There comes a time in one's life where you question everything that you believe in, you doubt everything you've ever known is true, you wonder what would have happened if you didn't carry out certain actions based on those so-called beliefs.
Life begins to slowly lose its meaning as you try to hang on tight for dear life even though you're gradually losing grip on reality.
In that same manner, I sit here covered in dry dirt in places the sun touches and places that are meant to be shielded with clothes with my hands tied behind my back joined to a tree, I don't even know if I am truly alive, dreaming or just going mad.
Twist is in a similar state as I but instead of being silent like Dion and me, he sits there weeping and begging his gods to save him.
Dion just stares at the ground like he is rigorously searching for answers to the puzzle in which we call life. He too is covered in dirt and tied to the tree with his arms behind his back, the exact location I and Twist are seated in.
I notice that each of us is covered in bruises all over our bodies and I am sure their bodies ache all over just like mine, being rough handled and thrown against a tree is quite a new experience for me, I never knew the same trees I could climb and run around had the power to cause me this much pain.
So this is it then? We are going to be eaten by a Korowai tribe? When I was a child I had always thought that the day I die I would be old and wrinkly in bed surrounded by my children and grandchildren probably great-grandchildren as well.
Everyone would tell me how much they love me as I close my eyes to let the cold hands of death seize me from their warm embrace to the land of the unknown, a place only the dead can walk.
Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined my death to be this way, my whole life is in shits because of those bastards. If it weren't for them by now I and my family would have still been together.
I would not have missed five years of my life, I would have had more great memories with them, it would have been awesome and maybe, just maybe I would have bloomed properly because surely good food and grandmother's help would have made me more of a wolfwoman than a wolfchild.
Or maybe I would have still turned out looking like this, I would never know now because of those fucking bastards!
It's their fault! If it weren't for them I would not have been separated from my family, if it weren't for them Felicity would have still been alive nagging me and complaining about my irresponsibility, I wouldn't have found the wolfman I loved naked in the arms of another kind, and worst of all I could have had my fifteen years of age properly celebrated and the ritual would have been performed properly.
In fact, everything I have been experiencing all these years would never have taken place if it weren't for them, they make me wish I could do to them what they did to me.
That is if I would make it out of here alive, I doubt I would, I have no idea where they went to. Those things or beings or creatures are horrible to look at, I always thought trolls were the ugliest beings alive on Mu but now I stand corrected.
My head hangs low as I revel in defeat, anger, shame, pain, angst, sadness and heartbreak. My life is in utter chaos and I don't know who else to blame but everyone else but myself. Or is it my fault? Did I have a part to play in this?
Truly, if I had moved out from under the food table I most definitely would have been with my family, at this rate I don't see how Oliver could miraculously get help on time before they have us for dinner.
Maybe I should release these thoughts that weigh heavily in my heart, so I may at least have a little peace before I die. But who would I confess to? I can't tell Twist because he doesn't know me well enough to understand what I plan on confessing.
I look to my side to see Dion staring at the ground, his features hold regret and sadness in them, he is the only one I have right now that makes me remember exactly where I came from, the fateful night that everything went into chaos, he was there through it all so maybe he would understand enough to listen.
"Dion?" Although my calling had been as low as a whisper his eyes find mine and they carry so many messages within them with so much intensity that it makes me hold my breath.
He silently waits for me for a few seconds before I realize I had been staring at him, I don't have time to feel ashamed of my act, so I go on to say, "It is because of me Felicity died."
I watch him closely waiting for any signs of hate, disgust or repulsion, even judgment but I find nothing, his eyes remain the same way, sad and tired.
"I blamed myself for her death for the past five years, don't blame yourself for something you had no hand in." His kind words shock me, I had expected him to support the notion.
"But if it weren't for me you both wouldn't have gone back to mislead those beings that were chasing us." He looks away from me almost as though he still can't bear the memory of that night.
I watch as tears begin to flow from his closed eyes down his cheek, it reminds me of that day in the hole we were trapped in when we had recently gotten out of Pohjola alive.
That was the first time I had seen him cry, this is the second. Recalling the reason of the first opens old wounds, "You were not there, it was our duty to protect you anyway and what could you have done? Besides she wouldn't have died if I fought harder or if it were me who died instead."
"Don't say that! If you had died she most likely would have gotten killed as well. Maybe it's none of our faults?" Even I am not sure of my statement.
"Maybe you're right, maybe it wasn't our faults, after all, we didn't choose this life, it chose us."
"No, Dion, that's not it, the ones who are at fault are those who attacked us, they caused chaos in our land for no reason…"
"How do you know it is without reason?" Our eyes fly to where Twist is seated with his head lowered, what he said strikes a chord of curiosity within me.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean think about it carefully, why would a group of beings attack another for no reason, one that keeps to themselves for that matter. Your kind, especially the wolfmen of the north are known to never meddle with others if that were so, then what triggered three different beings to connive and attack your people till they destroyed everything in your land?" I didn't realize when my eyes widen and move to catch Dion's eyes because there is an unmistakable truth in what he is saying.
Is it possible that there is something we are missing? Is there something that had happened that we had no idea of? Had someone from our land provoked their kind which then led to our demise? Or had there been some sort of misunderstanding on their end that led to the end of our home?
So many more questions circle my mind but none brought answers along with it, I desperately need answers, but where can I find them? Who can I meet? Who can tell me the truth?
"Twist you speak as though you know what had led to our people's destruction." I turn to watch Twist closely as I wait for him to reply to Dion's statement.
He smiles, one that carries something else I can not decipher but it definitely is not humour.
"You both act like I have the answers you're looking for." He remains silent and my patience quickly runs thin, I couldn't stop myself from screaming at him, "I am sick of your kinds stupid parables! Stop speaking in parables and just fucking tell me if you have the answers we seek or if you know someone who does?!"
He opens his mouth to say something but I don't let him speak instead I do, "And don't beat around the bush, we need to find a way out of here so that I can actually get these answers."
They both stay silent, the forest as well joins in our game of silence and I don't know if it is what calms me down or if I had somehow unknowingly forced myself to calm down by listening to my heart as it beats hard in my chest.
There's a hunger that grows in me and when I open my eyes I know they can see the fire in my eyes, smell the determination that escapes the pores of my skin and fill the air around me.
Twist sighs and then goes on to tell me, "There is a powerful sorceress who leaves at the edge of Mu towards the west…"
"No! We are not going to involve black magic…"
"Silence! It is not you who had asked him, it is I and I am your leader so I don't see how you have a say in this, I lead and you follow, so learn your place," I turn my head to face Twist and address him, "this sorceress you speak of do you think she would have the answers I am looking for?" I don't bother myself to think much of Dion because no matter what happens I can never forget what he had done with that disgusting winter fairy and what he had said about me.
"She is called Agathokakological because they say she is composed of both good and evil and pantomath because she knows it all, she has no known name, and she is known to be the oldest and most powerful sorceress alive on Mu, it is a wonder why she hadn't just overthrown the kingdoms in Mu and enslave us all, they say she is that powerful."
"So you're telling me that she is the only one I can meet to find the answers I seek?"
"Yes Aadya, that's why she is called the pantomath of Mu."
"How come I had never heard of such being?"
"Do your kind like to get involved with black magic? Do your people associate with other kinds, your people's ignorance is the cause of it, I don't mean to sound disrespectful but it is the truth." It had hit me straight in an open wound, it is because of this same ignorance that we're in this very predicament. And he is right, no matter how bitter this truth may be it is one that is undeniable.
If our way of life was different, less sheltered, more exposed to the truth, if we knew more then things would have turned out differently.
The moment this thought drop in my head it's as though something clicks in my mind if we knew everything then we won't be so powerless, I believe.
"Is it possible for her to bestow upon one unlimited knowledge?" He laughs at me while I am well aware of Dion's silence which I refuse to care for.
"Stop laughing and fucking answer me, I need answers ok! I thought there's a saying that goes knowledge is power? Isn't that…"
"No princess, power is power, if you have no physical strength and all you got is knowledge which could bring you resources you will one day be put in a situation where your knowledge is useless, I advice you to seek power and knowledge, you need them both that is all I can say."
"So you're telling me that I can request for both and she will give me?"
"At a price."
"Ok right, nothing comes for free?"
He nods his head to affirm my statement, ok so she has a price, where do I find money and what type of money would she want? Is it gold? Or maybe diamonds?
Before I can open my mouth he speaks before me, "It is never anything physical so I've heard, she sends the ones who come to her on strange quests for strange reasons, I have heard stories but I don't know how true they are."
"Well, I…"
"Shhh someone is coming." This is when we realize that noises are being made in the bush from behind us, my body may have been distracted by the questions swirling my head about this sorceress but now that it remembers the danger it is in I hear my heart pick up the pace and as it beats erratically in my chest, I can't help but hope it is some harmless animal and not those Korowai tribe.
Because I would very much like to stay alive.