(Sunday the 4th of October)
'So today was yet another boring and ordinary day, I know my life did not contain any much action and fights but so did the world. But was I going to sit still and look pretty, 'of course no' I was going to be me, the one and only Habiba, so who cares if I don't remember my past and I have a hard time thinking, but that is just a door that opens many doors to me. I know life has been thought but' bla bla bla, my inspirational self kept on advising me times without numbers and I did not even try to listen to myself continue winning about nonsense that I did not even want to think about, 'Mitchew' I hate that I am giving my self an inspirational speech, what was I even talking about, I did not hate the way my life was going, all I just wanted to know was I a still alive, or I don't know.
"Hey" Stella said as she came in and sat down on the other side of the bed.
"Hi" I said as I brought out my two front upper teeth to bring out a smile from my face, but you all know that by now the smile was a faked one.
"So" she said as she repeated the same type of smile I gave her.
"Hmm" I said as I looked at her and tried to make her end this circle of awkwardness since I was so tired and was too busy in my thoughts for a conversation eight now.
"Maryam, so Maryam" age said as if she was calling my name.
"Maryam right" I said as I rolled my eyes over to the right and pressed my cheeks once again revealing my cuteness and my wonderful dimple.
"Well I just want you to know that I am to hear for you" she said as she tried to reduce the level of awkwardness in this space, but let me give you a clue 'it was not working, at all'.
"Sure" I said as I tried my best to make her stop talking.
"So have you made up your mind about Maryam" she said as she wanted to know my opinion about it, or so I thought.
"Well" I began as I tried my legs over to face her and my whole body followed as I looked her in her eyes and continued "you know I have never thought about that yet, you know I believe I am to hear because of her, trying to look for her led me to finding you and you finding everyone I have meet, and it is all because of her, besides I don't know where to go from here because I don't know anyone and" before I continued she interrupted me.
"Habiba I do understand where you are coming form for heart, I do believe all of this is because of late Maryam and I know that late Maryam would not want me and you to waste our time thinking about late Maryam again, I think we need to move from her" she said as she made sure she stressed the word 'late' properly fore to hear and understand her properly even if it was hard for me, I just had to get overhear and maybe Stella is right she would have wanted better from us.
"Why did you say late like that?" Sorry but I just had to ask, I know I have been moving in circles but still I do want to know why the fuck she said 'late' like three to four times.
"First you have to accept it okay, I don't want you to go through the stages of grief" she said as she looked at me with puppy dog eyes.
"What the heck are the stages of grief?" I rolled my eyes in my confusion as I also did speak in my confusion voice.
"You know your everyday stages of grief" she said as she nods her head for me to nod the same way as if I understood her, but I did not do as she wanted.
"What are the stages of grief?" I said again wondering how we got to this conversion, and she got me still thinking while the hell am I talking to her, this chit-chat has somehow turned into a lecture and I don't know how.
"Okay, number one denial, two anger, three bargaining, for depression and finally acceptance" she said as I looked like her as if I gave a b.
"So which stage am I in?" I asked her as she sounded like an expert in this, so I thought maybe she was.
"Well I don't know, that will have to be determined by you" she said as she tried to get the hang of what she was saying.
"Okay, I guess I am in acceptance stage" I paused as I took a deep breath in and continued "and I guess that's true because I have accepted the face that I am never going to see her ever again in my life, I did accept that dace so yes I am in acceptance stage" I stopped talking as the look on her face was saying I was 'lying' to her.
"I don't think you have accepted the face that she is dead, Habiba" but why is this bitch emphasizing on 'dead' and 'late' in her.
"I have accepted the fact that she is dead, and I am okay with that" I said as we both felt this wave of familiarity between us both
"Sorry for making it sound weird, but you are right you have allowed it to roll off your back" she said as she tried to let down air of relief from her nose
"I need another phone" I said as I stood up and walked outside the room
"Sure you do love" she said as she followed me outside the room down to the kitchen
"But are you sure you are over Maryam now" Stella said again as she touched my elbow and tapped my back gently
"Yes I have gotten over her, but it seems like you have not gotten over the fact that I have gotten over Maryam's death" I said as I brought out a plate to dish my food, but why was she trying to make me agree that I am not yet over a dead girl
"Then why did you try to make it obvious that I emphasized on the word 'dead' and 'late' to classify her, you were trying to make a big deal and force out of it" she said as she also dished her food while she was talking
"Well she is dead isn't she?, and I know that she is dead okay, I have never seen her in person but the pictures of her that I have seen are very relatable, I just wanted to know more about my self and how my body and system operates, so if you are very kind" I paused to chock my self with a spoon full of food, it was perfect, and so I continued "can you please give me a break from all this bull shit that is happening around here, I just wanted to know my self better and that's why I fell sad, because the only person in the word that can tell me more about my self and I would believe her, I just confirmed her death what do you want me to do, be happy that I won't get to know my Past" I yelled at her as I carried my hands to rob my eyes that were just teary
"I am so sorry, I never knew you felt that way, It is normal for you to fell that way, and I am so sorry that I disrespected you and for all the wrong things I have done to you, please forgive me" she said with a straight look on her face as she watched me clean the tears off my eyes like I wanted candy or sweets like a baby
"It's okay, you have never done wrong to me ever before, I am sorry for yelling at you the way I did" I said as I bent my heard down to prevent her from seeing my ashamed face, but it was not working as she was still looking at me
"Habit" she called out my nice and stood for s while
"Yes" I said as I wanted this conversation to end quickly
"It's okay, I guess we both have a truss now, and this truss is going to last us a long time I hope, I have for a good reason naturally trusted you and I guess all the trust and my patient with you have finally been fulfilled"she said as she tried to crack open a bone from meat that she just ate from
"Okay" I said as I went to drop my plate and finally went to rest in the room, what is this girls' problem I am starting to reduce the way I like her.