There's something inside
That I want to hide
It want to get out but I can't let it go
But then I see I can trust you
You won't judge me
An you won't hurt me
"no"
Harry snapes out of the silence and looks at me,
"Look I know what it feel like like be ignored,"
"No! How could you, you're perfect," I shot back. He started to get frustrated and his face turned red,
"Look, if you don't want me to tell you I don't have to. I just want to help you." he replied.
"Fine you don't have to help me if you don't want to, okay!" He turns his back on me and walks aways leaving a fuming loser behind. I was so excited for today but now I wasn't sure that there was any way that this could have turned out okay. I guess my hopes were just too high, I wanted this this to work so bad that I never thought about how realistic it was. Was I just expecting him to tell me all his secrets then suddenly want to be friends, yeah, no. There was no way that could happen in real life. What was I thinking?
I slowly made my home feeling sadder than ever even though nothing had changed, I didn't have friends before and I didn't have friends now. Everything was exactly the same, but it felt like I had so much less now. It felt like I had happiness right in front of me but I let it slip away. I was wrong to hope and I couldn't believe that I did hope.
I walked through the door of my bedroom and fall into my bed like I had so many times in the past. For some time thought I was over it, but now I'm clearly not over it. I never thought that I would come back to these weak habits but I guess I was wrong. I wasn't over it and I doubt I would ever be. I wanted so bad to have someone there for me that I let go of my barriers. I had gotten through this because I had tried to ignore my feelings, I had let myself feel and this is what had happened. I wanted life to be happy and what I had before was the closest I would ever get to it. I thought that Harry would open a doorway to my happiness but he never did.
I realised now that he never felt the way I did, he always had his family and he would never be crying on his bed like I was. We were complete opposites and we would never have anything in common.
I raised my head from the pillow, eyes red and puffy, I had spent too long wishing for a better life. All this time I should have been enbracing the life that I had been given. I stood up no longer with sadness in my face but it was full of darkness. I wasn't going be sad over something I could never have. Harry was a rainbow but I was a stormy cloud that nobody likes. Even though I tried to be a rainbow I failed and I stayed a stormy cloud. No matter what happens I would always be like this. So now it's time to embrace that.
I stood up straight my head up and my eyes filled with anger and sadness and darkness. I wiped my tears away and went to the bathroom to redo everything. My wrist told me told that that I would never be good and it was time that I listened to that. I knew that no matter how hard I tried I would never be like Harry but I could be what I was meant to be. Harry was perfect and I wasn't I would never be. I was a fool to cry over something that was just meant to be. I had no say in my colour and there was no way of changing it. I just had accept it and do what I could to make it better.
The next day I went to school feeling different. I still didn't feel like I belonged and a lot of people still whispered about me but it didn't feel the same. My head was up and I felt more confident. I could tell that not everyone recognised me. I walked into class and I could feel both Lilith and Harry's eyes on me. I could tell that neither of them knew what to think but what did I care. The day went on but it wasn't like any other day. Today I was who I wanted to be not who everybody used to treat me like. I was something, someone and at least for now that was enough. I went home that day feeling good but the more I thought about the more I felt like something was wrong. I tried to brush the feeling away but it just lingering there inside me. I put my head up and told myself it was nothing. I knew deep inside that it definitely wasn't nothing but I convinced myself it was just the feeling of comfort. I went to my room and replayed the day in my head. I felt a sense of accomplishment and I all knew at that moment was that I wanted to feel that all over again.
I laid on my bed that night and thought about how much much life had changed, from loved to ignored to wowed at. My life had changed so much and I wondered if it was the better, now I knew that everybody that "loved" me only cared about my rank. Now I knew how to take advantage of what I have and not be a bumbling crying loser. All my feelings of sadness and hopelessness was buried deep inside of with whatever feelings I had left. Now finally I put all that behind me.