my absence didn't seem to change their lives at all, They didn't seem any different without me, in fact they seemed happier if that was possible. Of course they had problems with or without me but to me they now seemed to dissapear quicker, Their smiles seemes brighter and their eyes seem more lively. I wanted so bad to just ingnore them but I couldn't, no matter what they had done to me I still cared so much.
The same went for my parents, they treated me horribly but I still cared for them. They were the people who raised me for 13 years, gave me hugs and kisses for 13 years. They cared about me, and although they did'y anymore I still loved them. I still lived with them and would be living with them untilI was a legal adult and they kicked me out. I saw te looks they exchanged when they were in her presence. They were disapointed in me, more dissapointed than any parent ever has been. I knew that I had ruined any positive reputaion that they ever had. Unlike my friend they didn't seem to have change that much apart from the fact that they tried to do anything to build their repution up again. They seemed so invested in their reputaition that they didn't cares about me. They were idiots, but I still love them for some reason. They no longer cared about me, but I still cared about them. They only cared about their reputaion, how they were seen by other people. And they used me to build it up, people were sympathetic, others admired them for keeping me. But most importantly they acting even worse to me than anybody else, just so they could keep their reputaion up.
When relatives came over I stay in my room making no noise pretending I don't exist. I could hear them talking about how horrid I was but I didn't care. THey had never wanted to establish a relation ship wth me even when I did. I never liked them and now unlike with the others, I hated them. This enhanced my feelings for everyone, whether it was love or hate.
The world seemed to be teasing me too. After my 13th birthday there only seemed to happy days. Flowers were blooming left and right, the sun seemed to smilling down at the world and it all made me stand out more. THe world filled with colour just as I mine had gone missing. Everyone seemed happy, nobody seemed to care. Animals seemed to mock me. Whenever I walked past an animal it seemed like it was telling me how it lived a better life than I did. And to me it was true, animals had family and friends, I didn't. They had people love them, while everybody was dissapointed in me. I had sucken to a level even lower than an animal. The whole world seemed to hate me, wheather it had feeling or not. I was just somebody that wasn't anybody.
Now in my bedroom there are old pictures lining the walls. Why couldn't those moments last forever. I don't like the way I'm treated now, the little girl in the photos was smiling, and she looked like me, but she wasn't. I turned aound unable to look at the photos anymore. Why can't things have stayed the way they were. Why did the colour system have to exist? Sitting down on my bed staring at my past self tears rolling down my face. these episodes didn't happen often but when they did I let it all out. And every time I recalled the good times and the bad times the darkness would get darker, suffocating me just a little more. They closed in around me. I lost track of everything around me until I had let out all my feelings.
A/N Kind of a filler chapter, basically about her life after her birthday.
- The Wolf