MTF-Epsilon-6 (Village idiots) was instructed by the director to investigate 2 humanoid anomalies within Wyoming. They were gearing up for the first recon attempt when the captain received a call. It was from a scientist named Lauren who was tasked with providing them the vicinity of the anomalies. Eager to observe the new SCPS, the captain asked where they were located but was ultimately confused when Lauren asked him for a pickup convoy at a location quite a distance from Wyoming heading towards Colorado. The squad was also told to cooperate with Lauren so long as the request is reasonable so they move to the designated point with 3 armored cars and a large truck that is normally used for moving furniture. They didn't expect to arrive at the scene of Lauren sitting on a bench casually chatting with one the SCP, Kevin playing chess with the other while Lizzie was seen munching on more shashlik. What's more concerning is that there's a total of 12 SCPS in the area instead of 2 if the knights standing guard were any indication. The captain carefully approaches the situation with his men having their hands on their concealed weapons but not drawn. Lauren sees how lost the captain is, walks over to him to explain.
Captain: Scientist Lauren what in tarnation are you doing?
Lauren: Getting ready for transport, Yosif said that he would come willingly to not complicate things.
Captain: That thing can speak? And you convinced it?
Me: You do know i'm right here, right? No, i decide to come by my own freewill because i find it's the most reasonable option. I could make a stand against the foundation but aside from some morally questionable decisions you people make, i don't have much issues with the Foundation itself.
Captain: well this makes things a whole lot easier, gather your umm... friends and get in the truck, we will escort you to the nearby facility in Colorado.
Lauren tells Kevin to drive Lizzie back home before getting in one of the cars with the captain. It was a little tight inside the truck with 12 people crammed in it but the trip only lasted a few hours so it didn't cause much discomfort. The guards at the gate let the truck in the facility after proper identification, the site is no other than site 17 made for containing low-risk humanoid entities. Inside the garage, a squad of facility guards were stationed there to transport the new SCPS. They all raise their guns when the knights step out of the truck without any restraints on but was quickly told off by a senior scientist saying that is permitted by the Director himself. We had some odd glances thrown our way walking to the interview chamber but none of the passerby interrupted the procedure. So now i'm sitting in a plain metal chair in a dimly lit room with my knights and Sergei tuck away in the corner of the room. Lauren sits to my right with the facility guards by her side keeping an eye on the others.
Roughly 10 minutes later, the door to the room opens with 6 heavily armed guards accompanying a brown haired man wearing a black lab coat who seems to in his early forties. This must be the director but why would he personally come down here to see me. It's against procedures for a director or B class personnel to interact with unidentified SCPS. The director has the elite guards join the other guards in watching Sergei and the knights before taking a seat opposite of me and Lauren.
Edmund: Greetings, i'm director Edmund of site 17 and i'll be personally conducting your interview today. Now before we start, your name is Yosif, yes?
Me: That is correct and i hope your men don't have a trigger finger, it'd would end poorly for them if any accidents occur.
Edmund: I assure you they are all well trained, no need to worry about unnecessary conflicts. Lauren, why don't you brief Yosif about the interview procedure.
Lauren: Right, well this is like any other interview but each actions and conversations will all be recorded by the SCP foundation. Since you're intelligent, i'm telling you this so you are fully aware of the terms and determine if you agree or disagree.
Me: Well of course i agree, why else would i be here if i didn't?
Edmund: *ahem* let's start with some basic questions. What exactly are you Yosif and can you show us what you look like or is the cloak apart of you?
Me: Well for starters, i'm an undead and sure, i only wear the cloak so people don't freak out when they see, i guess i won't need it here.
I took off the cloak and put in on the table as Sergei does the same and toss his next to mine. Of course there's still the mask so i pull it off briefly to show them my face before putting it back on. Both Edmund seems intrigued more than anything else while Lauren gets uncomfortable close and pokes inside my eyes.
Edmund: Interesting, do you have any vocal cords or have any biological functions.
Me: I don't know much about my own anatomy but i can speak without vocal cords and hear things without ears. I could still eat and sleep like a normal human not because i need to but because i choose to, it keeps me sane. Heck, my "eyes" you're seeing aren't eyes, they're the manifestation of one of my many abilities [true sight].
Edmund: Can you elaborate further on why you choose to eat and sleep. Also, i'm quite interested in your abilities, what does true sight do?
Me: Well as you may have theorized already, i used to be human until one day i woke up like this. And as for true sight, it allows me to see the world more accurately, or to be more precise, i can see a person's soul and judge them based on that. A brightly burning soul is a healthy one while a dimming or flickering is a dying one. The blacker a soul is, the more sins that soul has committed and the whiter a soul is, the more virtuous that soul is.
Edmund: Used to be human? Is that why your knights have that emblem, what does the USSR mean to you?
Me: While i was human once, i didn't exactly come from this world. My world is a parallel Earth where the SCPS don't exist and the USSR, let's just say they're apart of my religion.
Edmund: Religion? who do you worship?
Me: 3 individuals in particular. In fact, you already know one of them.
Edmund: We do? Is it a Eastern or Western deity?
Me: No, he's way more powerful than them combined, he's Ronald McDonald.
Edmund: Ronald? As in the fast food clown Ronald?
Me: It's funny really how accurate yet inaccurate you people described him. He is a lovable clown that makes children's day like the mascot. However, he's also a multidimensional warrior with unfathomable power.
Edmund: Do you know the extent of his strength?
Me: All of his followers know and fear his might. At 25% percent of his power, Ronald can move up to 500km/h and punches at the speed of sound, his ability to make fast food includes an apple grenade that's the equivalent of a 10 ton bomb and his coke can produce a pressurized stream that can cut clean through diamond. At 50% of his power, Ronald turns golden and all of his powers significantly increase, gods would be no match for him. His speed exceeds the speed of light, his punches are too fast to be seen, the apple now has the destructive power of several nukes combined, the coke beam can now cuts through planets if he make it strong enough. At 100% of his power, Ronald ascends beyond comprehension, godhood is no longer suitable to describe him with. Now, he is an omnipotent being who could erase timelines on a whim. His speed is almost rivaled by none, his punch can shatters reality and his food can destroy a whole galaxy. Killing him is a fool's dream as his body is now made of celestial vessels that constantly regenerates.
Edmund and Lauren pales at the description of an almighty god slayer that they thought to be a harmless clown and mascot. Edmund goes over what i said again and his eyes widen like dinner plates, it seems he have noticed what i wanted him to.
Edmund: you said his speed is "almost" rivaled by none... is there a being stronger than Ronald?
Me: Yes but not quite, there's 2 who stand above all in creation.
Lauren: HOW COULD THERE BE SOMETHING STRONGER THAN THAT!
Me: They're both "Russians" and Ronald himself fears them, the great lord Tachanka and Glorious Slav Superstar Boris. None has lived to tell of their strength, the only one who witnessed a portion of their powers is no other than Ronald, in his words, his strength is a speck of dust compared to them. Don't worry they just mostly spectate the multiverse, rarely intervening when there's a threat that no one else could slay.
Edmund: I... think we know enough about your religion. What can you tell me about your knights?
Me: Well i created them all to assist me, Sergei is an exception though, he's a soul-bound follower instead of being an ordinary knight.
Edmund: how do you create them, do you need resources to do so?
Me: No i don't, at least not resources that i know of. During my journey, i have earned an artifact capable of summoning 10 knights to serve the user and the knights will also have a telepathic link to the user's mind.
Edmund: Do you mind if i take a look at the artifact?
Me: try not to damage it *hands him the crystal of decay*.
Edmund: This doesn't seem like any material we know of and the center is fueled by an unknown energy source that is self-replenishing. This could greatly benefits us if we could harness or recreate a similar energy source than we could fully convert to clean energy. Can i have permission to research the crystal?
Me: Hmm it's extremely valuable to me so i would let you under one condition. Whenever an experiment regarding the crystal is conducted, at least 3 of my knights are to monitor the process to make sure no damage is dealt to the crystal or to prevent any dangerous experiments to be carried out.
Edmund: That can be arranged, it looks like our time is up for now. We'll conduct another interview on a later date, thank you for your cooperation. Your room is still being prepared so you'll have to stay in the cafeteria for the time being. Lauren, comes to my office, we have to prepare a full report to send to the 05 council.
Lauren then leaves the room with Director Edmund and his elite guards while my knights and i along Sergei is lead to the cafeteria by the average facility guards. Apparently, Edmund has placed a lot of trust in me that he would let me be unsupervised which i greatly appreciates. I may not value privacy much but it's still awkward to have people watching you consistently. I'm not feeling 'hungry' so instead of eating something i just find a large table big enough for all of us to sit at. It was actually October so a lot of personnel walking by mistake us for Halloween props. But this i welcome for the expressions on their faces when they find out is hilarious. The best one belongs to a scientist and his colleagues. Lunch comes around and they were some of the people that came first along some facility guards. The guards went to get some coffee from a vending machine in the corner which is to my disappointment, wasn't SCP 294. The lead scientist who was a balding man grab his lunch with his colleagues and sit at our table (we weren't moving at all so they didn't realize at first). A woman (scientist 1) in the group notices us before the others and point it out to the guy next to her (scientist 2)
Scientist 1: i didn't know we celebrate Halloween in the Foundation.
Scientist 2: Sometimes we do to keep our morale up but usually they would announce something like that.
Scientist 1: I wonder where these props came from.
Lead Scientist: They look pretty cool and quite realistic too. *tries to lift a knight's sword* this weighs just like the real thing.
Scientist 2: hey careful man, this could be a SCP you're playing with.
Lead Scientist: Oh please, if those are actual SCPS than the guards would be either monitoring them or containing them already which i don't see happening.
At this point, i saw the golden opportunity and mentally ordered the knight next to him to casually take the sword back from his hands. The knight did so and it took a moment for him to realize what has happened. The other two scientists were as pale as a ghost while the lead scientist fell on his butt from the shock. To seal the deal, i ordered the rest to slowly turn their heads towards the man and give him a death glare. The man wets himself leaving a yellow stain on the floor and he ran away stumbling over a few tables before making it to the door where he hit his head and knocked himself out. The other 2 scientists rushed to the guards who were having their coffee and screamed for help. The guards were actually the ones that were escorting me, knew about my current situation and they all fell to the floor laughing at the scientists.
Although the jumpscares did get some complaints, people wrote it off as harmless pranks. I think it was nightfall by the time they give me my room but i can't be sure being underground. Either way, there's a metric fuck load of tragedies out there and i'm planning to fix them all one by one. Hmm, i wonder if they would let me grow a jungle in my room or turn it into a beach.
Total inventory:
Ascended Wraith set
Enchanted runic sword
Diadem of supreme arcane might
Greater ironskin potion
76 copper 53 silver 39414 gold
Current familiars:
- Sergei the Skeleton Paladin