He knew what would happen if he started cutting himself; if he closed his eyes he could see Will and Karen's disappointed faces, Sophie's sad expression when she learned that Aaron was going to stay in a hospital still haunted him, it made him feel sick. He had never seen Lucifer disappointed and was afraid of knowing how it would look directed at him. Nevertheless, he felt angry about how his life depended a lot on others.
He had lied to his doctor, his friends, even a little girl for their benefit while he just kept suffering in silence. He hadn't even been able to finish all his misery from once and all because of others too. They took the decision for him given that they thought it was the best, claiming that their way of thinking was the ideal one; not considering how he would felt about it, how guilty. How every time he saw their faces he would see clearly how they kept blaming themselves for not being able to do something when it wasn't their fault he had given up.
