Red. Everything is red.
I am held down. I cannot escape and though I fight it, it pins me down. It demands of me what I do not want to give. It overwhelms me, envelopes me and makes me its own. It claims me for itself. No matter which way I turn. No matter how I scream or cry. No escape.
.
The world is red, red, red.
I am a prisoner and I want to go home.
I cannot give him what he wants.
My father and my brothers are far away.
I want my mother and sisters.
My party was rounded up like animals.
They massacred us at the gate.
They beat us near to death.
I am trapped in this dark place
And the whole world is
Red.
.
Throbbing, my head feels like it will burst open. My whole body aches. My heart also aches and I don't understand why. The headless corpse fills my vision and I gasp, crying and retching. There is still so much blood.
I hear voices talking as if from a distance. They use words, but the words have no meaning in them.
.
Burning, burning, burning.
The house is on fire.
Turning, turning, turning.
Now on a pyre.
.
Voice One: "I don't know what the Emperor was thinking. Even if someone were perfectly healthy, to do something like that could break them too. Even if she could not recognise her old retainer, he should not have killed him in front of her like that. It was a massive shock to her system. She was doing well and improving and now he might have set her back months. All the hard work we have put in wasted. She was healing in body and mind, and he breaks her again."
Voice Two: "Hush, Father. Someone might hear."
Voice One: "I can't fix people. I may be a doctor, but there are limits to what medicine can do."
Voice Two: "Shh, Father, it's ok."
Voice One: "Look at me. I should be comforting you, but you're comforting me. You're the one who was there and covered in blood. I'm so sorry, Siao Ren. What would I do without you?"
Voice Two: "Father, just concentrate on helping the Princess for now. I will do the same."
Voice One: "You are so strong, Siao Ren. Just like your mother. You know, there is one good thing about Tofu being like this."
Voice Two: "What is that, Father?"
Voice One: "That she doesn't know what he did to her that day. Then after releasing her party, the Emperor followed behind them, conquered her kingdom and destroyed her family."
~~~
So tired. I'm so tired. Water leaks from my eyes as if there is a never ending stream behind them. I don't understand.
I don't understand.
I am slipping away and I can't save myself. I am disappearing into a deep pool of dark water.
"Gentle Whiskers," I whisper, before I am gone, "tell me about home."
Warm, startled eyes behold me.
"Consort Lin, you're awake. How do you feel?"
I stare at the man and his long wispy beard. I don't know how to reply. My mouth has glued itself shut again and I don't understand. I don't understand.
I don't want to understand.
~~~
I close my eyes, rubbing the soft material of my bed between my fingers. What is this? Why is this? How is this? Who is this?
Something is wrong. What is wrong? What is wrong? Something is very wrong. Is it me? Am I wrong?
The voices speak hurriedly. There is worry in the air. They lead me here. They lead me there. Time blurs all together. Yellow robes swish and bellow and whine. Yellow robes envelope me. Tells me it owns me and that I belong to it. But I don't know. I don't understand and the world still swirls with red.
My throat is sore. Smells assault me. My stomach heaves like a winter storm on wide waters.
I am no longer here. I do not know where here is. I only know I am floating. Waiting, but for what I do not know.
~~~
Voice Two: "Father, she's pregnant again. Look. She's definitely pregnant."
Voice One: "I prayed, I hoped it wasn't so, but Heaven has not heard me. I have been hoping I have felt her pulse wrongly. Now his Imperial Majesty will never let her go. He's broken her and I can't fix her. I can't heal wounds of the heart and mind. She's not improving. He'll kill you and then me and she will be left all alone."
Voice Two: "He's coming again tonight. He will see. He will know."
Voice One: "There's nothing we can do," says the man's voice. "We can only bow to the will of Heaven and let fate run its course. He has arranged for more maids to enter the court to help you, Siao Ren. They will arrive with him tonight."
Voice Two: "I don't need more help. I can take care of the consort myself."
Voice Two: "Don't be stubborn. You have no choice."
The voices leave and I am left alone.
Alone.
Alone.
Alone.