They say that there comes a time in a wolfwoman's life that certain changes will occur continuously at a certain pace to a certain extent.
As I stand here in this bathroom in this castle in another being's land, I stare back at my reflection that's looking back at me, she looks a bit older than what I last remember her to be, her hair has grown longer and thicker, she looks pale but healthy.
My eyes wander down her face to the two small balls on her chest that are known as breasts, they are not as big as the regular wolfwoman's breasts but they are definitely better than the flat wood I had for a chest the last time I looked in the mirror.
I should be happy with the new development but it only feels me with dread because if I have developed breasts then that means there is truth in the words Ambrose speaks.
My heart shatters into tiny pieces in my chest, it rocks my body to the point I feel my entire body weight slump back into the hands of Dana.
She holds unto me like I weigh nothing, it doesn't surprise me because her strength had always been unnatural to me.
She lifts one of my arms and places it over her shoulders then she helps me back into the room, there is no sign of Ambrose which leaves the room empty giving I and Dana privacy, but I just want to be left alone.
I don't know what to think this moment, I have this strong urge to sleep and never wake up, is that possible?
"Aadya!" I am immediately pulled out of my mind as I realize Dana had been shaking me and calling my name.
"Huh?"
"Aadya…" Her tone drops to a tone similar to that of a whisper, it sounds soothing yet I can't be soothed.
"…Aadya please look at me." I don't move a muscle in my body, I keep staring at the floor feeling nothing in all literal sense, the right word for this emotion yet it is not an emotion is numbness, I feel numb yet I feel nothing.
Isn't it strange how the state of having no emotion or feeling nothing within you like emptiness is right there in the middle of your chest like a void has been left where you would normally feel happiness, gratitude, sadness, or anger yet nothing, absolutely nothing can be felt but then again a word has been invented for it, they call it the state of feeling numb?
My thoughts are all over the place, my head can't think straight, everything is beginning to hit me at once, there is a possibility that Ambrose and Dana are not lying about my family's whereabouts and wellbeing.
The evidence is as clear as the sky during a cloudless midsummer sun time, there is no way, absolutely no way that my breasts could grow like that overnight, it is not even normal to have them grow this much in a week.
It has been proven time and time again that I am a late bloomer, this means my body would naturally develop at a very slow pace and not pop up like some corn placed over a fire.
So if I truly fainted and woke up the following day to be given lies after lies then my chest should not have breasts on them at all, I had always been insecure about them and wished daily to have some breasts but now, now I would give anything to have that flat wood of a chest back.
Because having these breasts prove completely that years have definitely gone by and this justifies everything that Ambrose said, but I refuse to accept my entire family is gone.
How can everyone be gone just like that? How can the last time I ever spoke to them be at our food table right before the beginning of this nightmare? How is it possible that the people I love the most left me behind?
How could they leave me without saying goodbye? How can I be alone in this world? I don't know how to fend for myself, I was raised to rule and I am not even good to do that so how can I survive this world on my own?
No! I refuse such horrid fate for myself! I reject it in the name of Boreas! My family is alive and well and they are worried sick about me and probably still searching for me.
There is only one person who I trust enough to lead me back home without deceit, no matter how much I don't want him near me, I want my family more, they are far more important to me than whatever anger I harbour towards him.
"Dana?"
"Yes? What is it?"
I turn away from my fingernails that I had been staring at the entire time while she had been trying to get my attention to listen to whatever she had planned to say and I look into her white eyes that unfortunately despite this state of distress I'm in seem to put me in a state of awe.
"Please could you get Dion for me?"
"What? Why?" The shock is not only evident in her tone but also her face, her yellow long hair which frames her face just makes her look like an adorable confused yellow canis.
Which reminds me, "Please could you bring Arcotos as well? Thank you." I don't bother to look at her anymore because I have no strength left in me to address her, so I turn away from her and begin to climb further into the bed.
I lay on my stomach with my head on the pillow and my arms under it as I look out the window which gladly has no one there to obstruct my view of the snow-covered mountains.
They look so peaceful yet so chaotic, the snow looks so white and pure like it could do no wrong yet it is capable of taking more lives than the sun.
The sun may be very hot and openly brings discomfort along with it but you never hear of the sun taking a life, in fact so long as every being remains in their land in their climate meant for their natural body system, no matter how much the sun shines it never takes anyone away yet it is not really desired by most.
Meanwhile, the cold winter snow which is so white and pure to the eyesight has taken more lives than anyone could ever truly imagine, how?
If the snow at the peak of the mountains becomes too much an avalanche is inevitable, this thing takes away beings from their loved ones, sometimes their bodies are never found, the coldness that comes with the winter snow can kill a being that is not used to such degrees of coldness in a matter of few moments.
Despite the blood, the snow has swallowed it still wears the deceitful blanket of purity. I am among those who love the snow, maybe it is because my natural body system requires the coldness that comes with it to function without discomfort yet too much of it can still kill me.
It reminds me of life itself, life is like snow, beautiful yet deadly, pure yet evil, life is ironic in every sense and in every which way it chooses to come.
How ironic is that? The very same thing that I find comfort and peace in is capable of killing me. It is also the same thing for those I love, I love my family with all my heart and I would do anything for them yet they can kill me.
Maybe not with their hands but with their absence, if they die, if they are all really dead I know that I would not want to live anymore, because what would I be living for?
Who will be my backbone? Who would teach me words of wisdom? Who would scold me? Tease me? Annoy me? Advise me? Play with me? Go on adventures with me? No one! Absolutely no one would gladly do these things with me and many more, I would be completely alone in this world.
I have heard of the cruelty of it, the same world I had been sheltered from is the same world I had been tossed into without any sort of preparation.
The horrid things I hear that happen in the lands of other beings and some rumours say beyond the raging seas that surround Mu, there lie other lands filled with other beings but they are nothing like us.
I heard greed drives them to commit heinous crimes against themselves. One would think they would live in peace since they all look the same but no they are worse than us, I believe they called them humans.
That is none of my business, I don't care what lies beyond Mu, I just want my family is that so much ask for?
Hopefully, Dion would help me return to them then he can go ahead to live where he wishes because there is no way he can live under the same roof as I especially if it is in my kingdom.
"Aadya?" I feel his big hands rub my back gently, it feels like a soft caress through the plain silk cloth I'm wearing which covers my body from below my neckline to my wrists to my knees.
It is loose all round and anything but tight, it also is not too big and it is comfortably my size, I noticed how plain the gown is without any designs of any sort, I don't know how to feel about coming to terms with the fact that I was most likely bathed and dressed for the past five years.
The thought that concerns me? Who did it?
"Aadya please answer me, you have been awfully quiet."
I turn to look at him and with as much distaste as I can muster I say, "I wonder why?"
He breathes in and out audibly with his eyes closed and his head swung back, I don't even want to know what he is thinking or preparing to say, so I speak before he could get the chance to.
"Take me home." His body visibly shakes as though he were shocked by some external force or burnt with fire.
"Aadya…"
"I don't want to hear more excuses; I want to go home as soon as possible after that you can do with your life as you please."
"But our home is in ruins, there is nothing left there, I understand that it is hard to accept the cruelty of the truth but believe me…"
"Believe you? Believe you!? Why should I believe you? You have lost my trust and respect, so do not ask me to believe you."
"Please, I understand exactly how you feel and what you are going through."
"No, you do not understand what I am going through. I didn't request for your presence to debate this with you, after all, you are nothing to me but a guard in my castle. So I suggest you learn your place before I teach it to you," My stoic expression is impossible to miss alongside my harsh tone.
Most might say it had been unnecessary but I beg to differ, he had lied to me for years, it is ok to not bear feelings for me the way I do for him.
I mean did, not do.
His confession behind my back in between the legs of another being is all I need to know exactly what he thinks of me, I don't need to hear anything from him, and besides one who doesn't care can not harness or display instincts to protect the one not cared for.
In other words, if I were in a situation and I were in trouble, his first instinct would be to protect himself and not me which could bring me to harm then that would make the whole point of having him guard me useless, wouldn't it?
Whereas a wolfman had who genuinely cares would first react to his instinct to protect me first before he thinks about his well being.
In fact, in most cases it would be after that he would realize just what he did, it may sound like I am selfish but can you blame me? I just want to be cared for by someone who is not related to me by blood.
"I apologize your majesty." I watch as his head hangs low as he begins to stand next to my bed but with his head still bent in submission.
It is the first time he has ever called me by my title; it would have to remain that way from now on. And frankly, I don't mind.